Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Three…and final…unless I find more)

22 Aug
Part One is here.
Part Two is here.

Reminders:

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. (Especially this one.) It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Side Note 4: This was my favorite one, and hardest skit to execute.

Skit Number Three:

Way Of The World

Setting: A typical talk show set with six chairs. The Host sits on the far right chair.

Bester: Hello! I’m your host Bester Casterbester, and welcome to another fascinating edition of: Way Of The World. Tonight’s second look into the week long series: “People Who Ask Questions…And The People Who Answer Them” concludes tonight. Let’s meet tonight’s panel starting on my left; Mr Dean Lowe…

Lowe: ( Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Steve Goodnfast…

Goodnfast: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Juice Tunney…

Tunney: (Nods)

Bester: …Mr. Ronald Clump…

Clump: (Nods)

Bester: …And in the very last chair, a bowl of Franks-n-Beans. Welcome Gentlemen.

All: Thank you.

Bester: First, Mr. Dean Lowe, a Presidential Adviser, who claims; Ask him any question, and he won’t know the answer. How are you doing tonight, sir?

Lowe: (Pauses, looks confused.) I…I…I don’t know.

Bester: Oh, I get it. I asked you a question, didn’t I?

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: (In a half joking manner.) I see. This is going to get us nowhere really fast, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: So let’s meet Mr. Steve Goodnfast, who works in an Information Booth in the mall. He claims to answer questions five minutes after they have been asked.

Goodnfast: Good evening.

Bester: When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Mr. Goodnfast? Mr. Goodnfast? Let me repeat the question. When did you first discover this strange way of answering questions?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Oh yes. We must wait on his answer. I forgot. (turning to Lowe) This is going to be rough, isn’t it?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: Sometime when I was about three, I think.

Bester: What? Oh, oh yes. Mr. Goodnfast has finally answered my previous question from before. Do you find people get easily upset with you, Mr. Goodnfast?

Goodnfast: (Sits there and says nothing.)

Bester: Well, it looks like we have to wait again. Let’s meet Mr. Juice Tunney, a grade school teacher, who answers questions before they are asked, but always gets them wrong. Interesting…let me ask you this…

Tunney: (interrupting) By spanking my bare bottom with ham salad.

Bester: How did your parents try to help you through school? Oh, he has already answered…

Goodnfast: Yes, very easily…for I’m always behind in the conversation.

Bester: I’m sorry Mr. Goodnfast. What did you say?

Goodnfast: (says nothing)

Bester: (Turns to Lowe) What did he say?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Mr. Tunney, did…

Tunney: He said; ‘Shave off all my chest hair and make meatloaf out of it.

Bester: Never mind. We are almost out of time. Let’s meet our panel member, Mr. Ronald Clump, a psychiatrist from Brooklyn, who answers questions by asking questions. Sorry about all the madness.

Clump: Oh, it’s quite alright.

Bester: Are you sure?

Clump: Are you not?

Bester: Why did you just ask that?

Clump: What are you implying?

Bester: Nothing. I was just…

Goodnfast: I said; Yes, very easily…I’m always behind in the conversations.

Bester: What? Oh, wait! Forget I said that. Mr. Tunney…

Tunney: Stick my fingers up my nose and blow really hard.

Bester: But that doesn’t make asny sense to me asking you, how you survive in the work place. Never mind! (In a half turn to Mr. Lowe) How did I ever get myself into this?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Bester: Shut up! Don’t you know anything?! (jumps up)

Lowe: I…I’m not sure.

Bester: I’m sure we are out of time, and I am almost out of my mind. I’d like to thank each one of the panel members for coming here, and hope…

Tunney: If the plane of penguins arrives without landing on my bellybutton.

Bester: …we can invite them back someday?

Lowe: I don’t know.

Goodnfast: I said, easily I’m always behind in conversations. I’m not repeating it again.

Clump: When?

Bester: When what?

Clump: When do you want me back?

Bester: Why did you ask me that just now?

Clump: What…change your mind?

Bester: Just what is your major malfunction?!

Clump: Tell me what’s really bothering you?

Bester: Be quiet! All of you! I’ve had enough! I’m Bester Casterbester. Join us on Way of the World next week when our panel will consist of: People Who Have No Feet, But Still Insist On Wearing Shoes. Goodnight!

(Bester leaves immediately, and everyone else shuffles out behind him except Goodnfast, who is still sitting down. Clump grabs the bowl of Franks-n-beans and eats them on the way out.)

Goodnfast: I’d love to come back…

(Enter into next skit with Goodnfast still sitting in his seat. Change scene accordingly.)

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13 Responses to “Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Three…and final…unless I find more)”

  1. pieterk515 August 22, 2013 at 9:19 AM #

    Whoa! I see what you mean. I have performance anxiety just reading it.

  2. El Guapo August 22, 2013 at 11:58 AM #

    Ha!
    How many times did you successsfully perform this without someone breaking down in the middle?

  3. Hippie Cahier August 22, 2013 at 1:20 PM #

    I’m not sure why I keep forgetting to come back and start at the beginning. I think I saw Elvis mentioned at some point. That has to be good. I shall return.

  4. Monk Monkey August 23, 2013 at 5:06 AM #

    Mr. Juice Tunney? OMG that’s awesome!

    • Christopher De Voss August 23, 2013 at 8:30 AM #

      Thank you! Monty Python homage.

      • Monk Monkey August 23, 2013 at 5:18 PM #

        And thank you my Monty Python homie!

  5. The Hook August 23, 2013 at 11:17 AM #

    Keep digging for more!

  6. ksbeth August 24, 2013 at 6:51 AM #

    ‘shave off all my chesthair and make meatloaf out of it’ – my fav line

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