What Your Boss Can Learn From Bruce Springsteen

16 Apr Featured Image -- 6557

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Last weekend I was on a road trip with my son. We went to Virginia Beach to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. This was somewhere around my eleventy-seventh Bruce show since the 1980′s; it was my son’s first.
Find Oma.

Where’s Omawarisan?

This trip was something we’ve talked about for a long time. One of the things I promised when we were talking about doing this was that we would end up right where we were, standing right in front of the stage with no one between us and the band. I had no business promising that because I had no way of knowing I could make that dream come true.

Sometimes things work out the way they should.  We stood and watched the show from the barricade in front of the stage and were often inches from Bruce and the band. But this isn’t about father/son road trips…

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11 Hypothetical Breakups You Might Actually Care About

14 Apr Featured Image -- 6544

Christopher De Voss:

Long Awkward Pause:

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

By now you’ve probably heard the news that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are “consciously uncoupling” (which is trendy, new-age speak for “splitting up”) after 10 years of marriage.

By now you’ve also probably forgotten all about it because not one part of you remotely cares. Gwyneth Paltrow is awful, and Coldplay is overrated. (…Except for the song “Yellow” whose lyrics about bleeding yourself dry for someone sometimes seem touching instead of super clingy. I guess “Fix You” isn’t so bad. “Clocks” and “Viva La Vida” can be nice sometimes, too. I guess Coldplay is okay, but one should never admit that outside of parentheses.)

GP and Chris Martin’s split and the many epic celebrity breakups that precede it got me thinking about how devastated we would be if some of our favorite classic pairs decided to “consciously uncouple.” Here’s hoping these twosomes below don’t mutually decide to split up anytime soon…

1…

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The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

11 Apr shadow

Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!  Click HERE to start from the beginning.

—–

The taller of the two figures looks straight at me and says,

“Is there something I can help you with?!”

He seems a little annoyed. I try to play it light,

“Um, your extension cord is showing…hee, hee…”

The shorter one frantically begins looking over the bundle. The droplets of sweat that have accumulated on his forehead spill to the ground in a salty typhoon for any passing by ants to enjoy. He spies the extension cord and reaches for it with one hand.

“No! Stop! We are dropping it!” the Tall one grits through his teeth.

The bundle starts to shift in their arms. Both men grasp for purchase, but gravity reaches up and yanks the package hard from their limbs. It hits the ground like a 300 pound professional wrestler hitting the mat in an over exaggerated, yet somewhat aerodynamic, death fall.

The metallic thunk reverberates off the pavement and bounces off the apartment walls.

The tall one hisses, “Jesus, we are going to wake up every make-up wielding dateless chick in the neighborhood!”

“Hey!” I said indigently. “Do not, and I mean, DO NOT call me a dateless chick! I am a dateless woman!”

“Sorry,” the Tall one replies.

Suddenly all eyes look at the plastic bag lying on the ground, which is now tiger stripped shredded from the contents within. What looks like a rather large lava lamp wearing a Christmas turtleneck is revealed. It also has two big hubcap wheels on the bottom of it, and two antenna sticking out of the top of it. The largest extension cord ever protrudes from a small compartment on it’s…butt? Duct tape is randomly stuck to it here and there.

“Poop on a stick, she has seen it!” hisses the Smaller one.

“Well, you know what we have to do now…” Tall replies with a rather wicked grin on his face.

—-

Click HERE to continue the story.

 

The All-Time Best Fictional Baseball Team Ever Produced by Hollywood Movies

7 Apr Featured Image -- 6515

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

The 2014 Major League Baseball season has begun and to kick it off here’s a look at the best baseball players and coaches at each position from the minds of the screenwriters, directors, and actors in Hollywood.

Roy Hobbs – Right Field, The Natural (1984)

Image

This 35 year old rookie and former pitching phenom is the stand-out of stand-outs on our list. He alone has more talent than the rest of the list combined and his movie is considered a classic. Sure in the movie the 35-year-old Hobbs is played by 48-year-old Robert Redford (which make the scenes where a 19-year-old Hobbs has his baseball career delayed by psycho Barbara Hershey utterly ridiculous), but the actor’s well worn features just show us that over the 16 years in between getting shot on a train and joining the hapless New York Knights, Hobbs has seen some serious stuff. Hobbs and his…

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The Saturday Six: Comedians

5 Apr Featured Image -- 6507

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

 What makes you laugh?
 
Besides internet cat videos?
 
Besides farts?
 
Besides someone with a heavy German accent pronouncing the phrase, “I would like to butter your biscuit.”
 
What makes you roll on the floor laughing?
 
Or ROTFLs?
 
Maybe pajamas with the butt flap open?
 
