7 Must-See Commercial Parodies

Jean-Claude Van Damme Volvo Commercial

In what can only be considered the work of marketing geniuses, Volvo found a way to equate the most epic of splits with precision steering. And who better to take on the daunting task of traveling spread eagle between two moving semi-trucks than Jean-Claude Van Damme? With “a pair of legs engineered to defy the laws of physics,” Jean-Claude is practically a superhero. Cue Enya…

Along with JC, Channing Tatum is another one of those rare individuals born with exceedingly magical legs. Seriously, have you seen Step Up? The first one, not the last seventeen where a bunch of white kids took to the streets to show they, too, had street cred.

Dove Real Beauty Sketches

The first time I saw Dove’s real beauty sketches I thought, “How moving.” Then I realized that was probably the first time I’d ever seen a sketch artist…

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Like Justin Timberlake and sexy, I’m bringin’ May Day back

Somewhere, lost between the risen Lord of Easter Sunday and the more laid-back Dos Equis guy of Cinco de Mayo, is the Roman flower goddess Flora, who used to reign supreme as THE party icon this time of year.

It’s time to get crazy and have some wild fun! But hey, watch your manners…

I don’t always celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but when I do… What am I saying, of COURSE I always celebrate Cinco de Mayo!

Nowadays, any May Pole dancing is purely coincidental, at strip clubs, with the only reference to Flora the flower goddess being dancers named “Daisy.” How did a celebration dating back before Jesus somehow get lost in the shuffle between Easter eggs and Mexican beer bottles? Even when I was a kid, which I’d like to point out was well after the resurrection and as recent as the 1970s A.D., I remember dancing around…

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Revisiting Classic Comic Book Adverts (Part One)

I have been a fan of comic books since forever, but they have evolved over the years and not always for the better. For instance, in the 1970’s and early 1980’s comic books were a treasure trove of some of the greatest advertisements ever conceived by man. Now thanks to the internet, we don’t get ads for x-ray specs anymore. Who needs x-ray specs to look at ladies underwear when it’s all just a Google click away? Anyway, the ads in the middle of comic books were sometimes better than the story. Take for example, five of the ads in my copy of Fantastic Four#161 from August 1975.

We can ignore the actual storyline, although it is a classic example of how Mr. Fantastic, Reed Richards, is the absolute biggest dick in the Marvel Universe. We’ll explore his dickery in depth later in a different article. Just trust me when…

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Talking in Circles with a Circle Talker

What’s up?

It’s a simple question that should illicit a relatively straightforward and immediate reply.

In fact, “not much” would be an adequate enough response, because that would mean that the conversation is now over, and we can all move on with our lives with a sense of closure in regard to the initial inquiry into your present state of affairs.

If a normal person approached another normal person and asked that question, they’d probably have no problem giving a direct response.  And, depending on the level of intimacy that the two people share, the context of the question being asked, and whether or not person A has to be someplace important, like, for instance, anywhere else, the entire exchange should take milliseconds.

“And then I got really really dizzy. I didn’t know what he was talking about, and it made me so mad and sad at the same time…

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A tour through my album collection

Growing up, dear children, I was not aloud to listen to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music. My father would say to me, “Monk, m’boy, if I ever see you listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music, I’ll slit yer face.” And so, dear, children, I never did…

But in the late 1980s, something amazing happened. First, I left home and could do what I wanted (and that included listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music) and second, the CD was invented (what MP3s used to come installed upon), so records were suddenly cheap-as-chips as every man Jack and his horse galloped in to their local CD shop to buy CDs, leaving the big, black, vinyl circles alone.

Boy, did I pick up a bargain or two! I have many memories of myself sitting on my settee and listening to some great toons.

So, how about it, dear reader, would you, too, like to…

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The Bullet Points

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave the office and lock the door behind us? Did I mention the SWAT Team is put on alert?

It’s not pretty, yet we all suffer to produce comic gold for you.

Remember that!

