Tag Archives: jasper

Jonathon Jasper Johns Calls Me Out

12 Sep

For those of you not in the know, Jonathon “Jasper” Johns is a neighbor of mine. He usually likes to come knock on my door and tell me that I am the worst zombie writer. Ever.

He took over for me for a week once, and he hasn’t really given me a hard time since.

I won’t bore you with links, but if you are really interested, just do a search on this site. He comes up quite often.

Well, I haven’t written a zombie story in awhile, so I was really surprised to see  Jonathon and his lovely bride, Baylee Ann a former 1959-1963 Playboy Bunny at the Playboy Club in Chicago heading to my front door.

I opened the door before he could knock.

Me: Hello, Jonathon. Hello Baylee Ann. I haven’t written a zombie story recently. So I can’t imagine why you are here.

Baylee Ann: Hi Chris!

Me: Hi, Baylee Ann.

Jonathon: (holds up a tablet computer) Do you know what this is?!

Me: It looks like a tablet.

Baylee Ann: Hi Chris!

Me: Hi, Baylee Ann…again.

Jonathon: It’s a Samsung Galaxy Universe X90-P64 squared, the best, most fastest, most expensive Android on the market to date. Do you know what is on the screen, currently right here! (Points to screen)

Me: Looks like Redtube.com. Ummm…lesbian section.

Jonathon: (Turns red. Looks at tablet.) Oh! (Does some finger swiping motions on the tablet’s screen.)

Baylee Ann: Chris? Do you like cookies?

Me: Um, yes Baylee Ann. I like cookies. Why?

Baylee Ann: (Reaches into her shirt and under her bra, and pulls out a somewhat crumbled chocolate chip cookie) Because I brought you a cookie.

(She hands it to me. It’s body heat warm and I think I notice a hair on it.)

Me: Thanks, Baylee Ann. I’ll save this for later.

Jonathon: (Holds up the tablet again.) What’s that?!

Me: That is my blog from Monday. It’s about a Genie that can’t grant wishes.

Jonathon: That is your blog from Monday. It’s about a Genie that can’t grant wishes. (He takes the tablet and starts swiping at the screen again.) And now what’s this?!

Me: That is a blog post from last year…about a Genie. Huh. Interesting.

Jonathon: You want to know what’s really interesting?

Baylee Ann: I made that cookie myself.

Me: That’s very nice Baylee Ann. Thank you for the boob cookie. Did you give the rest of the batch away too, or did you eat them yourself?

Baylee Ann: I only made one cookie.

Me: Oh….what?

Jonathon: Funny thing is, Chris, the Genie in the story from Monday can only grant one wish due to good old U.S. of A, god-given right to Union policies. The Genie from your post a year ago…also Union represented, which by the way Unions built this country, can only grant one wish.

Me: Your right Jonathon. Very similar. Immigrants built this country by the way, not Unions.

Jonathon: Oh it’s more than similar! One wish! Union Genie! Stupid, stupid ending!

Me: Jonathon, I can not argue. It seems as if I have repeated myself.

Jonathon: What? No argument? No back-peddling? No trying to justify it?

Me: Nope. I just think maybe I have improved a little in my thought process. I think the second version is better laid out, better written…more elements to enhance the piece. I guess subconsciously I needed to rewrite it. I didn’t realize I did. But I did. And it’s published and out there…and there it is.

Baylee Ann: If you find a band aid in the cookie. It’s mine.

Me: Ok, Baylee Ann. Wait…what?

Jonathon: Chris, you know your blog sucks right.

Me: Yes, yes. But let me ask you this…if you hate my blog so much, how did you know I wrote a similar story, to something I wrote so long ago, when I had no audience what’s so ever.

Jonathon: Ummm…I was…um, Baylee Ann was looking for….um (coughs). Got to go, Storage Wars is on. Come on, Baylee Ann!

Me: Wait! One second. Got something for you. (I reach to retrieve it from the end table.)

Jonathon: (Looks at me…looks at the paper frog) This was for real?

Me: Yes. Now go.

