The title is pretty much the setup. I used to be in a skit group called Left of Center. We played a few bars, opened for a jazz singer…I won’t bore you with the details. It was like a hundred years ago. I was digging through the garage looking for an old Yahoo Internet Life magazine that I was in, which figures that I would be wrote up in a magazine, and it no longer publishes. I won’t bore you with why I was looking for this magazine either, but in the process of looking for this magazine, I found some old skits that the group used to perform.
(I never found the magazine.)
Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. It will be funnier.
Side Note 2: These are old.
Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.
Skit Number One:
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the stage by putting your hands together, and moving them back and forth…back and forth…foooooooooooooooooooor Elvis!
(Elvis walks out.)
Elvis: Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
Interviewer: Elvis, you have been gone for so long, please tell America why you decided to come back now.
Elvis: Well, I came back on a mission, a mission to save Rock-n-Roll. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
Interviewer: Elvis, please tell us exactly how you plan to do that.
Elvis: Well, with the help of my new record company: Overdose Records, I have come to sing rock-n-roll the way it should be sung. The way Elvis would have sung it, baby. By the way, I’m a little hungry. Do you have any fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?
Interviewer: No, Elvis. I’m afraid I do not. But why don’t you sing a little for us. I’m sure America is dying to hear you sing again. (Waves audience to clap.)
Elvis: Well, OK. But it’s going to be hard on an empty stomach. (Clears his throat.) Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. This first tune was originally done by (pronounces wrong) Me-tish-e-la…
Interviewer: Um, I think that’s Metallica, Elvis.
Elvis: (A little angry) Well, yeah whatever. I’m the King, baby. Ok! Remember that — the King! Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
Interviewer: Sorry, go ahead.
Elvis: Well, it’s called One, and I…I like it, because it reminds me of…me! I’m the one, the one King of rock-n-roll, baby! I’ll hum a few bars: (sings slow and Elvis-like.)(singing) I can’t remember anything If this is real or just a dream – uh huh Hold my breath – uh as I wish for death – uh Now the world is gone, I’m just one Oh god help me – uh huh Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-uh huh Darkness invisiting me I cannot live, I cannot die Landmine. Hey, there goes an arm (Points to the left) There goes a leg (Points to the right) uh-huh Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. Didcha notice I added a guitar solo like them Beavis and Butttface guys. Interviewer: (adds quickly) Butthead. Elvis: What did you call me? interviewer: Never mind, I hear you have a duet with a famous rock star, sort of like what Frank Sinatra recently did. Elvis: Why-uh-yes, with my good buddy Axl from Guns-n-Rosies. Come on out here Axl Rose and sing with me.
(Axl walks out. Elvis and Axl start to sway arm in arm.)
Elvis: (Singing) They say we are young, and we don’t know, won’t find out ’till we’ve grown…
Axl: Well, I don’t know, all that’s true, you’ve got me, and baby I’ve got you…
Elvis and Axl: Babe, I’ve got you babe, I’ve got you babe.
Axl: (Goes into a tirade) Come on Elvis, I’ll see you in the jungle baby! I’m gonna watch you bleed! Uh! (Axl runs off the stage.)
Elvis: Uh-huh. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. I’m coming back, baby. Watch out!
Interviewer: Elvis, I also hear you’re putting out a spoken word record of some of your favorite poetry. Would you do a piece or two for us.
Elvis: I thought you would never ask, baby. Here is one about how hard, but rewarding life on the river can be. I dedicate it to everyone in Mississippi. (Pauses, looking very serious.)Row…Row…Row…your boat… Gently down the stream. (pauses) Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily… Life is but a dream
Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
(Someone hands Elvis a towel.)
Interviewer: Uh, thank you Elvis. I know you must be going, you are a very busy entertainer…
Elvis: Wait, I’m not through yet. I’m a legend. I’ve got more baby…
Interviewer: I would like to thank Overdose Records and Elvis for coming here tonight…
Elvis: (Now being led off the stage) wait, here’s one more…Peas Porridge hot, Peas…uh-huh…
Interviewer: Join us again next folks, good night.
Announcer: (When everyone has left the stage) Ladies and Gentlemen…Elvis has left the building.