Tag Archives: guest post

The Last Of The Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Posts

15 Jun

For Jonathon “Jasper” Johns last guest post, I let him interview me.

The Interview

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Jasper: Hello, today I’m going to interview Christopher De Voss on my blog, mostly because all the real celebrities were busy. So I settled for this Z-lister.

Chris: Um, it’s actually my blog, and thank you…I think.

Jasper: I must compliment you are your choice of guest writers, which would be me. Aren’t you happy you begged me to do it?

Chris: Actually you begged me to do it.

Jasper: How do like all the new followers?

Chris: Um, I lost 32 followers truth be told.

Jasper: And your stats went through the roof!

Chris: Well, not quite.

Jasper: Huh? I don’t think so.

Chris: Well, as of this morning my WordPress stats are down 40%, my Klout score is down to 21, and my Empire Avenue stock is -2.

Jasper: Which one of my posts do you think was the most genius?

Chris: To be honest I really liked the Fishing Story. It was open and honest and funny. It showed a unique side of you.

Jasper: No. That was a throw away. It was stupid. I think my post were I insult you was brilliant. I think it got the most views as well.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. It was great. I’ve heard them all before from you. It actually got the least number of views of all your posts.

Jasper: Are you looking at the same stats that I’m looking at?

Chris: Probably not. So, I know you had problems coming up with ideas. I bet you have a little more respect for the craft now.

Jasper: I found it quite easy.

Chris: Baylee-Ann said you didn’t sleep the whole week, and that you mostly sat in front of the computer and wept.

Jasper: I was…um…looking at a very sad website. It was about your blog.

Chris: Yup. I kind of expected you to say that. So, are you going to start your own blog?

Jasper: No, no. The Freezy Pleasy* takes too much of my time. I had to close it in order to cover your ass. So are you going to start your own blog? Because your current blog sucks. Except for this week. This week it was awesome.

Chris: Was that suppose to clever…or make sense?

Jasper: And that was my interview with Christopher De Voss. While he falls into internet obscurity, please visit The Freezy Pleasy for some great specials located in the heart of Kissimmee, Florida. Mention the code words: “Jasper for blog master!” and receive 5% off your purchase total.

*The Freezy Pleasy is the store that Jasper runs. They sell freeze dried foods.

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Post Issue #4

14 Jun

Due to some family matters, my neighbor and biggest critic, Jonathon “Jasper” Johns has volunteered to guest write for me this week. I have given him free reign to write whatever he likes…god help us all.

My Favorite Insults

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Boy, this has been hard. Writing this stuff everyday is really, really hard. It does make me appreciate the blogging comunity a little bit more, except for Christopher De Voss. Last night I opened up the little WordPress application and that little blinky line on that blank page just kept blinking and blinking at me. No words came out of my head. So today I decided to share some of my favorite insults. These are mostly about Christopher De Voss. I think you will find them pretty sweet.

—–

Christopher De Voss is about as handy as a wolverine making sweet tea.

If you gave Christopher De Voss a hammer and a nail, odds are that the damn fool would nail his hand to the wall.

If I had a nickel for every time Baylee-Ann clogged the toilet, I would have so many nickels, I could build a nickel fort.

Christopher De Voss sweats more than a pig in a ballerina costume. Especially on Thursdays.

Whenever Baylee-Ann snores too loud, I just read Christopher De Voss’ little word thingy here, and I fall asleep. It’s better than Ambien. Both give you diarrhea though.

If Christopher De Voss traveled back in time, and after some people meet him, they would be disappointed that the human race went backwards on the evolutionary scale.

Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Post Issue #1

11 Jun

Due to some family matters, my neighbor and biggest critic, Jonathon “Jasper” Johns has volunteered to guest write for me this week. I have given him free reign to write whatever he likes…god help us all.

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

by Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

Hello! I will be your host, or grand bloggerer, or blog master, or whatever you people call it, for the next week while Chris is out. So be prepared to have your socks painted on. You people are in for a real treat. You may even want me to take over. I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s about time this little corner of the interweb got some real genius in it.

But to be totally honest and fair, I didn’t quite know what I wanted to do for my first post. My second, third, fourth, and fifth posts are already done! Cash money in the bank! But this first post, I wasn’t quite so sure. I know it can’t be that hard. All Chris does is make pictures talk to each other, or talk about boobs, make up fake TV schedules, and/or what’s even worse, write those god awful zombie stories. I wish he would run those by me first. I have seen Night of The Living Dead 67 times. If George Romero is the father of zombies, I am his illegitimate love child, and De Voss is merely his gerbil.

New profile picture for Christopher De Voss.

So what I decided, after Chris suggested it, was to introduced myself.

Hi.

My name is Jonathon “Jasper” Johns. I live in Orlando. I am married to former Playboy Bunny (1959-1963 originally featured at the Playboy Club in Chicago), Baylee-Ann Johns. Contrary to popular belief, I am not Chris’ direct neighbor. I actually live 3 houses down. I currently own a Freeze Dried Foods store called the Freezy Pleasy.

Why freeze dried foods you ask? Well, living in Florida, we get a lot of hurricanes and freeze dried food does not spoil. Hello, bingo! Plus you can use them for hiking, camping, and going into outer space. Don’t snicker, one day we will all be able to go to outer space. Virgin Galactic is a company that is working on giving regular people rides into the final frontier. Right now only movie stars like Ashton Kutcher can afford it, but the price will drop eventually. Then me and Baylee-Ann are going to Mars! I have been reading about it in the Freeze Dried Foods newsletter. You probably don’t get that, you have to be invited to get on their email list. I invited myself.

I hope to get a window seat!

Ashton Kutcher and I are going to play Uno on the way to Mars.

I also enjoy raising pure breed Affenpinschers, because they look like ewoks.

Affenpinschers

Ewoks

That’s about all I got for today. My brain hurts from all this writing. I don’t know how you people can do this everyday. See ya tomorrow.