Tag Archives: creative writing

Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part One)

12 Aug

The title is pretty much the setup. I used to be in a skit group called Left of Center. We played a few bars, opened for a jazz singer…I won’t bore you with the details. It was like a hundred years ago. I was digging through the garage looking for an old Yahoo Internet Life magazine that I was in, which figures that I would be wrote up in a magazine, and it no longer publishes. I won’t bore you with why I was looking for this magazine either, but in the process of looking for this magazine, I found some old skits that the group used to perform.

(I never found the magazine.)

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Skit Number One:

Elvis!

Announcer:  Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the stage by putting your hands together, and moving them back and forth…back and forth…foooooooooooooooooooor Elvis!

(Elvis walks out.)

Elvis: Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer: Elvis, you have been gone for so long, please tell America why you decided to come back now.

Elvis: Well, I came back on a mission, a mission to save Rock-n-Roll. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer: Elvis, please tell us exactly how you plan to do that.

Elvis: Well, with the help of my new record company: Overdose Records, I have come to sing rock-n-roll the way it should be sung.  The way Elvis would have sung it, baby. By the way, I’m a little hungry. Do you have any fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?

Interviewer: No, Elvis. I’m afraid I do not. But why don’t you sing a little for us. I’m sure America is dying to hear you sing again. (Waves audience to clap.)

Audience:  (Claps)

Elvis: Well, OK. But it’s going to be hard on an empty stomach. (Clears his throat.) Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. This first tune was originally done by (pronounces wrong) Me-tish-e-la…

Interviewer: Um, I think that’s Metallica, Elvis.

Elvis: (A little angry) Well, yeah whatever. I’m the King, baby. Ok! Remember that — the King! Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer:  Sorry, go ahead.

Elvis: Well, it’s called One, and I…I like it, because it reminds me of…me! I’m the one, the one King of rock-n-roll, baby! I’ll hum a few bars: (sings slow and Elvis-like.)

(singing) I can’t remember anything
If this is real or just a dream – uh huh
Hold my breath – uh as I wish for death – uh
Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh god help me – uh huh
 
Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-uh huh
 
Darkness invisiting me
I cannot live, I cannot die
Landmine.
Hey, there goes an arm (Points to the left)
There goes a leg (Points to the right) uh-huh
Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
 
Didcha notice I added a guitar solo like them Beavis and Butttface guys.
 
Interviewer: (adds quickly) Butthead.
 
Elvis: What did you call me?
 
interviewer: Never mind, I hear you have a duet with a famous rock star, sort of like what Frank Sinatra recently did.
 
Elvis: Why-uh-yes, with my good buddy Axl from Guns-n-Rosies. Come on out here Axl Rose and sing with me.
 

(Axl walks out. Elvis and Axl start to sway arm in arm.)

Elvis: (Singing) They say we are young, and we don’t know, won’t find out ’till we’ve grown…

Axl: Well, I don’t know, all that’s true, you’ve got me, and baby I’ve got you…

Elvis and Axl: Babe, I’ve got you babe, I’ve got you babe.

Axl: (Goes into a tirade) Come on Elvis, I’ll see you in the jungle baby! I’m gonna watch you bleed! Uh! (Axl runs off the stage.)

Elvis: Uh-huh. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. I’m coming back, baby. Watch out!

Interviewer: Elvis, I also hear you’re putting out a spoken word record of some of your favorite poetry. Would you do a piece or two for us.

Elvis: I thought you would never ask, baby. Here is one about how hard, but rewarding life on the river can be. I dedicate it to everyone in Mississippi. (Pauses, looking very serious.)

Row…Row…Row…your boat…
Gently down the stream. (pauses)
Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…
Life is but a dream

Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

(Someone hands Elvis a towel.)

Interviewer: Uh, thank you Elvis. I know you must be going, you are a very busy entertainer…

Elvis: Wait, I’m not through yet. I’m a legend. I’ve got more baby…

Interviewer: I would like to thank Overdose Records and Elvis for coming here tonight…

Elvis: (Now being led off the stage) wait, here’s one more…Peas Porridge hot, Peas…uh-huh…

Interviewer: Join us again next folks, good night.

Announcer: (When everyone has left the stage) Ladies and Gentlemen…Elvis has left the building.

 

My Tips on Creative Writing

24 Aug

Here are my person tips on successfully creating content to fill a book, a blog, an essay, term paper, letter to Grandma, spam email, hate letter to Grandma, comic book, or any other writing medium you may need or come across.

Tip Number One:

Come up with a good idea. One that no one else has ever come up with, one that will blow the doors off of everyone who reads it. One that will change the world. One that will bring nations to their knees.

No pressure.

(By the way: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure has already been done, so think of something different.)

Tip Number Two:

Write that idea down. Preferably on something non-flammable, or not easily lost, or not easily stolen. Not like a post-it note, toilet paper (unused), or a cocktail napkin, or the side of a hobo. I prefer an app called Evernote. Not everyone has a smart phone…so if you don’t, make sure to write it down with something that does not easily smudge, like chiseling it on a rock, or like a fine tip Sharpie…

….not like a piece of chalk, charcoal briquette, or cheap yellow highlighter.

Oh yes, that reminds me…make sure you can read it. Make sure you write it down in your native language and not some encrypted tongue you made up while on a drunken marathon of Lord of The Rings, Storage Wars, and/or the NASA channel.

Tip Number Three:

Set yourself a schedule to work on your thoughts and ideas…and stick to it. Find a nice quiet place to work, free of clutter, free of distractions…like children, spouses, strippers, construction workers, TV, radio, ham radio, turkey radio, bar flys, YouTube, the ice cream man, and/or strippers.

(Strippers are very distracting to the writing process. That’s why I listed it twice.)

Tip Number Four:

Set yourself goals and deadlines. Make them realistic enough to keep, but tough enough to keep you motivated. When you don’t meet these goals, cut off a chunk of your hair with some dull scissors. When you no longer have hair, you have failed yourself. If this happens, become a Buddhist monk instead. All you will need is the Orange Robes.

Tip Number Five:

Panic.

Panic when you don’t have any ideas. Panic when you miss your deadline. Panic at the disco. Panic like no one is watching. Panic like your life depended on it.

Panic.

And cry.

Tip Number Six:

After you panic…drink. Drink vodka and cranberry. Drink rum and coke. Drink Colt 45. Don’t drink and drive.  Drink at that nice work space you made for yourself, free of distractions and clutter. March around your writing space, in your underwear, drink in hand, and tell every inanimate object that you hate them:

“I hate you pencil. I hate you laptop. I hate you desk lamp. I hate you voodoo doll. I hate you 99 cent half eaten burrito from 711 that I probably shouldn’t have gotten because it makes me gassy but kind of looked good sitting in that little roller thing that keeps food hot all day but doesn’t keep them fresh so it takes like George Lopez’s butt hair. I hate you vodka and cranberry.*”

*Side note: Avoid run-on sentences. (Apparently people who smoke a lot of pot hate run-on sentences.)

Tip Number Seven:

Find some strippers.

—–

I hope that helps. Good luck to all you beginning budding writers out there. I’m sure Marc Schuster will be asking me to substitute for his writing class if he ever gets sick, so I will let you know the dates on that…in case you want to attend.

I will leave you with a simplified version of someone’s list on being and staying creative. I have taken out all the irrelevant parts:

Optional steps: 3) Cry 4) Strippers