Tag Archives: review

My Simplistic Review of Sharknado

14 Jul

Take a tornado…

Add sharks…

Inside of the tornado mind you…

And you have Sharknado!

It’s another one of Syfy channels, Oh-So-Bad-They-Have-To-Be-Watched movies following in the footsteps of such great classics:

Chupacabra Vs. The Almo
Flying Monkeys
12 Disasters of Christmas
Aladdin And The Death Lamp
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Mega Python Vs Gatoroid

Those are 100%  honest to goodness real movies.

To start the movie off, after surfing for a millisecond Ian Ziering, of 90120 fame, has to warn people that the waters have become shark infested. No one listens, of course as the camera pans back and forth across a nice bikini clad bottom.  Then a shark bites his buddy on a jet ski, followed by a huge rain storm. During the storm the sharks are picked up out of the water and deposited into a nearby restaurant on the pier.

Some creative shark kills during the shark filled restaurant scene:

Pool stick through a shark’s head.
Bar stool to shark’s jaw.
Randomly stored explosive canister jammed into shark’s mouth and blown up.
Broken shark filled Ferris Wheel rolls off the hinges, chases everyone down the boardwalk, and finally crashes into a hotel.

Now it’s storming even harder and the coastal town is flooding. As the waters rise the streets become populated with all types of sharks.

Hammerhead Sharks…
Great White Sharks…
Mortgage Lenders…

Ian warns some stranded motorists of the shark filled streets, but nobody is listening to him today. They all get chomped into pieces by the never satisfied fishes. I think they were waiting on Luke Perry for confirmation. One of my favorite special effects is when they needed to drive through some waves to escape to higher ground and I swear they filmed someone flicking a hot wheel with their finger to achieve this dramatic shot.

I won’t give away the whole movie but here are some key moments to look forward to when you watch it with your loved ones:

Sharks being blown out of street manholes
Tara Reid’s bad acting
Trying to pull a guy from a Shark’s mouth by his feet
Sharks swimming in a living room
Shark period jokes
Completely flooded shark filled house…except the driveway where the escape car is sitting 
Ian stopping the car a lot to try to save random strangers and most of them not listening
Shark eating through the roof of a moving car
Random decapitated Shark heads in the street
An Australian with no Australian accent whats-so-ever, except he does say, “Mate” every time he opens his mouth
MacGuyver wheelbarrow weapons
Flying a helicopter through a Sharknado
Electrified Sharks 
Blowing up the Senior Citizen’s Shark infested pool
Sharks attacking a helicopter while in the air
Shark crashing through a billboard
Ian saying, “The waters are rising!” a lot
Chainsawing yourself out of a Shark while rescuing a girl from inside it’s belly* 
I give this movie a rating of 2988 of 3000 shark teeth.
*Greatest scene ever!

My Simplistic Review Of Boardwalk Empire (Season 3 Only)

12 Oct

*Warning: Spoiler Alert*

My Simplistic Review Of Boardwalk Empire (Season 3 Only):

It sucks.

The End.

Oh, ok.

Boardwalk Empire (Season 3 only) is chalk full of dialogue. If you like to listen to a lot of people talking about things you don’t understand or even have the vague notion of what is going on..or if you like rewinding a scene six times over so that you can try to figure out who that character is and if you have seen them before, then Boardwalk Empire is the show for you.

Seriously, why do they dress everyone the same?

The End.

Boardwalk Empire used to be a great show about the Prohibition Era starring Steve Buscemi and a bunch of unknown people…except for one guy who I saw play a creepy dude that killed a family in a movie once. At the end of Season 2, they killed that guy, whose name was Jimmy in the show, thus setting up the suckitude that has become Season 3. I recommend watching Seasons 1 and 2, and then pretending that the show got cancelled. I would even recommend walking around and telling your friends that you “can’t believe they cancelled Boardwalk Empire, it was so good!” And how you wish they renewed it for a third season. When your friends tell you there is a third season, scream: Noooooo! and start pulling on your hair like it’s on fire and run out of the room.

You bastards pay me nothing. I do this shit for free.

My Simplistic Review Of Boardwalk Empire (Season 3 Only):

It sucks.

The End.

Some “revealing” swimsuits from the show.

My Simplistic Review Of Music

29 Mar

Over the last year, or maybe a little over a year, some of my favorite bands from my youth have released albums. Here is my very simplistic review of each:

Band: They Might Be Giants
Album: Album Raises New And Troubling Questions
Review: Eh
Best Track: Marty Beller Mask
Get This Album Instead: Flood or Apollo 18
Band: Ministry
Album: Relaspe
Review: Err
Best Track: Don’t know. Couldn’t get through the whole album.
Get This Album Instead: Psalm 69
Band: Primus
Album: Green Naugahyde
Review: Wha?
Best Track: Every song sounds the same (That’s not a song title…every song really does sounds the same!)
Get This Album Instead: Sailing The Seas Of Cheese or Pork Soda
Band: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Album: I’m With You (This One Got It’s Own Simplistic Review. You can read it here.)
Review: Where’s Flea?
Best Track: The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie
Get This Album Instead: Mother’s Milk
Band: Matthew Sweet
Album: Under The Covers Vol. 2 (with Susanna Hoffs)
Review: Zzzzzz
Best Track: Maggie May
Get This Album Instead: Girlfriend
Band: Peter Gabriel
Album: Scratch My Back
Review: Double Zzzzzzz
Best Track: The Book Of Love
Get This Album Instead: Any other album…that’s not the name of an album, just pick up any other album by Peter Gabriel.
Band: R.E.M
Album: Collapse Into Now
Review: *This album was so bad, it caused them to break up. (*Just a guess)
Best Track: UBerlin
Get This Album Instead: Fables of the Reconstruction or Murmur

I don’t if it’s me that has changed, or the bands, or the times…maybe it’s the record companies telling them they should put out another album…in any event…very disappointing.