A tour through my album collection

21 Apr Featured Image -- 6571

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Growing up, dear children, I was not aloud to listen to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music. My father would say to me, “Monk, m’boy, if I ever see you listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music, I’ll slit yer face.” And so, dear, children, I never did…

But in the late 1980s, something amazing happened. First, I left home and could do what I wanted (and that included listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music) and second, the CD was invented (what MP3s used to come installed upon), so records were suddenly cheap-as-chips as every man Jack and his horse galloped in to their local CD shop to buy CDs, leaving the big, black, vinyl circles alone.

Boy, did I pick up a bargain or two! I have many memories of myself sitting on my settee and listening to some great toons.

So, how about it, dear reader, would you, too, like to…

View original 666 more words

The Bullet Points

18 Apr Featured Image -- 6565

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave the office and lock the door behind us? Did I mention the SWAT Team is put on alert?

It’s not pretty, yet we all suffer to produce comic gold for you.

Remember that!

1.) Ohio student points finger like gun, is suspended

Rants: Because there’s nothing like a good, healthy overreaction to pointless shit… ‘Murrica.

2.) Sun, Mars, Earth to align in rare cosmic event

Rants: Which someone will use to explain global warming, the 9-11 Conspiracy, and all of Congress’ recent successes. Word has it a major Hollywood production company will make a 15-picture…

View original 189 more words

The Over The Line Show With Jack and Joe: Show #4

17 Apr Featured Image -- 6562

Christopher De Voss:

Please take a moment and do us a favor. It’s really easy! I promise! Can you take two seconds to rate our podcast on iTunes? Pretty please! With Canadian Bacon on top? Much love and thanks to you!

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Long Awkward PauseCast Presents:

Over the Line Banner copyWith Jack And Joe

Here are your PauseCast Cliff Notes:

  • Guest: Comedian Mike Birbiglia
  • David Letterman Retires
  • CNN’s Carousel of Programs
  • Wrestling Legends That Ate The Ring
  • Politely Challenging Baseball Replays
  • The Red Hot Chili Peppers Torture Music
  • Ask Your Doctor If Heartbleed Is Right For You?
  • Minnie Driver Is Quitting Twitter And Bikinis
  • I Don’t Care About Your Game of Thrones
  • The Best Creepy Shows
  • Boy Bands And Chewbacca

You can listen below:

You can download the episode or listen on the Podomatic App here: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/entry/2014-04-14T18_35_46-07_00

Official PauseCast Page: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/

iTunes: Over The Line #4

You can contact Jack or Joe for topic suggestions or to be a guest HERE

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Twitter: @LongAwkPause
Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic
 
Would you like to see a topic discussed on L.A.P?  Follow this link HERE.

View original

What Your Boss Can Learn From Bruce Springsteen

16 Apr Featured Image -- 6557

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Last weekend I was on a road trip with my son. We went to Virginia Beach to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. This was somewhere around my eleventy-seventh Bruce show since the 1980′s; it was my son’s first.
Find Oma.

Where’s Omawarisan?

This trip was something we’ve talked about for a long time. One of the things I promised when we were talking about doing this was that we would end up right where we were, standing right in front of the stage with no one between us and the band. I had no business promising that because I had no way of knowing I could make that dream come true.

Sometimes things work out the way they should.  We stood and watched the show from the barricade in front of the stage and were often inches from Bruce and the band. But this isn’t about father/son road trips…

View original 660 more words

11 Hypothetical Breakups You Might Actually Care About

14 Apr Featured Image -- 6544

Christopher De Voss:

Long Awkward Pause:

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

By now you’ve probably heard the news that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are “consciously uncoupling” (which is trendy, new-age speak for “splitting up”) after 10 years of marriage.

By now you’ve also probably forgotten all about it because not one part of you remotely cares. Gwyneth Paltrow is awful, and Coldplay is overrated. (…Except for the song “Yellow” whose lyrics about bleeding yourself dry for someone sometimes seem touching instead of super clingy. I guess “Fix You” isn’t so bad. “Clocks” and “Viva La Vida” can be nice sometimes, too. I guess Coldplay is okay, but one should never admit that outside of parentheses.)

GP and Chris Martin’s split and the many epic celebrity breakups that precede it got me thinking about how devastated we would be if some of our favorite classic pairs decided to “consciously uncouple.” Here’s hoping these twosomes below don’t mutually decide to split up anytime soon…

1…

View original 746 more words

The Most Outlandish Tale About Anxiety and Depression Ever Told

11 Apr shadow

Wait wait, the story doesn’t start here!  This is a blog hop, people!  Click HERE to start from the beginning.

—–

The taller of the two figures looks straight at me and says,

“Is there something I can help you with?!”

He seems a little annoyed. I try to play it light,

“Um, your extension cord is showing…hee, hee…”

The shorter one frantically begins looking over the bundle. The droplets of sweat that have accumulated on his forehead spill to the ground in a salty typhoon for any passing by ants to enjoy. He spies the extension cord and reaches for it with one hand.