Jonathon: (Slowly and carefully picks up the frog, tucks it gently into his shirt pocket, and leaves with Baylee Ann who is waving at me behind him)

Epilogue:

I can teach you how to make a paper frog for just one American dollar.

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Vs. Zombie On The Ferris Wheel

23 Apr

If you are unfamiliar with Jonathon “Jasper” Johns, he is a neighbor of mine, a zombie fanatic, and hates my blog. He lets me know that he hates my blog quite frequently.

You can catch some of his comments here:

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Simplistic Review Of Zombie Swag

Johnathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Writes

Interview With Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Well Jonathon hasn’t made an appearance in a while…until this Saturday. He knocked on my door and is accompanied by his lovely wife, and former 1959-1963 Playboy Bunny at the Playboy Club in Chicago, Baylee-Ann.

Me: Jasper, Baylee-Ann, what can I do for you?

Jasper: Chris, this is my wife, Baylee-Ann.

(Note: Jasper introduces me to his wife every time I have ever come in contact with both of them together.)

Me: Yes, Jasper. I know Baylee-Ann. We have met numerous times.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Jasper: Right, right.

(Silence)

Me: So, Jasper, which story did you not like this time?

Jasper: How did you know?

Me: Call it intuition. Let me guess…all of them.

Jasper: How did you know?

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Me: Hi, Baylee-Ann.

Jasper: There is one in particular though, that really…really…I just can’t seem to wrap my noggin’ around it.

(Silence)

Me: Which one is it Jasper?

Jasper: Well…the one about the zombie and the Ferris Wheel…what’s it called? Zombie Goes Round And Round The Ferris Wheel?

Me: Something like that. (He is referring to this story: Zombie On The Ferris Wheel.) What’s wrong?

Jasper: Well, I got some questions.

Me: Go ahead.

Jasper: Ok….how did the zombie and the guy get on the Ferris Wheel?

Me: I don’t know.

Jasper: What do you mean you don’t know?

Me: I don’t know. That’s kind of the point. It gives it some mystery to the story. Your not suppose to know.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Jasper: But why would anyone put someone on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie and chain them together? It doesn’t make any sense!

Me: I don’t know. Maybe the guy owed money to someone. Maybe he borrowed money from the mob, and this is the new way the mob deals with people who don’t pay them back…instead of a horse’s head in the bed, they put you on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie!

Jasper: Horse’s head in the bed?

Me: Never mind that. Any other questions?

Jasper: Yes! Why doesn’t the man on the Ferris Wheel have a name?

Me: I don’t know. Doesn’t seem like he really needs a name. It’s just a short story.

Jasper: He needs a name. I’ve been thinking of names. I want you to name him: Ricky Dale.

Me: OK. His name is Ricky Dale.

Jasper: And I want you to go back and rewrite the story with the name, Ricky Dale in it. And I want you to give me a co-author title.

Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.

Me: Hi Baylee! How many times are you going to say Hi to me?

(Baylee-Ann shrugs.)

Me: Jasper, I’m not rewriting the story. And I’m not giving you a co-author credit.

Jasper: What? Didn’t we just agree the man’s name was Ricky Dale?

Me: Yes, I guess. More so just to please you, so I can get back to my life.

Jasper: So, the guy didn’t even have a name! Now he has a name! The story wasn’t complete until I just helped you name the guy! It’s so much better now. The story sucked until I named the guy.

Me: Did you really just say that to me?

Jasper: Chris, you can’t write Zombie stories. I’ve told you this…I have Facebooked you this….I have tweeted you this…I even wrote it on the back of your car in soap. Next time you write a Zombie story, call me first..please…so it doesn’t suck so bad.

Me: Are you done?

Jasper: Am I getting my byline?

Me: No, and your wife is too old to be out in public without a bra.

Baylee-Ann: Oh, thank you, Chris.

Me: Your welcome, Baylee-Ann. Bye Jasper.

Jasper: (Angry) Come on Baylee-Ann. Let’s go home and delete our WordPress bookmark!