1.) Ohio student points finger like gun, is suspended

Rants: Because there’s nothing like a good, healthy overreaction to pointless shit… ‘Murrica.

2.) Sun, Mars, Earth to align in rare cosmic event

Rants: Which someone will use to explain global warming, the 9-11 Conspiracy, and all of Congress’ recent successes. Word has it a major Hollywood production company will make a 15-picture…

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The Over The Line Show With Jack and Joe: Show #4

Please take a moment and do us a favor. It’s really easy! I promise! Can you take two seconds to rate our podcast on iTunes? Pretty please! With Canadian Bacon on top? Much love and thanks to you!

Long Awkward PauseCast Presents:

With Jack And Joe

Here are your PauseCast Cliff Notes:

• Guest: Comedian Mike Birbiglia
• David Letterman Retires
• CNN’s Carousel of Programs
• Wrestling Legends That Ate The Ring
• Politely Challenging Baseball Replays
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers Torture Music
• Ask Your Doctor If Heartbleed Is Right For You?
• Minnie Driver Is Quitting Twitter And Bikinis
• I Don’t Care About Your Game of Thrones
• The Best Creepy Shows
• Boy Bands And Chewbacca

You can listen below:

You can download the episode or listen on the Podomatic App here: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/entry/2014-04-14T18_35_46-07_00

Official PauseCast Page: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/

iTunes: Over The Line #4

You can contact Jack or Joe for topic suggestions or to be a guest HERE

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Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

 

Would you like to see a topic discussed on L.A.P?  Follow this link HERE.

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What Your Boss Can Learn From Bruce Springsteen

Last weekend I was on a road trip with my son. We went to Virginia Beach to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. This was somewhere around my eleventy-seventh Bruce show since the 1980’s; it was my son’s first.

Where’s Omawarisan?

This trip was something we’ve talked about for a long time. One of the things I promised when we were talking about doing this was that we would end up right where we were, standing right in front of the stage with no one between us and the band. I had no business promising that because I had no way of knowing I could make that dream come true.

Sometimes things work out the way they should.  We stood and watched the show from the barricade in front of the stage and were often inches from Bruce and the band. But this isn’t about father/son road trips…

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11 Hypothetical Breakups You Might Actually Care About

Long Awkward Pause:

By now you’ve probably heard the news that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are “consciously uncoupling” (which is trendy, new-age speak for “splitting up”) after 10 years of marriage.

By now you’ve also probably forgotten all about it because not one part of you remotely cares. Gwyneth Paltrow is awful, and Coldplay is overrated. (…Except for the song “Yellow” whose lyrics about bleeding yourself dry for someone sometimes seem touching instead of super clingy. I guess “Fix You” isn’t so bad. “Clocks” and “Viva La Vida” can be nice sometimes, too. I guess Coldplay is okay, but one should never admit that outside of parentheses.)

GP and Chris Martin’s split and the many epic celebrity breakups that precede it got me thinking about how devastated we would be if some of our favorite classic pairs decided to “consciously uncouple.” Here’s hoping these twosomes below don’t mutually decide to split up anytime soon…

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The Saturday Six: Comedians

 What makes you laugh?

 

Besides internet cat videos?

 

Besides farts?

 

Besides someone with a heavy German accent pronouncing the phrase, “I would like to butter your biscuit.”

 

What makes you roll on the floor laughing?

 

Or ROTFLs?

 

Maybe pajamas with the butt flap open?

 

Or PJsWTBFOs?

 

Maybe old ladies eating corn on the cob?

 

Or OLECOTCs?

 

Maybe penguins on parade?

 

Or POPs?

 

Below is some examples of people whose job is to try to make you laugh. They practice the hardest comedic art form there is: Stand-up comedy. It’s hard to stand up in front of a group of half drunk people of all races, creeds, and backgrounds and try to make them laugh…at least with your pants still on. 

 

Happy Saturday!

#ApplaudTheJellyfish

 

 

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