Tag Archives: nursery rhymes

Gepetto, Horner, and Muffit (My New Sponsors)

17 Jun

Are you a Nursery Rhyme?

Are you tired of being bullied..harassed…or even repeated a hundred times by sing-songy snot nosed children or otherwise?

Then call the Law Offices of:

Gepetto, Horner, and Muffit

Are you a cat with a fiddle? Are you continuously being called hurtful names like: “Hey! Diddle! Diddle!”

Then get the  Law Offices of Gepetto, Horner, and Muffit to fight for you!

“Sue the pants off of them like they were Winnie the Pooh!”

We  specialize in Bovine Workers Union Issues as well! How many times will you be forced to jump over the moon for less than minimum wage? Not any more!

“We don’t get paid, unless you do! (And we except chocolate coins as payment!)

Are dogs laughing at you? Are your silverware stealing your dishes?

“We got Georgie Porgie off from numerous sexual battery charges!”

Call today. We have many lawyers to handle all types of cases! Some of them made out of gingerbread!

“It doesn’t matter if your peas porridge is hot, cold, or nine days old, we will fight for you!”

Read these testimonials!

“Gepetto, Horner, and Muffit got that stupid Old King Cole to finally pay us!” ~One of the Fiddler’s Three

“They handled my divorce from my 400 pound wife quickly and it didn’t cost but 2000 chocolate coins!” ~ Jack Sprat

“G, H, & M helped us quiet the neighborhood!” ~ Little Boy Blue’s neighbor

“They put my sick, sick, husband with his sick, sick gourd fetish behind bars! Where he belongs!” ~ Wife of Peter Pumpkin Eater

“I finally got paid thanks to Gepetto, Horner, and Muffit. Simple Simon can kiss my blueberry bum!” ~ The Pieman

“They help me get government assistance. Now I live in a steel toed work boot. So much better!” ~ Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe

“They helped me change my name legally. Now my credit can be repaired!” ~ Al Kayda formerly known as John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

“I’ll never have to work again after being trapped on that bridge when it collapsed. Gepetto, Horner, and Muffit got the city to give me compensation to last me for the rest of my life!” ~ My Fair Lady

“Call Us Today! 1-800-PAT-CAKE”

Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes

23 Nov

Some updated nursery and/or sing-songy rhymes for the kiddies instead of the old Hey Diddle Diddle and the Hickory Dickory Dock of yesteryear…

Peanut Butter Peanut Butter
Pie Pie Pie
Peanut Butter Peanut Butter
Pie Pie Pie
Strawberry Shortcake
Kick Them In The Eye
Eye Eye Eye
Pat Them Down, Pat Them Down
Like The Airport Security Guy
Guy Guy Guy
Don’t Tip The Waiter
And You’ll Make Him Cry
Cry Cry Cry
Peanut Butter Peanut Butter
Pie Pie Pie
If I Had A Nickel
For Every Nickel I Had
Then I Would Have Double The Nickels
And You Would Be Sad
(This one would be one of those clapping/slapping hand games that little girls do.)
Four And Twenty Lawyers
Went To A Market
 In Their BMWs
For The Firm They Mark It
Then In Order To Get Ahead
They Piled Out And Said;
“One To Chase An Ambulance;
Two To Prey On The Elderly; 
Three To Sue The Land Owner;
And Four To Count The Money;
Of All They Cheated And Bled!”
A Mouse And A Piece Of Cheese
Went On Killing Sprees
While Playing Call Of Duty
Which Made Them Both Moody
Said The Mouse To The Cheese,
“I Do What I Please!”
And Gobbled Him Up
With The Greatest Of Ease.
Then The Mouse Leveled Up
Earning New Weapons And Stuff
While The Cheese
Was Farted Out
In The Breeze
 Death Metal Baby
Sitting In A Tree
Pierced All Over
From Head To Knee
He Fell From Branch To Branch
And Now His Nose Piercing 
Looks Like Three
Some praise for Humorist Christopher De Voss’ Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes:
“I don’t get it!” – A Random Child
“Weird and unnecessary. Children all over the world are sure to hate these, except those that live in Utah.” – The Modern Rhymer Magazine
“I laughed. I cried. I really loved this movie. Then I logged onto this web site and threw up my popcorn.” – Roger Ebert
“Nothing needed improving here…Mr. De Voss is obviously delusional. A fat head if you will! I would give my left nut to see him in jail!” – A Random Homeless Man Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Read.
“I thought it was funny, different, and a tad bit clever!” – An Imaginary Dragon That Lives In My Downstairs Coat Closet And Has A Pet Chicken As A Best Friend
“C’mon! Who doesn’t like Cheesecake?!” – The Cheesecake Factory
“Why is every letter capitalized?!” – Protesters For An All Lowercase Nation