Tag Archives: magic

Things Found Around The House

7 Mar

Here are a few things found around the house that caught my eye today:

I think this proves the Toddler is not a racist...or that she might be color blind.

This is my favorite brand of cheap poptarts because in the title it tells you how to cook them, then it tells you what to expect when they are done. No surprises here.

I'm afraid to try this coffee. I have never eaten caribou before, and I am not a big venison person anyway.

Hair product or porno advert?

The toddler's bedroom. Notice all the pink girly stuff...and the scary Halloween pumpkin! (Might explain why she sometimes gets scarred in the middle of night...that's what they teach you in good parenting 101.)

The Teenage Girl sometimes hides for days in her room...never to be seen. Now I know how she survives...secret stash of Nutella.

The boy's bathroom. Very scary. Never go here! However I do notice 4 or 5 deodorants, shaving cream, 2 combs, a manicure kit...yet they are never bathed, shaved, or have combed hair...and always smell bad. Hmmm...

The fire alarms and I like to fight...usually around 3 am in the morning. This one lost.

See picture below

This is my collection of real food based on fake foods. These are from the Simpson's and True Blood TV shows.


Weird Dream About My Wife’s Gynecologist

1 Nov

 Had this dream that my wife’s Gynecologist was actually a Magician and not a Gynecologist at all.

So when the dream starts,  I am going with my wife to the Gynecologist’s office, which I would probably not do, because there is no reason for me to be there. When they call her name,  I go back with her to the little cold room, which I would probably not do, because there is no reason for me to be there.

In the room is only a table and nothing else.

She gets on the table, puts her legs in the stirrup things and a sheet magically appears and covers her. Now all you see is her feet spread apart, in the air, with a sheet covering her to the neck, in the stirrup thingys.

My point of view of the whole thing is at her head, looking down the sheet, to her stirrupy feet.

The Gynecologist comes in wearing the stereotypical top hat, black suit, white gloves,and red tie. He also has a pencil thin mustache and is holding a cane. Basically he looks like any Magician of the 1920s.

He doesn’t say a word. He holds up one gloved hand so we can see it’s empty, then reaches under the sheet and starts pulling out colored handkerchiefs that are all tied together.

My wife claps. Suddenly bright lights from overhead pop on and I realize we are on stage in front of a millions of people.

At the end of this very long string of handkerchiefs is a rose, which he hands to my wife and she smiles.

At this point I ask my wife,

“What the hell is going on?”

And she replies,

“Relax. Enjoy the show. This guy is good. It’s hard to get tickets.”

He waves his hand over the sheet dramatically, crotch level of my wife, and fifty or so colored balloons float out and disappear into the sky.

The traditional Ta-Da music plays.

The entire theater explodes with applause.

Then he reaches under the sheet again and pulls out one playing card. The Ace of Spades. He holds it up and asks me,

“Is this your card?”

The traditional Ta-Da music plays again.

The entire theater explodes with applause…again.

“I never picked a card, you idiot!” I yell. “I still don’t even know what’s going on!”

The Magician smiles. He holds up one finger and rubs his mustache.

Well, since we were on stage, with this Gynecologist/Magician doing magic tricks with my wife’s Hoo-Hoo…and it was my dream…I decided to turn the Gynecologist/Magician into a woman.

Take that! Now this dream was hot!

And just when she was about to perform her next trick…now naked of course…that’s when the toddler crawled into my bed and woke me up….


The Ginseng Sneeze

10 Aug

I am big fan of holistic medicine, but mind you I am not a nut job about it.  I don’t think that if your arm falls off, rubbing some fern leafs on it will make it grow back. I do think that most of the herbs and minerals you see in the grocery store do what they claim too, but they don’t do it quickly.

That’s the problem for most people. They want that instant relief.

The stuff works if you let it. For example :

About two years ago I got a pinched nerve in my back. I couldn’t even stand up straight. If I was able to stand, I looked like a human version of that old magic trick where they put an assistant in a segmented box, and then the magician would divide it by inserting big floppy cookie sheets looking things into it. You know the trick, the magician’s assistant would stick a hand out of the top of it, and a foot out of the bottom. Then the assistant would wiggle said appendages to show that they were real and still working. The magician would separate the box where the cookie sheets were, and the assistant would wiggle their severed body parts even harder to show that…oh my gosh…we are severed but still alive! Then the magician would put the box back together again, and the assistant was also back together again. Ta-Da!

It was a long way to go, but when I stood up, the top half of my body looked like that magic trick.

It was an even longer way to explain that after two years of taking glucosamine, my back is fixed, but it wasn’t as fast as going to a chiropractor. (Although a hell of a lot cheaper, and less scary)

So this morning I had to be at work super early. Not a shift I normally work. I am tired. I am stumbling around the house at 6 am trying not to wake anyone up but the dog, because I hate the dog. There are two pills I try to take every day; glucosamine and ginseng. The glucosamine is for my back as explained in the rather long winded explanation above, and the ginseng has a variety of benefits including natural energy. I put the ginseng tablet between my lips as I bumble through the kitchen in search of a cup with which to fill with water.

I suddenly sneezed.

I know what you think I’m going to tell you next, you think I am going to tell you it shot from my mouth, flew across the room, bounced off the fish tank, and was gulped down by the damn dog.

Wrong. My lips are strong.

Instead I covered my lips and my ginsing pill with snot.

Then I fed it to the dog and got another one.