It’s always cool when a celebrity respondes to your tweet. I got two celebrities to respond to me this week.
I tweeted this out:
And got this lengthy explaination:
I knew it!
And even more impressive, when I tweeted this:
I got this:
—–
Got some backlash on this one. It was only a joke. I bought her Mother’s Day present at Family Dollar a week ago.
For those that don’t wish to squint it says: My favorite kid’s playground toy: “Let’s pretend to drive a fence.”
If you ever happen to be strolling down a walking path in Maine and come across a limping, weeping, zombie Darth Vader, don't be alarmed -- it's just me.
It all started a few years ago when my podiatrist pointed to the tiny stress fracture on my X-ray and said, "See this? When your foot comes down on the pavement, it cracks, just like a pretzel."
I saw the strange little man walking down the sidewalk way before he got to me. He was wearing long tattered brown robes and a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap, turned slightly askew on his head. He had a long grey beard with a dash of purple in it. The beard almost touched the ground. He also had a long walking stick with a metallic skull screwed on top.
The strange man was pointing at me as he slowly made his way down the sidewalk. It gave me enough time to brush the dirt off my hands and put on a shirt. I guess the weeds could wait a minute for this strange appearance of what I would guess to be Gandolf the Weird.
The strange man came right up to me, almost nose to nose and said,
“I’m Gandolf the Wired…and I’m a Sperm Wizard!”
“Oh, okay buddy,” I replied. “I really don’t swing that way…but if it helps, I support gay marriage. Truth be told, I think televised Gay Divorce Court would be hilarious!”
Gandolf knocked me the head with the skull cane.
“Listen to me!” he spit. “I am a Sperm Wizard. I can talk to the Sperm that created you! It’s still inside of you!”
“I’m pretty sure it’s not. I just watch a lesbian video on the internet today, and well…”
Gandolf knocked me on the head again.
“Please don’t do that!” I said holding his cane.
“Then listen!” Gandolf’s eyes got really beaded. “I will call forth, from your body, the very sperm that beat all other sperms…to give you life!”
“Why would I want that?” I said as I popped a breath mint into Gandolf’s mouth.
“To see if you are deserving of this life!” Gandolf replies and then stuck the head of his cane into my crotch. I could feel him pushing it against Lefty forcefully. Suddenly a bright white light shot from my pants and then…nothing.
“Well, now that you have felt me up with the skull of Freddy Mercury, that was really anti-climatic! I don’t see anything.”
“Shhh,” Gandolf the Wired whispered. “Remember sperms are small. He dangles right here in front of your face.”
“Wait..what? Are you saying there is sperm dangling in front of my face? This is like a bad dream I had once when I just hit puberty!” I shudder.
“Can you stop with the wise cracks for just a second,” Gandolf says to me rather pissed. “Oh, mighty, powerful, little creator of life…please tell us your secrets of this man’s exsistance.”
The tinest of muppet voices filled the air around us.
“Let me tell you of a journey,” the tiny Sperm voice began. “I swam the great swim with a million of my brothers and sisters. We swam together up the great dark, wet Tube of Life. A swim that we dreamed about as we lay in the Great Wrinkled Sack of Itchiness. The moment we were shot from the great Cone of Hardness, I decided I wanted to be THE ONE. My sperm friend, Christina, also wanted to be THE ONE…and I knew she would be my only competition. We raced through the dark leaving the other sperms far behind. It was just her and I…racing to be THE ONE. Christina was very confident and chit chatty as we raced, talking about how happy she was that we didn’t end up in the Tissue, like so many that had gone before us. I was in full concentration on becoming THE ONE. We finally reached the glorious OVAL of OVULATION. Christina and I stopped, the other brothers and sisters far behind, to look upon this magnifiant sight together. Our life’s destiny was about to be complete. But it could only be one of us. It could only be one life giver. I looked at Christina, and she looked at me, realizing the same thing. Christina smiled. I swam next to her and rubbed her head gently, then I ate her. Then I swam full force into the OVAL of OVUATION! I won! I brought life to you. I am what my people call a LIFE GIVER.”
I stood in shock and awe over the story from the tiny LIFE GIVER. The Sperm Wizard looked bored and asked,
“And what do you think of this life you have given, oh tiny Great One?”
Suddenly the air became really still and silent. I thought I heard the tiny Sperm sigh and take a deep breath and then say,
“I should have let Christina win.”
I nod my head in disbelief. I look at the Sperm Wizard.
“Where is my little Sperm friend approximately?” I ask.
The Sperm Wizard lifts a shaky hand and points to the air near my nose.
I raise my hands and clap them together in front of my nose. Then for extra measure I rub them together hard.
A tiny little ‘Ouch’ is heard.
