Tag Archives: play

Emptying The Drafts Folder

27 May

I know it’s hard to believe that some ideas on this blog stay in the drafts folder.

It may look like I hit publish on everything I write regardless of:

content
quality
comedic value
or grammatical errors…

…but truth be told, I do reject some ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Not all ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere, mind you…just some.

So, for your viewing pleasure, here are some of the posts that never made it to the light of the internet:

Obviously written around Christmas time. The Batman part came easy due to the parody song…but then…no other Super Heroes have Christmas parody songs! What’s up with that? Who decided that only Batman was going to get a Christmas parody song and no one else?! What about Spider-man? Doesn’t he deserve a Christmas parody song? I think he does…mostly becaise I could have finished more of this post if he did:

In Line At A Target With Super Heroes And Villains, After Christmas

Hello! This is Bob Mathewson from Channel 28 News. Today we are at the local Target where the Super Heroes and Super Villains of the world are in line to return some their Christmas presents.

So let’s work our way through the line and see if we can get any of them to show us what they are returning and why.

First I see Batman and it’s quite obvious what he is returning. Batman has a whole shopping cart filled with deodorants, in all shapes, sizes, and brands. Batman do you care to comment on why you’re returning all of these deodorants?

Batman: Frankly, yes! Yes I would! It’s just a parody song, people! Just a stupid take on Jingle Bells! I don’t smell! You don’t think with all of the super cool gadgets that Morgan Freeman invented for me, that he didn’t think of a built in roll on deodorant for the bat suit? Come on, people! Use your heads! Every freaking year! It’s not funny anymore!

Mathewson: I see where that would get old, yes. I see your young ward, Robin is behind you pushing a shopping cart filled with throat lozenges…

Batman: Also not funny. I need to disguise my voice people! You don’t need to know who I am! And if you are going to send me throat lozenges…ha ha…not! I don’t like cherry!

Mathewson: Fair enough. Moving on. Oh look, it’s Spider-Man. Spider-Man, what are you returning today?

Spider-Man:

—–

This one had potential to keep going, but I think the joke would have gotten old way before the post wrapped up. Plus with the last business listed, it was going places it probably should not be going:

Bad Business Combinations

Strip Club/Karaoke Bar

Tax Preperation Service/Funeral Home

Fish Market/Gynecologist

—–

This is a prime example of the premise being way funnier then any execution. I think this would have been one long post of puns that very quickly would have become predictable:

Trying To Get Directions On The Worst Named Streets Ever

“Um, excuse me…do you know how to get to Boner Lane?”

“It’s pronounced Booner Lane.”

—–

This one was funnier in my head. You know the Christmas song, ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’? I pictured a bunch of Angels running around singing the word, Hark! Only the word, Hark! Picture it. It’s funny, but it does not translate to paper:

Hark!

…the herald angels sing …

Hark!

Hark!

—–

This is truth written right here. I didn’t finish this post because I didn’t want to sound like a gigantic bah-humbug. I just think we can do better in this celebration song:

The Most Uncomfortable Song In The World

I now submit to you, the most uncomfortable song in the world, unless you are under the age of eight:

Happy Birthday

I think as a nation, we need a new Birthday song. No one truly likes this song. The next time you sing this song to a stranger or loved one, look at their face.

Are they enjoying it?

No, their face is all scrunched up, in a fake, tight-lipped, forced smile, pretending to enjoy this pre-blow-out-the-candles-and-finally-eat-some-damn-cake tradition.

And the song itself so repetitive. Who wrote this thing?

“OK, OK, so far all I got is: Happy Birthday to you…what should be the next line? Wait I got it, I’ll just keep repeating that, and then say the person’s name to help break it up…and then…crap, just say Happy Birthday again in case they forgot what we were singing about.”

“What if you don’t know there name?”

“Ummm, I don’t know. Just uncomfortably mumble something I guess.”

—–

Another combination post. I didn’t finish it because in order to get the jokes, you have to know who the Super Heroes are, and I got too lazy to explain and google images:

Bad Super Hero Team Ups

Superman and Good Luck Bear

Edward Scissorhands and Bubble Boy

Magneto and Iron Man

—–

This…I admit…is just a big, unfunny, mess. Enjoy!

The Emoticons Put On A Play

Scene I Act I

🙂      :o)      :c)

Scene I Act II

😀      😀     😦

Scene I Act III

:@      >:O     :-O

Scene II Act I

>;)

Scene II Act II

}:)     o/\o

Scene II Act III

|;-)     😥     :-###..

