Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part One)

12 Aug

The title is pretty much the setup. I used to be in a skit group called Left of Center. We played a few bars, opened for a jazz singer…I won’t bore you with the details. It was like a hundred years ago. I was digging through the garage looking for an old Yahoo Internet Life magazine that I was in, which figures that I would be wrote up in a magazine, and it no longer publishes. I won’t bore you with why I was looking for this magazine either, but in the process of looking for this magazine, I found some old skits that the group used to perform.

(I never found the magazine.)

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Skit Number One:

Elvis!

Announcer:  Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the stage by putting your hands together, and moving them back and forth…back and forth…foooooooooooooooooooor Elvis!

(Elvis walks out.)

Elvis: Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer: Elvis, you have been gone for so long, please tell America why you decided to come back now.

Elvis: Well, I came back on a mission, a mission to save Rock-n-Roll. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer: Elvis, please tell us exactly how you plan to do that.

Elvis: Well, with the help of my new record company: Overdose Records, I have come to sing rock-n-roll the way it should be sung.  The way Elvis would have sung it, baby. By the way, I’m a little hungry. Do you have any fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?

Interviewer: No, Elvis. I’m afraid I do not. But why don’t you sing a little for us. I’m sure America is dying to hear you sing again. (Waves audience to clap.)

Audience:  (Claps)

Elvis: Well, OK. But it’s going to be hard on an empty stomach. (Clears his throat.) Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. This first tune was originally done by (pronounces wrong) Me-tish-e-la…

Interviewer: Um, I think that’s Metallica, Elvis.

Elvis: (A little angry) Well, yeah whatever. I’m the King, baby. Ok! Remember that — the King! Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer:  Sorry, go ahead.

Elvis: Well, it’s called One, and I…I like it, because it reminds me of…me! I’m the one, the one King of rock-n-roll, baby! I’ll hum a few bars: (sings slow and Elvis-like.)

(singing) I can’t remember anything
If this is real or just a dream – uh huh
Hold my breath – uh as I wish for death – uh
Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh god help me – uh huh
 
Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-uh huh
 
Darkness invisiting me
I cannot live, I cannot die
Landmine.
Hey, there goes an arm (Points to the left)
There goes a leg (Points to the right) uh-huh
Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
 
Didcha notice I added a guitar solo like them Beavis and Butttface guys.
 
Interviewer: (adds quickly) Butthead.
 
Elvis: What did you call me?
 
interviewer: Never mind, I hear you have a duet with a famous rock star, sort of like what Frank Sinatra recently did.
 
Elvis: Why-uh-yes, with my good buddy Axl from Guns-n-Rosies. Come on out here Axl Rose and sing with me.
 

(Axl walks out. Elvis and Axl start to sway arm in arm.)

Elvis: (Singing) They say we are young, and we don’t know, won’t find out ’till we’ve grown…

Axl: Well, I don’t know, all that’s true, you’ve got me, and baby I’ve got you…

Elvis and Axl: Babe, I’ve got you babe, I’ve got you babe.

Axl: (Goes into a tirade) Come on Elvis, I’ll see you in the jungle baby! I’m gonna watch you bleed! Uh! (Axl runs off the stage.)

Elvis: Uh-huh. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. I’m coming back, baby. Watch out!

Interviewer: Elvis, I also hear you’re putting out a spoken word record of some of your favorite poetry. Would you do a piece or two for us.

Elvis: I thought you would never ask, baby. Here is one about how hard, but rewarding life on the river can be. I dedicate it to everyone in Mississippi. (Pauses, looking very serious.)

Row…Row…Row…your boat…
Gently down the stream. (pauses)
Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…
Life is but a dream

Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

(Someone hands Elvis a towel.)

Interviewer: Uh, thank you Elvis. I know you must be going, you are a very busy entertainer…

Elvis: Wait, I’m not through yet. I’m a legend. I’ve got more baby…

Interviewer: I would like to thank Overdose Records and Elvis for coming here tonight…

Elvis: (Now being led off the stage) wait, here’s one more…Peas Porridge hot, Peas…uh-huh…

Interviewer: Join us again next folks, good night.

Announcer: (When everyone has left the stage) Ladies and Gentlemen…Elvis has left the building.

 
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38 Responses to “Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part One)”

  1. El Guapo August 12, 2013 at 9:10 AM #

    I enjoyed that even while sober.

    But Axl showing up on stage when called?