“No! Stop! We are dropping it!” the Tall one grits through his teeth.

The bundle starts to shift in their arms. Both men grasp for purchase, but gravity reaches up and yanks the package hard from their limbs. It hits the ground like a 300 pound professional wrestler hitting the mat in an over exaggerated, yet somewhat aerodynamic, death fall.

The metallic thunk reverberates off the pavement and bounces off the apartment walls.

The tall one hisses, “Jesus, we are going to wake up every make-up wielding dateless chick in the neighborhood!”

“Hey!” I said indigently. “Do not, and I mean, DO NOT call me a dateless chick! I am a dateless woman!”

“Sorry,” the Tall one replies.

Suddenly all eyes look at the plastic bag lying on the ground, which is now tiger stripped shredded from the contents within. What looks like a rather large lava lamp wearing a Christmas turtleneck is revealed. It also has two big hubcap wheels on the bottom of it, and two antenna sticking out of the top of it. The largest extension cord ever protrudes from a small compartment on it’s…butt? Duct tape is randomly stuck to it here and there.

“Poop on a stick, she has seen it!” hisses the Smaller one.

“Well, you know what we have to do now…” Tall replies with a rather wicked grin on his face.

—-

Click HERE to continue the story.

 

The All-Time Best Fictional Baseball Team Ever Produced by Hollywood Movies

7 Apr Featured Image -- 6515

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

The 2014 Major League Baseball season has begun and to kick it off here’s a look at the best baseball players and coaches at each position from the minds of the screenwriters, directors, and actors in Hollywood.

Roy Hobbs – Right Field, The Natural (1984)

Image

This 35 year old rookie and former pitching phenom is the stand-out of stand-outs on our list. He alone has more talent than the rest of the list combined and his movie is considered a classic. Sure in the movie the 35-year-old Hobbs is played by 48-year-old Robert Redford (which make the scenes where a 19-year-old Hobbs has his baseball career delayed by psycho Barbara Hershey utterly ridiculous), but the actor’s well worn features just show us that over the 16 years in between getting shot on a train and joining the hapless New York Knights, Hobbs has seen some serious stuff. Hobbs and his…

View original 3,128 more words

The Saturday Six: Comedians

5 Apr Featured Image -- 6507

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

 What makes you laugh?
 
Besides internet cat videos?
 
Besides farts?
 
Besides someone with a heavy German accent pronouncing the phrase, “I would like to butter your biscuit.”
 
What makes you roll on the floor laughing?
 
Or ROTFLs?
 
Maybe pajamas with the butt flap open?
 
Or PJsWTBFOs?
 
Maybe old ladies eating corn on the cob?
 
Or OLECOTCs?
 
Maybe penguins on parade?
 
Or POPs?
 
Below is some examples of people whose job is to try to make you laugh. They practice the hardest comedic art form there is: Stand-up comedy. It’s hard to stand up in front of a group of half drunk people of all races, creeds, and backgrounds and try to make them laugh…at least with your pants still on. 
 
Happy Saturday!
#ApplaudTheJellyfish
 
 

1.)

1standup comedy (1)

2.)

1standup comedy (2)

3.)

1standup comedy (3)

4.)

1standup comedy (4)

5.)

1standup comedy (5)

6.)

1standup comedy (6)

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

View original 26 more words

Goodnight Malaysian Three Seven Zero

4 Apr Featured Image -- 6505

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

The recent furor over the exact wording of the last broadcast from the tragically lost airliner has us wishing for a touch of moderation from the network reporters feeding off of this story and peace for the families. The words in that last cockpit transmission don’t matter as much as the dignity that “experts” and their “theories” take from those families.

In that spirit, Long Awkward Pause presents a re-do of the beloved children’s book, Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown.

Our re-write was written by Katie and Omawarisan

Goodnight Malaysian Three Seven Zero

(public domain wikimedia)

Over the great green ocean there was a plane

and a weather balloon

and a view of Laos, just below the moon.

And there were three little bears, sitting in first class.

And two little kittens and a pair of Britons.

And a window-seat spouse,

and a flight attendant’s blouse

And a pilot…

View original 144 more words

Warnog The Beer Of Champion Klingons

2 Apr Featured Image -- 6500

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

It’s Saturday night on the star ship. You and your fellow hundred companions are off duty for the evening. It’s time to head down to flight deck 12 where the bar is located and get your brew on! So you put on a new, nicely pressed red shirt, which is all you ever wear…whether your on duty or not.

Don’t worry, it’s all everyone ever wears.

You make sure the Starfleet insignia is in the right spot. You don’t want to accidentally run into the Captain and have him bitch you out. Besides you want to look your very best in case your called on an emergency teleportation down to the planet the ship is currently circling.

Redshirts

Hopefully that doesn’t happen. Why?

Because the Federation of Beer (this is a real thing) has announced their newest brew: Warnog, the Klingon Beer. (this is also a real thing)

warnog

Warnog!

This will be…

View original 292 more words

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,992 other followers