Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak

3 Jun

Uncle Harold is a lot of things…grumpy, uncultured, rednecky, illiterate, possibly a kleptomaniantic…

But the one skill the man does have, is the ability to cook the perfect steak. Uncle Harold actually wrote and published a book called: ‘Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill! “

Uncle Herold demanded graciously allowed me to share a small excerpt from the book.

Enjoy?

Learn How To Grill The Perfect Steak– a must have skill!

by Harold De Voss

It will not only impress your lady friend…it will impress her father, ex-boyfriend, her twelve-year-old brother whom has only had his eyeballs glued to Skyrim for last twelve hours, the dog, the cat, and maybe even Grandma, who will put your perfect steak in the blender before eating it.

You must learn how to grill a steak, and learn how to cook it well…no, no, not well done…as a matter of fact, avoid well done at all costs. Never grill a steak past medium. But first thing’s first…attire.

Don’t dress like this:

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

Sidenote: Make sure the size of your grill matches the size of your manhood.

You can support your team, but lose the hat and lose the oven mitt. Remember, oven mitts are for ovens, and not grills…otherwise they would be called grill mitts.

See how that works?

Some marketing guy spent hours naming the accessories to match the appliances. You need your hands bare to help tell the temperature of the steak. Don’t be a wuss.

Don’t wear your apron over your chest either. Fold it in half around your waist.

halfapron

See? Much better…

Avoid Theming:

themeing


Sidenote: The size of your spatula does not have to match the size of your manhood. People will think you are overcompensating.

If you absolutely have to theme…and don’t theme…but if you have to…don’t mix your themes…such as gay sequined Uncle Sam with ironic Native American headdress. You should have gone with gay sequined top hat complete with American flag poking out of the brim.

SONY DSC

Finally, never over dress:

overdressed

Dry cleaners laugh and charge you double for steak juice covered blazers. Also, never wear a scarf…for anything…unless you’re a mailman in Canada or Minnesota.

Onto cooking:

First thing is to be sure to let your steak come to room temperature before cooking. If you’re an Eskimo this actually means 70 degrees Fahrenheit. In Celsius, this is 21.1111 according  to Google because otherwise I wouldn’t know or care about Celsius.

Also, season after the steak is cooked, never before. Always to taste. Salt, pepper, and maybe a little powdered garlic should do the trick.

Some spices to avoid using:

  • Cinnamon
  • Nutmeg
  • Scary
  • Arsenic
  • Baby Powder
  • Mint
  • Catsup

Salting_your_steak

Never cut or poke the steak to determine it’s temperature. This will let juices escape. The best method is to check with your finger. This takes some practice, just like if you were checking a woman with your finger, but once you get the hang of it, you will be a steak grilling rock star. (Caution: Always ask a woman permission before checking her with your finger.)

Which would be weird.

How would you hold a guitar and grill at the same time…c’mon think about it!

While the steak is cooking, press on the meat in several places.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Sidenote: Wait until the steak is not engulfed by flames before touching with your fingers.

Hold your hand out like you are going to shake someone’s hand 1930’s gangster movie style, but not 2012 Gundam style.

finger-test-1

Take the your index finger and poke the fleshy area between the thumb and palm. This is what raw meat feels like. This is also what  the fleshy area between your thumb and palm feels like.

finger-test-3

For rare, press the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb. The fleshy area below the thumb should give a little. This hand position is also useful for meditating.

finger-test-4

Gently press the tip of your middle finger to the tip of your thumb. When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.

finger-test-5

Press the tip of your ring finger and your thumb together. The flesh beneath the thumb should give a little more. My Father did all the grilling in the family. He cut his pinkie off with the lawn mower one summer, so this picture is in honor of him.

Hate you Dad.

Don’t worry about medium well or well done. Never cook a steak to these temperatures. You might as well eat McDonald’s instead. Not the food, the packaging.

Happy Grilling!

44 Responses to “Uncle Harold’s Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak”

  1. coachdaddyblogger June 3, 2013 at 9:19 AM #

    Why is that hand chart for determining how done a steak is not given to every boy at age 15? Well, 23. I think at 15, they are doing something different with their hands, and at age 20, they’re letting someone 23 years old cool while they hold a bottle of beer. This is great stuff, brother, Great stuff.

    • Christopher De Voss June 3, 2013 at 9:55 AM #

      Thank you. Yes, the hand chart should be in some sort man guide packet given out at an early age.