The Sperm Wizard looks at me and shakes his head. He turns to go, but pauses and looks back at me,
“He is right. He should have let Christina win…”
And the Sperm Wizard disappears into the sunset.
UPDATE: Last night, May 20th, the body of Nichole Kristine Cable was found just miles from her home. Continue to keep Nichole and her family in your hearts, pray even if you've never prayed before. The perpetrator is still out there somewhere. As more information becomes available, I will update you all accordingly.
Thank you so much for your support.
I don't know about these iPod's and stuff. What the hell ever happened to sitting in the car hour after hour as a kid and looking out the window? Now the kids are all hooked into their stupid devices where they squint (maybe that's just me) at a screen hour after hour while the scenery goes by.
Listen, I totally get the drown out the parents thing.
I just happen to glance at my twitter count…
…which was strange, because I never do…
I don’t care about my Twitter count, it was just a random glance, I swear.
Anyway, it was at 5,999.
Cool!
For some reason, I thought I should craft my 6,000th tweet as something really special, really powerful, really funny. A tweet to blow away all other tweets…and that’s hard to do. There are a lot of talented people on Twitter.
(Now, to be honest on the Twitter count, they are not all handcrafted gems of comedy. Some of them are links from other social sites like GetGlue, Instagram, and Soundtracking. Those are throw away tweets. So if I was to eliminate all the throw away tweets, my number would be more around the 67 mark.)
Normally I just tweet whatever random thought enters my head, but for my 6,000th, I was going to contemplate something genius for awhile.
For those who don’t Twitter, and those that do, the 6,000th tweet doesn’t mean anything. There are no awards or celebrations, nobody knocking on my door with balloons and a big check…it’s just something to celebrate personally…like flipping the odometer on your car from 999,999 to 1,000,000…which of course promptly puts the car in the shop.
Cut to 7 hours later when I forgot that I was going to hand craft the bestest, funniest, tweet in the world to celebrate 6,000, and instead tweet this:
What the hell is that?!
OK. I see the look on your face…Let me break down the thought process here for a second. I actually don’t think this will help. It will probably make it worse.
Here in Orlando we have a theme park called Universal Studios. The new big thing coming this summer is Transformers 3D – The Ride.
This is a promotion for the new ride. It’s a transformer that “walked” through a building in downtown Orlando. If you look closely, there are crushed cars in front of the building. Super cool, right?
So now I’m thinking about Transformers and the fact that one of the Transformers was a cassette tape…a now obsolete item. It would suck being an obsolete item as a Transformer. If I was a Transformer, I would definitely request to be an item that stayed current for a long time. That would eliminate a lot of the Transformers that turned into cars, trucks, and motorcycles as well.
“I can transform into a 1986 AMC Concord!”
“I don’t even think that car company is around anymore!”
“Oh, crap!”
(That was a little thought process play from inside my head.)
There is one mechanical device that stands the test of time. It has design changes, but the basic model is still used and popular, even today.
The Vibrator. I could be a transforming vibrator! (Need to be real careful about when I would transform…Ouch, ladies!)
I don’t want to be a transforming pink vibrator…maybe baby blue…
Sorry, getting off track, back to the Tweet. Now I have the begining of the Tweet:
Transformers – Vibrator…More than meets (?)
In case you are unfamiliar, the catch phrase of Transformers is; ‘More Than Meets The Eye’.
What could replace ‘eye’ that relates to a vibrator and would be funny?
Thigh? (No, you don’t vibrate your thigh…hello!)
Stye (Huh? Eye problems and vibrators? Nope.)
Bye?
High?
Die?
Bill Nye?
In my head I’m chanting: Eye, Eye, Eye, Vibrators, Eye, Eye, Brown Eye, Eye…Brown Eye!…Snicker, Snicker….
Wait a minute…
With a tiny change…
And there it was…my tweet…my 6000th tweet…
Oh crap!
I just made my 6000th, oh-so-special-tweet about transforming butt plugs.
*Hangs head*
So I followed that tweet up with this tweet:
Oh well….
(I’m serious though…what’s with all the cat pictures out there all of the sudden?)
I’m a clumsy person. People think this is something I need to fix and that some day falling down a flight of stairs backwards* is going to get me into serious trouble. I don’t really agree with them. I mean sure, there are better things to be proud of then falling down a flight of stairs backwards (but really, it was like being on a rollercoaster, but better!).
It's reblog Thursday once again, and it's May. Which means you poor Northerners should be warmng up sometme soon, right? Except you people in Antarctica. No smellng of May flowers for you...just the thoughts of being eaten by polar bears. That is actually not a random thought like it seems it is, but rather foreshadowing to Monday's post.
So there!