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Simplistic Review Of Zombie Swag

11 Jan

Recently, my neighbor and biggest critic, Jonathon “Jasper” Johns knocked on my door.

Jasper: I see you wrote another Zombie story…finally. (He is referring to: That Zombie Swag)

Me: Uh…yes?

Jasper: It sucked.

Me: Ok, big surprise coming from you. What was wrong with it?

Jasper: I don’t understand what Zombies have to do with carpet from the ’70s.

Me: Carpet…from the 70s? You lost me.

Jasper: That Zombie Shag. Makes no sense. Why don’t you stick to posting funny pictures.

Me: Oh. It’s not Shag, it’s swag. It’s like saying you have style.

Jasper: Thank you.

Me: No, that’s what swag means. What didn’t you like about the story?

Jasper: No one dies. No one has names. No Zombies die. Hey, why don’t you write a story where you are the main character and you die.

Me: Then how will I post funny pictures?

Jasper: Oh, well maybe you can just turn into a Zombie and then I kill you.

Me: That still stops me from posting funny pictures.

Jasper: Well, I can’t think of everything. You got any beer?

Me: No.

Jasper: Ok then bye.

Me: Jasper, next time you come to the door, can you wear more then just boxer shorts.

Jasper: It’s laundry day.

Me: Of course it is…

Johnathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Writes

6 Dec

Today my biggest critic and neighbor, Jasper Johns is going to be guest writing. You can read an interview I did with Jasper here. If you recall Jasper tends to be very critical of my zombie stories. I decided to see if Jasper can do better. I told him he could write whatever he wanted, long or short, and that he had complete creative control. However, since this is my blog, I had a few criticisms of my own, but I did try to stay fair.

Here is Jasper’s story:

Chomp Chomp By Jasper Johns.

Jasper was taking a dump. A long dump. A good dump. An epic dump. Then a zombie ate him.

The end.

—————————————————————-

Me: Is that it? Really?

Jasper: Yup, pretty good, huh?

Me: Can you try a little harder?

Jasper (Gives me an evil look): Why? It’s a great zombie story. Straight, to the point, and no funny business like you like to throw in!

Me: It just needs a little more something….

—————————————————————-

Chomp Chomp By Jasper Johns.

Jasper was taking a dump. A long dump.

  • A good dump.

An epic dump. Then a zombie ate him.

The end.

—————————————————————-

Me: You really didn’t change anything. You just played with the font tools.

Jasper: Fine! What do you want blood? This is probably the greatest zombie tale ever told. Hollywood will be calling me any minute.

Me: It needs a little more…pizzazz.

Jasper: Pizzazz? Isn’t that that new pizza sandwich from Pizza Hut?

Me: No. Just give it a little more punch. A little more story. Just a little.

Jasper: (mumbling) I got something I’d like to punch….

—————————————————————-

Chomp Chomp By Jasper Johns.

Jasper was taking a dump. A long dump. A good dump. An epic dump. Then a zombie burst into his stall and bit him on the head. He finished his dump and turned into a zombie.

The end.

—————————————————————-

Me: Not so easy is it?

Jasper: No!

Me: Maybe you’ll ease up on me a little?

Jasper: Oh, hell no! You suck.

Me: What don’t you give your story one more try. Make me really feel for the characters, or give them some history, maybe be a little more descriptive, or something…

Jasper: I don’t like you.

—————————————————————-

Chomp Chomp 

By Jasper Johns.

Jasper George Washington was taking a dump. A long dump. A good dump. An epic dump. Then a zombie burst into his stall outhouse and bit him on the head. The blood gushed everywhere. His eye fell out. George Washington had kids. He finished his dump and turned into a zombie.  kissed his kids and said, “Daddy’s a zombie now. I love you Jasper Jr. I love you Betty Ann Lou Sue. Then George Washington zombie ate his kids.

The end.  Fins.

—————————————————————-

Me: That’s just great….really I don’t know what to say…

Jasper: Story makes you want to cry. See. It’s easy. You suck. How much do I get paid?

Me: The same amount I get paid. Zero.

Jasper: You really suck.