Tag Archives: santa claus

Dear Santa

24 Dec

Dear Santa,

It’s Christmas time once again, the streets are trimmed with tinsel and lights, the children are laughing and making their lists. Grandma and Grandpa are making their home made hot chocolate in both kid friendly and “Grandpa’s Snoring Medicine” versions. The babies are discovering for the first time the joys of Rankin and Bass Christmas specials while candy canes poke from their mouths. Their sticky fingers leaving prints on the glass table. Aunts and Uncles are preparing wonderful festive side dishes to bring to the big family feast. In the meantime the most succulent turkey is filling the kitchen with smells of tradition, and Christmas past, and hope of the coming year. Mom is wearing her Christmas apron which is dusted from flour of a thousand cookies that are cooling by the sink. She laughs at the mess of bowls with left over cookie dough stuck to the side, and licked clean spatulas, whisks, and measuring cups scattered to and fro. The sounds of holiday music fill the air, both timeless and familiar, where everyone knows the words to every song.

christmastree

I sit in my favorite chair with my favorite pipe, and hand stroking my chin, looking at the joyous abundance of family and friends. I reflect on this Christmas and Christmas of past, and come to this very profound and very true realization:

Santa…

You’re a dick!

I mean who do you think you are?! I worked and sweated and paid for all of this shit…and YOU get the credit?! What the hell?? Seriously! You have done jack shit except hock Cola products and wave in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with your glued on beard half falling off. In the meantime I have stressed and slaved to bring everyone, everything their little greedy hearts desired, despite the fact that December’s bills don’t go away. Why do I have to do this? Because you, my mythical non-existing friend, with your tales of god damn Christmas miracles have deemed it. Yet you don’t contribute one red cent to this incredible unrealistic pipe dream you have bestowed upon my children! Thanks fat man for that! Now I’m spending my lunch breaks eating only carrot sticks in order to be able to afford that $400 bike Little Timmy has always wanted because he “believes in you”!

snowman

My favorite is come Christmas morning, after 3 months of scraping and planning, which only lasts for about 10 minutes by the way, is how everyone thanks YOU!

Thank you Santa.

YOU. DID. NOTHING!

I did EVERYTHING!

I understand I gave you the credit since the beginning of my children’s verbal understanding of all things, but that is kind of been forced on me by society. It’s really a vicious cycle that has been going on for god knows how long…

christmasbells

Santa you’re a dick!

I could rant on and on, but instead I composed this song.

It’s called: Santa You’re A Dick

(Sung in the key of G*)

Santa, You’re A Dick
You get all the credit
You prick
I spend the moneys
You get the honeys
And your red suit
Makes me sick
 
Chorus:
Santa, Santa, You’re A Dick
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick
Dicky, Dicky, Dick, Dick, Dick
Because Santa
You’re A Dick!
 
The Bridge:
I slave and I save
And my children don’t appreciate it
They don’t understand my sacrifice
All they know come Christmas morn
Is all the presents wrapped up nice
 
Chorus:
Santa, Santa, You’re A Dick
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick
Dicky, Dicky, Dick, Dick, Dick
Because Santa
You’re A Dick!
 
(guitar solo)
(drum solo)
(bullroarer solo)
 
Your story makes no sense
With reindeer, trees, and ribbons
And a Jewish dentist 
Which I don’t get in my defense
So shove off dear Santa
Don’t shed a tear
I’m taking the credit
This year
 
Chorus:
Santa, Santa, You’re A Dick
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick
Dicky, Dicky, Dick, Dick, Dick
Because Santa
You’re A Dick!**
 
This will be performed by Willie Nelson and the ghost of Michael Jackson and released on Bitter Records. 

christmaswreath

 
*I’m not musically inclined. I really don’t know what that means.
**Not really mad at Santa, it’s just for comedy purposes. Please don’t bring me coal Santa! I’ve been good. I have!

Reblog Thursday Pt 22

20 Dec

It’s the last reblog Thursday ever…mostly because the end of the world is tomorrow…otherwise I would keep doing them. Maybe I’ll keep doing them anyway, even if there is no such thing as computers anymore. I’ll just chisel them out on a cave wall until one day I get really tired and bored of doing them…kind of like the Mayan’s did with their calendar.

“Hey, Mayan Bob…do you want a beer?”

“Sure Mayan Tim. I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.”

Oh well…

Enjoy this little Christmas exchange where Santa takes no crap. This is brought to you by:  Jill of All Trades, Expert of None.

Jill of All Trades...Expert of None!

I received this in an email today (so I can’t take credit for any of this) and COULD. NOT. STOP. LAUGHING.  It may be because I deal with contracts every single day of my existence, but either way, the humor and possible reality of this email is hilarious.  In fact, it’s so funny it’s almost sad.  There’s a hint of today’s youth involved, so if this is where we are headed…well, I’ll let you read it and decide.

Either way though, I say GO SANTA, GO SANTA, WITH YOUR BAD SELF, GO SANTA!!

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

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