Or PJsWTBFOs?
 
Maybe old ladies eating corn on the cob?
 
Or OLECOTCs?
 
Maybe penguins on parade?
 
Or POPs?
 
Below is some examples of people whose job is to try to make you laugh. They practice the hardest comedic art form there is: Stand-up comedy. It’s hard to stand up in front of a group of half drunk people of all races, creeds, and backgrounds and try to make them laugh…at least with your pants still on. 
 
Happy Saturday!
#ApplaudTheJellyfish
 
 

1.)

1standup comedy (1)

2.)

1standup comedy (2)

3.)

1standup comedy (3)

4.)

1standup comedy (4)

5.)

1standup comedy (5)

6.)

1standup comedy (6)

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MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

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Goodnight Malaysian Three Seven Zero

4 Apr Featured Image -- 6505

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

The recent furor over the exact wording of the last broadcast from the tragically lost airliner has us wishing for a touch of moderation from the network reporters feeding off of this story and peace for the families. The words in that last cockpit transmission don’t matter as much as the dignity that “experts” and their “theories” take from those families.

In that spirit, Long Awkward Pause presents a re-do of the beloved children’s book, Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown.

Our re-write was written by Katie and Omawarisan

Goodnight Malaysian Three Seven Zero

(public domain wikimedia)

Over the great green ocean there was a plane

and a weather balloon

and a view of Laos, just below the moon.

And there were three little bears, sitting in first class.

And two little kittens and a pair of Britons.

And a window-seat spouse,

and a flight attendant’s blouse

And a pilot…

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Warnog The Beer Of Champion Klingons

2 Apr Featured Image -- 6500

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

It’s Saturday night on the star ship. You and your fellow hundred companions are off duty for the evening. It’s time to head down to flight deck 12 where the bar is located and get your brew on! So you put on a new, nicely pressed red shirt, which is all you ever wear…whether your on duty or not.

Don’t worry, it’s all everyone ever wears.

You make sure the Starfleet insignia is in the right spot. You don’t want to accidentally run into the Captain and have him bitch you out. Besides you want to look your very best in case your called on an emergency teleportation down to the planet the ship is currently circling.

Redshirts

Hopefully that doesn’t happen. Why?

Because the Federation of Beer (this is a real thing) has announced their newest brew: Warnog, the Klingon Beer. (this is also a real thing)

warnog

Warnog!

This will be…

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Profile: Long Awkward Pause Is Anything But

31 Mar Featured Image -- 6495

Originally posted on WordPress.com News:

WordPress.com is home to millions of individual blogs, but also to lots of  collaborative blogs  where like-minded bloggers coalesce. Long Awkward Pause , a self-styled “humor mag of sorts,” is an up-and-comer in the collaborative blog space.

Founders Chris and Chowderhead bring together great new voices like Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.’s Aussa and funny favorites like Blurt’s Omawarisan to create an always entertaining, frequently sidesplitting mix. We sat down with the motley crew to learn more about how they came together, what it’s like blogging as a pack, and more.

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The Subliminal Meaning Behind Inspirational Pinterest Posters

28 Mar Featured Image -- 6478

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

We try to keep things light and airy around here, and we do that by telling fart jokes, pulling the occasional rubber chicken prank on De Voss, and by maintaining a positive outlook.  In no way, shape or form, does maintaining a positive outlook involve gluing transparent inspirational posters all over our social media pages.

The consensus is unanimous at the LAP offices that these posters are not a proclamation of one’s current positive mindset, but instead, a desperate cry for help.  Either that, or a passive aggressive dig against somebody on the friend list.  Most likely an ex.

That got us to thinking about what exactly is going on in this person’s life that has caused such a massive leap from sloppy-drunk and depressed, to the self-actualization stage over night?  You’re not fooling us.  This is a time of great turbulence, and the smoke signals being sent out from some deserted…

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Tax terms that can help cover your assets

24 Mar Featured Image -- 6475

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

image After clearing off the kitchen table and finding an outlet for the calculator, I sat down to do my taxes. As always, I made sure to have all the necessary documentation and forms — W4s, tax forms, bank statements, insurance reports, tax schedules and, most importantly, a full box of Kleenex.

As I sat staring at this year’s tax booklet, I noticed a special section of “Tax Terms,” which is an alphabetical listing of terms one may encounter during the tax preparation process. Each term is followed by a brief description meant to enlighten the truth-seeking taxpayer through “real-life” examples. For instance, the IRS uses “Jane” and “John” to illustrate the term “Ability to Pay.” In this scenario, Jane is filthy rich, with homes on both coasts that she visits by way of her own Lear jet.

By comparison, John earns what the IRS calls a “more modest salary,” which…

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