The title is pretty much the setup. I used to be in a skit group called Left of Center. We played a few bars, opened for a jazz singer…I won’t bore you with the details. It was like a hundred years ago. I was digging through the garage looking for an old Yahoo Internet Life magazine that I was in, which figures that I would be wrote up in a magazine, and it no longer publishes. I won’t bore you with why I was looking for this magazine either, but in the process of looking for this magazine, I found some old skits that the group used to perform.
(I never found the magazine.)
Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. It will be funnier.
Side Note 2: These are old.
Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.
Skit Number One:
Elvis!
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the stage by putting your hands together, and moving them back and forth…back and forth…foooooooooooooooooooor Elvis!
(Elvis walks out.)
Elvis: Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
Interviewer: Elvis, you have been gone for so long, please tell America why you decided to come back now.
Elvis: Well, I came back on a mission, a mission to save Rock-n-Roll. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
Interviewer: Elvis, please tell us exactly how you plan to do that.
Elvis: Well, with the help of my new record company: Overdose Records, I have come to sing rock-n-roll the way it should be sung. The way Elvis would have sung it, baby. By the way, I’m a little hungry. Do you have any fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?
Interviewer: No, Elvis. I’m afraid I do not. But why don’t you sing a little for us. I’m sure America is dying to hear you sing again. (Waves audience to clap.)
Audience: (Claps)
Elvis: Well, OK. But it’s going to be hard on an empty stomach. (Clears his throat.) Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. This first tune was originally done by (pronounces wrong) Me-tish-e-la…
Interviewer: Um, I think that’s Metallica, Elvis.
Elvis: (A little angry) Well, yeah whatever. I’m the King, baby. Ok! Remember that — the King! Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
Interviewer: Sorry, go ahead.
Elvis: Well, it’s called One, and I…I like it, because it reminds me of…me! I’m the one, the one King of rock-n-roll, baby! I’ll hum a few bars: (sings slow and Elvis-like.)
(singing) I can’t remember anything If this is real or just a dream – uh huh Hold my breath – uh as I wish for death – uh Now the world is gone, I’m just one Oh god help me – uh huh Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-uh huh Darkness invisiting me I cannot live, I cannot die Landmine. Hey, there goes an arm (Points to the left) There goes a leg (Points to the right) uh-huh Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. Didcha notice I added a guitar solo like them Beavis and Butttface guys. Interviewer: (adds quickly) Butthead. Elvis: What did you call me? interviewer: Never mind, I hear you have a duet with a famous rock star, sort of like what Frank Sinatra recently did. Elvis: Why-uh-yes, with my good buddy Axl from Guns-n-Rosies. Come on out here Axl Rose and sing with me.(Axl walks out. Elvis and Axl start to sway arm in arm.)
Elvis: (Singing) They say we are young, and we don’t know, won’t find out ’till we’ve grown…
Axl: Well, I don’t know, all that’s true, you’ve got me, and baby I’ve got you…
Elvis and Axl: Babe, I’ve got you babe, I’ve got you babe.
Axl: (Goes into a tirade) Come on Elvis, I’ll see you in the jungle baby! I’m gonna watch you bleed! Uh! (Axl runs off the stage.)
Elvis: Uh-huh. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. I’m coming back, baby. Watch out!
Interviewer: Elvis, I also hear you’re putting out a spoken word record of some of your favorite poetry. Would you do a piece or two for us.
Elvis: I thought you would never ask, baby. Here is one about how hard, but rewarding life on the river can be. I dedicate it to everyone in Mississippi. (Pauses, looking very serious.)
Row…Row…Row…your boat… Gently down the stream. (pauses) Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily… Life is but a dreamThank you. Thank-you-very-much.
(Someone hands Elvis a towel.)
Interviewer: Uh, thank you Elvis. I know you must be going, you are a very busy entertainer…
Elvis: Wait, I’m not through yet. I’m a legend. I’ve got more baby…
Interviewer: I would like to thank Overdose Records and Elvis for coming here tonight…
Elvis: (Now being led off the stage) wait, here’s one more…Peas Porridge hot, Peas…uh-huh…
Interviewer: Join us again next folks, good night.
Announcer: (When everyone has left the stage) Ladies and Gentlemen…Elvis has left the building.
Christopher De Voss 
I enjoyed that even while sober.
But Axl showing up on stage when called?
This was written back when Appetite for Destruction came out… Axl still gave a shit.
That was awesome. Thanks for the giggle. 🙂
Thank you for the kind words.
That was good. Did you write the skits also?
On a side note…
I often pray that the ghost of Jimmi Hendrix will come back and hunt down Justin Bieber…
I usually came up with the concept, and everyone wrote it together. There was usually five to six of us at any given incarnation of the group.
That sounds like it would be so much fun.
It was…really fun…and paid next to nothing. But I had a great time with some great talent.
Any links to old videos on You Tube you can share with us?
I’m going to date myself, but youtube and camera phones were not around. 😦
Pretty cool dude!~ Great laugh
Thank you!
Good stuff. Can hear E now..murrily, murrily…
You could play Elvis if I ever got the group back together.
Thank you very much.
Yahoo Internet Life magazine – now that’s a blast from the (recent) past. It’s bizarre to think that there was a print magazine about the internet.
Now, about the skit……I guess I’m against the flow here….. I warmed to it kind of slowly, but I did like the ending a lot. And the comments. Perhaps my lack of Metallica and Guns n Roses vocabulary hampered me.
It’s a visual thing. It’s much better performed than read…and it’s old.
Please don’t take my comments seriously. I love your writing – truly. I would have loved to see you onstage. Skits, stand up, improv – any excuse to laugh and I’m there. 🙂
No, it’s OK. I was worried about publishing these because they are better seen then read.
I think you are incredibly brave to have gotten up there and put yourself on the line like that. You never have to regret not having tried.
Exactly.
That was fun. I actually have Elvis tattooes on me in 3 places… in zombie and sugar skull form. xo
Zombie Elvis… Interesting. 🙂
I happen to love Metallica and Guns and Roses too lmao
At the time this was written, they were at the height of there careers.
Holy cow, talk about blowing the dust off lmao. I love digging through old stuff and finding pieces of “younger Christa”. lol
Oh my! Haha. 😉
Were any of your sketch performances recorded? You should post one. 🙂
No… This was before YouTube and such… Now I have dated myself.
Dating one’s self is nothing to be ashamed of. Dinner, dancing, maybe a movie, a date is a date.
True.
Long live the King!
Elvis lives!
I can just hear Elvis singing “One”. Pure awesome.
Thank you sir!