Scene III Act I

:’-(      😥     :’-)     :’)

Scene III Act II

<:-|

The End

The Nutcracker – From A Guys Point Of View

12 Dec

The Nutcracker – From A Guys Point Of View

The Nutcracker is a ballet about two and a half hours long!

The Nutcracker is a ballet about a little girl who apparently is so much more liked than her bratty brother that she gets a useless wooden doll that probably can’t crack nuts anyway. 

I never would have gone to this ballet if my daughter wasn’t in it.

Seriously, here is my simplistic overview of The Nutcracker to help guys who may have to sit through it due to a daughter or son or uncle who is performing in it.

Side note: The show maybe different slightly from one ballet company to another or…the horror…if you have to sit through a grade school performance.

First everyone comes to this Christmas party held at some rich dudes big fancy house. The father collects lots of presents but seems slightly annoyed that there is lots of presents. It must have been a bad economy in 1800’s or whenever this ballet was written, because when the maid hands him the fourth or fifth package, he is over it. The older son pops out from the pile of presents and the Dad does that finger waving thing that Dad’s did long ago showing disapproval. The finger waving thing later in history turned into spankings until some parents took that too far by disfiguring their children for life. So today we send our children to therapy sessions when they are bad.

So next the parents at the party pretend to talk to each other while the boys chase the girls with wooden swords.

A magician or a charlatan or drunk Uncle of some sort, invites himself interrupts the party with some cheap magic tricks. This being so long ago, everyone is delighted with the dollar store cane turning into plastic flowers trick, and jump up and down and exaggerate laugh-clap.

The hobo Magician then passes out some toys, but not all the kids got toys, so that seemed pretty crappy.

Then the Magician does a puppet show where a giant mouse fights a soldier. The mouse stabs the soldier pretty bad, but the soldier survives to stab the mouse in the same way. The mouse dies because mice are wimps when they get stabbed.

For some reason, the Magician gives the little girl a Nutcracker doll like you see at Walmart or Target for about $10 to $15. She is super thrilled with the gift because back then $10 was a lot of money. All the other children dance/chase her around trying to crack nuts with the doll trying to look at the doll, until her big brother gets the doll and breaks it. The little girl is sad because now she has to crack her walnuts with a hammer, but the Magician fixes it.

The kids run off the stage and the adults do one of those old time renaissance type of dances where you lightly hold the fingers of your woman and stand as far away as possible while box stepping and nodding to other women. Then they get their drink on.

Finally all the kids and adults stand in front of the Christmas tree and sway there arms over the head for a couple of seconds. (It would have been better if they sang that Who song from the end of How The Grinch Stole Christmas….Welcome Christmas, Welcome Christmas, / Come this way! Come this way! / Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze! / Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze! / )

Everyone leaves and the girl falls asleep. A lot of mice suddenly appear. It’s apparent that these people need a good exterminator. The Magician however has creepily been hanging around long after his invite, and good thing too, because he chases the mice away by giving them a bad vibe about his intentions and a plug to his next gig.

The girl and the Magician dance about their victory, but the girl must have poor iron levels because she fallls asleep again.

The Magician did a bad job of chasing away the mice because they appear again, and they are bigger this time. Some soldiers break into the house and fight the mice off. Even though their is cannon fire and sword fighting, the parents never seem to wake up and run downstairs to see what all the commotion was about. I wouldn’t let my children sleep downstairs if I had such the rat problem personally. The giant rat king and the Nutcracker fight until the Nutcracker wins. My guess is he won by squeezing his head in his nut cracking mouth, all though he would need some help pulling the lever in his back. Then the Nutcracker disappears and some dude in male anatomy enhancing tights appears in his place. The girl is glad to see him probably because she is on the verge of puberty and has questions about her body. This guy might be able to help since he isn’t afraid to dance around with the twigs and berries practically exploding from his pants. Instead some people dressed as snow flakes dance around for a little bit and the curtain falls.

Seems like the end of the story, but no, only intermission.

Act 2 starts with some fairies dancing around for a little while. Then suddenly some Arabian dancers start dancing with a giant purple parachute. I didn’t even know they had parachutes back then! That dance was pretty cool. Then some clearly Russian looking dudes, dressed in Chinese costumes danced a Chinese looking dance. One of the guys had to point his two index fingers in the air the whole dance. I’m not sure if he was warning us of something overhead that may look like it was falling, but the guy had to point up no matter what the rest of his body was doing. Then in a confusing twist, some Chinese guys dressed as Russian dancers came out and did that impressive squat-kick-swing the leg-jump and clap thing that is stereo typical of what you expected from Russian dancers. I think this part was directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Then I fell asleep.

I was awaken by people clapping, cheering, and standing on their feet.

So I did the same.

Fin!