Tag Archives: farmer

Toddler Beyonce

23 Aug

My toddler came up to me and said,
“Daddy, do you want to learn a song?”
“Uh, sure,” I said out loud, but inside my head I said, “Daddy is working on something. Can’t you see that?” I am convinced that toddlers are unable to see electronic devices like cell phones and computers. Their is something not yet developed in their eyeball that can process anything attached to the ear or anything with a keyboard.
So I stopped working, turned and gave her my full attention.
“This song is a song that you may want to learn, Daddy.” she said and smiled.
“I will try, can you please sing the song. Daddy has to finish this.”

(And I did, it was yesterday’s article, and I was trying to think of one more movie. Which, by the way, I never did. It actually didn’t come to me until I was listening to the radio much, much, later. They were talking about what a bad ass Mike Tyson was, and how he wanted to fight a lion. Bingo! Mike Tyson vs. Zombies and the ear joke writes itself!)

When the toddler performs for you, it always starts off low and timid and hard to hear. She eventually builds to an incredible crescendo that shakes the whole house and causes migrating birds to turn around and head back north.

“Farmer Brown had a lot of animals
He had a dog
Then he had an owl
He had a bird with an elephant
Then he had a seagull
Then a mouse
He had a mustache
They lived in the barn
It was cold
They drink lemonade
It was refreshing
I like candy. ”

“Wow, what a great song,” I said. “Where did you learn that song?”

“At school.” (She doesn’t go to school yet.)

“Oh, ok,” I said and turned back to the computer.

The toddler once again missed the electronic device I was working on and asked, “You want to hear it again?”

I lay my head on the keyboard, which spelled the word, vgfgfgujkuugfd, and say, “Sure. Love too. Got nothing else to do…like write an article.”

“OK!” she says and smiles.

“Farmer Brown has a lot of animals
He has a pig and a duck and a horse and a bear and a elephant and a pig….”

“Whoa,” I interrupted. “You said pig twice, and I think the bear would eat the pigs, so I think Farmer Brown would have no pigs. Or if he did have pigs, he wouldn’t after a few nights in the barn with the bears. And why would a Farmer have an elephant anyway? What would he use it for? He can’t plow with it, it’s poops are probably the size of a small pig. What would you do with that? Climb it? Climb Mt. Elephant Poop. Yuck. No way. Besides that’s not how you sang the song before.”

The toddler just looks at me for a second, gets up and leaves. From the next room I hear, “Mommy do you want to learn a song?”

Daddy – 1 Toddler – 0 Mommy – 0

The Farmer In The Dell Pt One

29 Jul

The Farmer was in his dell. He was instructed to be there by a little piece of paper.

The paper simply said:

Go to the dell.
Wait for instructions.
Or Else.

Ok, thought the Farmer. I’m here. Now what? Or else what?

After about twenty minutes of nothing, the Farmer called, “Hi-Ho!…..Hi-Ho! Anybody there? Hello? Derry-o, anybody there?”

No answer. Apparently the country side of Derry was deserted today, which did not help with the mysterious note with it’s day wasting instructions.

The Farmer sat down.

Off in the distance several tiny dots appeared. As they got closer the Farmer could make out the Pastor’s wife, a small boy, a woman dressed in a nurses uniform, a cow, a dog, a cat, and a rat. Behind them were two big angry men carrying two big angry guns.

Oh my god, thought the Farmer. The Farmer had no weapons and those guys looked big…and angry.

The Farmer slipped back into the brush of the dell. He peeked out, easily concealed by the bushes.

What to do? What to do? The Farmer’s mind was racing.

The group was on the outskirts of the tree line now.

One of the men with the guns barked, “We rest here. 5 minutes.”

The humans looked exhausted. They sat down, no literally fell down where they stood. The Pastor’s wife flopped right in front of where the Farmer was hiding.

The animals huddled together, except the cow which began to graze on the grass.

The angry gun brothers put there guns against their legs and lit cigarettes.

The Farmer waited a minute then tried to get the Pastor’s wife attention.

“Psst, psst,” he hissed at her but she just sat there.

“Hey,” he tried a little louder, almost too loud, as he glanced at the men with guns.

They looked like they had begun arguing over something stupid like politics, or religion, or industrial death metal, or political religious industrial death metal. Whatever, it didn’t matter…what mattered was at some point they laid their guns on the ground. They seemed really preoccupied. Their backs were slightly turned away from where the Farmer was hiding. This was the Farmer’s chance.

In one quick ninja-like swoop, he put his hands on the Pastor’s wife’s hips and took her.

To Be Continued…