Tag Archives: ho hey

The Anatomy Of My 6000th Tweet

13 May

I just happen to glance at my twitter count…

…which was strange, because I never do…

I don’t care about my Twitter count, it was just a random glance, I swear.

Anyway, it was at 5,999.

Cool!

For some reason, I thought I should craft my 6,000th tweet as something really special, really powerful, really funny. A tweet to blow away all other tweets…and that’s hard to do. There are a lot of talented people on Twitter.

(Now, to be honest on the Twitter count, they are not all handcrafted gems of comedy. Some of them are links from other social sites like GetGlue, Instagram, and Soundtracking. Those are throw away tweets. So if I was to eliminate all the throw away tweets, my number would be more around the 67 mark.)

Normally I just tweet whatever random thought enters my head, but for my 6,000th, I was going to contemplate something genius for awhile.

For those who don’t Twitter, and those that do, the 6,000th tweet doesn’t mean anything. There are no awards or celebrations, nobody knocking on my door with balloons and a big check…it’s just something to celebrate personally…like flipping the odometer on your car from 999,999 to 1,000,000…which of course promptly puts the car in the shop.

Cut to 7 hours later when I forgot that I was going to hand craft the bestest, funniest, tweet in the world to celebrate 6,000, and instead tweet this:

buttplugtweet1

What the hell is that?!

OK. I see the look on your face…Let me break down the thought process here for a second. I actually don’t think this will help. It will probably make it worse.

Here in Orlando we have a theme park called Universal Studios. The new big thing coming this summer is Transformers 3D – The Ride.

This is a promotion for the new ride. It's a transformer that "walked" through a building in downtown Orlando. If you look closely, there are crushed cars in front of the building.

This is a promotion for the new ride. It’s a transformer that “walked” through a building in downtown Orlando. If you look closely, there are crushed cars in front of the building. Super cool, right?

So now I’m thinking about Transformers and the fact that one of the Transformers was a cassette tape…a now obsolete item. It would suck being an obsolete item as a Transformer. If I was a Transformer, I would definitely request to be an item that stayed current for a long time. That would eliminate a lot of the Transformers that turned into cars, trucks, and motorcycles as well.

“I can transform into a 1986 AMC Concord!”

“I don’t even think that car company is around anymore!”

“Oh, crap!”

(That was a little thought process play from inside my head.)

There is one mechanical device that stands the test of time. It has design changes, but the basic model is still used and popular, even today.

The Vibrator. I could be a transforming vibrator! (Need to be real careful about when I would transform…Ouch, ladies!)

I don’t want to be a transforming pink vibrator…maybe baby blue…

Sorry, getting off track, back to the Tweet. Now I have the begining of the Tweet:

Transformers – Vibrator…More than meets (?)

In case you are unfamiliar, the catch phrase of Transformers is; ‘More Than Meets The Eye’.

What could replace ‘eye’ that relates to a vibrator and would be funny?

Thigh? (No, you don’t vibrate your thigh…hello!)

Stye (Huh? Eye problems and vibrators? Nope.)

Bye?

High?

Die?

Bill Nye?

In my head I’m chanting: Eye, Eye, Eye, Vibrators, Eye, Eye, Brown Eye, Eye…Brown Eye!…Snicker, Snicker….

Wait a minute…

With a tiny change…

buttplugtweet1

And there it was…my tweet…my 6000th tweet…

Oh crap!

I just made my 6000th, oh-so-special-tweet about transforming butt plugs.

*Hangs head*

So I followed that tweet up with this tweet:

buttplugtweet2Oh well….

(I’m serious though…what’s with all the cat pictures out there all of the sudden?)

The Not-So Magic Genie

10 Sep

Would you believe I found a magic lamp?

I did.

It looked like a stereotypical magic lamp…short and squat, long curly handle, and that snaky s-curve spout in the front.

So…….I rubbed it.

And rubbed it.

And spit-shined it.

And rubbed it between my legs…

Which was a bad idea, it looked like I was humping a snake that had just digested a rat…

So instead I rubbed it using my feet…

Then under the armpit…

Which seemed to do the trick because  suddenly a small puff of smoke coughed out of the spout, followed by another small puff, followed by a long billowy stream. This was followed by some small sparkler type explosions, and a disco ball type circling blinding light, and ending with an apparition of The Commodores singing, “Brick House”.

When the smoke, lights, and music cleared, a floating image appeared. It looked like a cross between the genie from Disney’s Aladdin and Elijah Wood as Frodo.

“I am the Genie of the Lamp,” he boomed just like all the Genie’s boom when they emerge from lamps. Wouldn’t it be funny if Genies lived in teapots. Then they would say, “I am the Genie of the Teapot!” Or better yet, what if we updated the whole Genie thing and they lived in USB Drives, “I am the Genie of this 40 gig USB Drive!”

Anyway, the Genie continued,

“I will grant you one wish…”

“Hey!” I interrupted. “I thought it was three! What happened to three??!”

The Genie smirked. “It’s been cut back to one. There is a lot that has changed in the Genie world. We are unionized, less wishes, less hours, better health insurance. The government came in and gave us a whole new set of rules and regulations. In some respects it sucks to you the Genie consumer, but it has been most beneficial to us, the Genie laborers.”

“Oh,” I say.

The Genie crosses his arms in typical genie style. “You should know all the yada yada, but I’m required to say it anyway…except now there is a whole slew of new rules…so I’ll just go over the basics. If something comes up foul, I’ll let you know. Sooooo….no wishing for more wishes, no bringing anyone back from the dead, and no making anyone fall in love. Got it?”

“Got it! I wish for a billion dollars!”

The Genie frowns, “Ok, I should have known that was coming. That’s…um…one of the new rules. No money. Throws countries into financial depression. All of this sudden money flooding the market with no gold to back it up kind of thing. I can’t grant you anything over 100 dollars without an IRS agent present…with an IRS agent present…no more than 2000 dollars.”

“Gee,” I scratch my head. “That’s not really going to do much. How about a new Ferrari?”

The Genie smiles. “No problem. I do need proof of insurance, import tags, and registration.”

“I wouldn’t get all that included?” I ask.

“No, you would need to wish for that.”

“I wish for that, then,” I say.

The Genie laughs and says, “You only have one wish, remember?”

“Damn you!” I say and shake my fist. “Ok, then….I wish for an elephant!”

Genie shakes his head. “Anything that requires a permit is out, such as elephants, fishing boats, buildings, entire Broadway show productions, strippers, farmer’s markets, etc.”

“People wish for farmer’s markets?” I ask.

“People wish for all sorts of things. Most of which I can’t grant anymore.”

“How about toys?” I ask.

“Copyright laws.”

“Food?”

“Health code laws.”

“Naked women?”

“City code laws.”

“What kind of wish can you grant?!” I scream.

The Genie pauses. “I can grant you one origami wish.”

“An origami wish?” I sputter. “You mean the ancient art of Japanese paper folding?”

“Yes!” The Genie says triumphantly.

“Do I need to supply the paper?” ask I.

“Yes!” The Genie says triumphantly.

I find a piece of paper and the next thing I know, after a huge cloud of smoke and quite possibly some grape Kool-Aid powder thrown in, the Genie disappears and I am left with this:

Gee, thanks!