  2. tarnishedsophia June 3, 2013 at 9:20 AM #

    “When everyone is complaining that it’s taking too long to eat, release middle finger to upright position.”

    Since I’m vegetarian, and thus don’t care about making yummy cow fleshcakes, THIS comment above was the best part of the post for me. Oh, and the guy rockin’ that horrible sequined “Native American outfit”.

    Guessing the poor guy lost a major bet…

  3. Kitt Crescendo June 3, 2013 at 9:25 AM #

    Educational & humorous. Great job!

  4. David Stewart June 3, 2013 at 9:30 AM #

    Brilliant, although I shouldn’t read posts about the perfect steak right before going to bed. Because I would totally go grill one up now if I had one in the house. Somehow a hot dog would not cut it.

    • Christopher De Voss June 3, 2013 at 9:57 AM #

      Haha! It’s morning here and I’m thinking about having steak for breakfast.

      • David Stewart June 3, 2013 at 10:30 AM #

        It’s 11:30pm here. They do have 24hr barbecue restaurants here, but probably not the best idea at the moment. Enjoy your steak for both of us.

  5. Dotty Headbanger June 3, 2013 at 9:57 AM #

    Dear Chris,

    Sausages are better.

    Love Dotty xxx

    • Christopher De Voss June 3, 2013 at 9:57 AM #

      Dotty… You’re alive!

      • Dotty Headbanger June 3, 2013 at 10:00 AM #

        Dear Chris,

        I am! And when I replied to your ghost comment I forgot to press ‘reply’ I just did a new one so you didn’t see it.

        Love Dotty xxx

      • Christopher De Voss June 3, 2013 at 10:03 AM #

        Ghosts forget to hit reply sometimes. 😉

    • unfetteredbs June 4, 2013 at 3:25 AM #

      Yay. Lovely to see you!!

  6. Shackled and Crowned June 3, 2013 at 10:11 AM #

    Ah, from a chef…you’ve just made the perfect New York Strip. Making my mouth water.

  7. The Vanilla Housewife June 3, 2013 at 10:33 AM #

    season after the steak is cooked, never before <– i honestly did not know you were supposed to to this. I'm going to try this on Saturday 🙂
    just like if you were checking a woman with your finger<–You are crazy! LMAO

  8. Maddie Cochere June 3, 2013 at 10:42 AM #

    I always season before. Now I know to put the baby powder on after it’s cooked. Oh wait. 86 the baby powder. What’s your opinion on steak butters or Bernaise sauce?

  9. silkpurseproductions June 3, 2013 at 11:27 AM #

    You make no mention of “steak rubs”. Are these to be applied after as well? At least you have confirmed that a properly done steak is always rare.

    • Christopher De Voss June 3, 2013 at 11:34 AM #

      This is only an excerpt from his book. He has a whole chapter on steak rubs, but it was too pornographic to feature here.

      • silkpurseproductions June 3, 2013 at 11:57 AM #

        I would suspect it would be. My original comment turned out to be exactly that. I sat back and read it before I pushed send and thought, “you can’t post that!”.

      • Christopher De Voss June 3, 2013 at 12:05 PM #

        Never be afraid to push the publish button.

  10. ksbeth June 3, 2013 at 12:47 PM #

    this is hilarious and obviously he is a grill master among many other things )

  11. BrainRants June 3, 2013 at 3:51 PM #

    Great guide, dude! Uncle Harold was onto something there. I’m off to find me a 4th of July Pimp Hat now…

  12. Daan van den Bergh June 3, 2013 at 6:01 PM #

    This was actually really useful, I mean, I already make a great steak (and I measure with Celsius can you imagine!?) but those medium rare tips, that is just brilliant!

    Thank you for sharing, good sir! I’m RTing this!

  13. unfetteredbs June 4, 2013 at 3:26 AM #

    Smart dude your uncle.

  14. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher June 4, 2013 at 10:27 AM #

    Are you POSITIVE I cannot use arsenic? What does a WOMAN grilling steak do if she’s not up to feeling other women?

  15. The Hook June 4, 2013 at 11:29 AM #

    How did I ever grill before meeting Uncle Harold?
    Thanks, guys!

  16. calahan June 4, 2013 at 3:32 PM #

    That hand chart on an apron would be the best apron in the world.

  17. Andrew June 5, 2013 at 7:52 PM #

    Thank you sir for bringing up catsup. I had a roommate that used to put ketchup on steak constantly. It was an insult to the human race.

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