    • Christopher De Voss August 12, 2013 at 9:28 AM #

      This was written back when Appetite for Destruction came out… Axl still gave a shit.

  2. Ruby Canoe August 12, 2013 at 10:51 AM #

    That was awesome. Thanks for the giggle. 🙂

  3. Ervin Sholpnick August 12, 2013 at 1:32 PM #

    That was good. Did you write the skits also?

    On a side note…
    I often pray that the ghost of Jimmi Hendrix will come back and hunt down Justin Bieber…

    • Christopher De Voss August 12, 2013 at 1:42 PM #

      I usually came up with the concept, and everyone wrote it together. There was usually five to six of us at any given incarnation of the group.

      • Ervin Sholpnick August 12, 2013 at 1:44 PM #

        That sounds like it would be so much fun.

      • Christopher De Voss August 12, 2013 at 1:47 PM #

        It was…really fun…and paid next to nothing. But I had a great time with some great talent.

      • Ervin Sholpnick August 12, 2013 at 1:50 PM #

        Any links to old videos on You Tube you can share with us?

      • Christopher De Voss August 12, 2013 at 2:05 PM #

        I’m going to date myself, but youtube and camera phones were not around. 😦

  4. slingshotbaby69 August 12, 2013 at 5:30 PM #

    Pretty cool dude!~ Great laugh

  5. omawarisan August 12, 2013 at 9:07 PM #

    Good stuff. Can hear E now..murrily, murrily…

    • Christopher De Voss August 12, 2013 at 9:08 PM #

      You could play Elvis if I ever got the group back together.

      • omawarisan August 12, 2013 at 9:11 PM #

        Thank you very much.

  6. night owl August 12, 2013 at 11:46 PM #

    Yahoo Internet Life magazine – now that’s a blast from the (recent) past. It’s bizarre to think that there was a print magazine about the internet.

    Now, about the skit……I guess I’m against the flow here….. I warmed to it kind of slowly, but I did like the ending a lot. And the comments. Perhaps my lack of Metallica and Guns n Roses vocabulary hampered me.

    • Christopher De Voss August 12, 2013 at 11:59 PM #

      It’s a visual thing. It’s much better performed than read…and it’s old.

      • night owl August 13, 2013 at 12:07 AM #

        Please don’t take my comments seriously. I love your writing – truly. I would have loved to see you onstage. Skits, stand up, improv – any excuse to laugh and I’m there. 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss August 13, 2013 at 12:10 AM #

        No, it’s OK. I was worried about publishing these because they are better seen then read.

      • night owl August 13, 2013 at 12:17 AM #

        I think you are incredibly brave to have gotten up there and put yourself on the line like that. You never have to regret not having tried.

      • Christopher De Voss August 13, 2013 at 12:27 AM #

        Exactly.

  7. Christa Thompson @ChristaTravels August 13, 2013 at 9:46 AM #

    That was fun. I actually have Elvis tattooes on me in 3 places… in zombie and sugar skull form. xo

  8. Christa Thompson @ChristaTravels August 13, 2013 at 9:48 AM #

    I happen to love Metallica and Guns and Roses too lmao

    • Christopher De Voss August 13, 2013 at 10:03 AM #

      At the time this was written, they were at the height of there careers.

  9. calahan August 13, 2013 at 7:30 PM #

    Were any of your sketch performances recorded? You should post one. 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss August 13, 2013 at 7:54 PM #

      No… This was before YouTube and such… Now I have dated myself.

      • calahan August 13, 2013 at 11:08 PM #

        Dating one’s self is nothing to be ashamed of. Dinner, dancing, maybe a movie, a date is a date.

      • Christopher De Voss August 14, 2013 at 12:35 AM #

        True.

  10. gingerfightback August 14, 2013 at 3:22 AM #

    Long live the King!

  11. David Stewart August 16, 2013 at 9:02 PM #

    I can just hear Elvis singing “One”. Pure awesome.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Two) | Christopher De Voss - August 15, 2013

    […] Part One is here. […]

  2. The Comeback King ~ The Wandering Poet | Andy Kaufman's Kavalkade Krew ~ FoTS 18 News~ The Wandering Poet - August 20, 2013

    […] Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part One) (chrisdevoss.wordpress.com) […]

  3. Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part Three…and final…unless I find more) | Christopher De Voss - August 22, 2013

    […] Aug Part One is here. Part Two is […]

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