Happy Halloween 2013

For those unfamiliar, this is a pumpkin with Walter White’s face carved into it. Walter White is from the TV show Breaking Bad, the greatest TV show ever mind you.

No matter what I did to that graphic above it either came out blurry, or came out too small to read. Thanks for nothing WordPress.

What it says is:

Me:

I can’t even cut a good triangle eye socket.

Amy:

I like to use the patterns so ppl think I’m artistic. Tricks on them ! (Emoticon with tongue sticking out)

Me:

I tried to use patterns, but they get all bunched up on the pumpkin…then my pattern of a werewolf looks like a messed up triangle eye socket.

Happy Halloween

or

Happy The Pattern Looks Easier In The Book Then It Is To Perform On The Pumpkin

or

Happy I Hope I Don’t Run Out Of Candy Before Those Damn Teenagers Who Decided At 10 O’clock At Night To Go Trick Or Treating With Their Pillow Case And Besides Aren’t They Too Old To Go Trick Or Treating Anyway?

or

Happy Turn Off All Your Lights And Make No Noise Because Your Too Cheap Or Lazy To Buy/Give Out Candy

or

Happy Go Downtown And Stare At All The Ladies’ Butts That Are Hanging Out Of The Bottom Of Their Bumble Bee Costumes

or

Happy Go Through Your Kids’ Candy And Stick The Bit O’ Honey Back Into The Candy Bowl To Give To Other Trick Or Treaters

Halloween Wishes 2011

(Editor’s Note: Read this in a Steve Martin pompous voice)

As another Halloween comes upon us, and all the children of all the countries that choose or are allowed to participate descend upon our neighborhoods, malls, and popular watering holes, I would just like to wish you and yours and very happy and safe Halloween.

I, myself, and I, look forward to greeting all the little princesses and princes (future gay dancers…I live in Orlando after all) that come knocking on my door this year by passing out copies of 1985’s The Breakfast Club. A movie that defined my generation and religiously changed a lot of people who were looking for something to defined and change them religiously  anyway. Hopefully they will get as much enjoyment, trivia, and movie quoting possibles as I have had to endure over the last twenty years.

I also look forward to seeing my favorite costume, one that appears year after year, Teenager With A Pillow Case. To those brave teenagers daring enough to go out in whatever they had worn to school that day, grabbing the nearest pillow case to hold their bountiful loot, I will be giving out TGI Friday’s applications and Two-For-One coupons for Hungry Man Entree Frozen Dinners.

Hurry, they expire November 10th.

To the drunk parents walking with their children, I will bestow upon you another beer. Bravo for participating, or condolences for drawing the short straw.

To the parents driving the mini van and just dropping your brood off in my neighborhood, then picking them up an hour later after they have raped and pillaged my candy bowl, I will be calling the police…and saying you ran over my begonias with your van…and I think you were snatching children off the street.

Don’t be so lazy!

Remember Halloween is a time to enjoy the creativity of being someone else and then begging for free candy from strangers, trading the nasty pieces to your younger sibling, and eating them until you slip into a sugar coma.

Also remember, ladies, Halloween is that one time of year you can dress like a slut and get away with it.

Happy Halloween!

Christopher De Voss