Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

Uncle Harold is a lot of things…grumpy, uncultured, rednecky, illiterate, possibly a kleptomaniantic…

But the one skill the man does have, is the ability to cook the perfect steak. Uncle Harold actually wrote and published a book called: ‘Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill! “

Uncle Herold demanded graciously allowed me to share a small excerpt from the book.

Enjoy?

Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill!

by Harold De Voss

It will not only impress your lady friend…it will impress her father, ex-boyfriend, her twelve-year-old brother whom has only had his eyeballs glued to Skyrim for last twelve hours, the dog, the cat, and maybe even Grandma, who will put your perfect steak in the blender before eating it.

You must learn how to grill a steak, and learn how to cook it well…no, no, not well done…as a matter of fact, avoid well done at all costs. Never grill a steak past medium. But first thing’s first…attire.

Don’t dress like this:

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

You can support your team, but lose the hat and lose the oven mitt. Remember, oven mitts are for ovens, and not grills…otherwise they would be called grill mitts.

See how that works?

Some marketing guy spent hours naming the accessories to match the appliances. You need your hands bare to help tell the temperature of the steak. Don’t be a wuss.

Don’t wear your apron over your chest either. Fold it in half around your waist.

See? Much better…

Avoid Theming:

Sidenote: The size of your spatula does not have to match the size of your manhood. People will think you are overcompensating.

If you absolutely have to theme…and don’t theme…but if you have to…don’t mix your themes…such as gay sequined Uncle Sam with ironic Native American headdress. You should have gone with gay sequined top hat complete with American flag poking out of the brim.

Finally, never over dress:

Dry cleaners laugh and charge you double for steak juice covered blazers. Also, never wear a scarf…for anything…unless you’re a mailman in Canada or Minnesota.

Onto cooking:

First thing is to be sure to let your steak come to room temperature before cooking. If you’re an Eskimo this actually means 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In Celsius, this is 21.1111 according  to Google because otherwise I wouldn’t know or care about Celsius.

Also, season after the steak is cooked, never before. Always to taste. Salt, pepper, and maybe a little powdered garlic should do the trick.

Some spices to avoid using:

• Cinnamon
• Nutmeg
• Scary
• Arsenic
• Baby Powder
• Mint
• Catsup

Never cut or poke the steak to determine it’s temperature. This will let juices escape. The best method is to check with your finger. This takes some practice, just like if you were checking a woman with your finger, but once you get the hang of it, you will be a steak grilling rock star. (Caution: Always ask a woman permission before checking her with your finger.)

Which would be weird.

How would you hold a guitar and grill at the same time…c’mon think about it!

While the steak is cooking, press on the meat in several places.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Hold your hand out like you are going to shake someone’s hand 1930’s gangster movie style, but not 2012 Gundam style.

Take the your index finger and poke the fleshy area between the thumb and palm. This is what raw meat feels like. This is also what  the fleshy area between your thumb and palm feels like.

For rare, press the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb. The fleshy area below the thumb should give a little. This hand position is also useful for meditating.

Gently press the tip of your middle finger to the tip of your thumb. When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.

Press the tip of your ring finger and your thumb together. The flesh beneath the thumb should give a little more. My Father did all the grilling in the family. He cut his pinkie off with the lawn mower one summer, so this picture is in honor of him.

Hate you Dad.

Don’t worry about medium well or well done. Never cook a steak to these temperatures. You might as well eat McDonald’s instead. Not the food, the packaging.

Happy Grilling!