Tag Archives: drafts

Emptying The Drafts Folder

27 May

I know it’s hard to believe that some ideas on this blog stay in the drafts folder.

It may look like I hit publish on everything I write regardless of:

content
quality
comedic value
or grammatical errors…

…but truth be told, I do reject some ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Not all ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere, mind you…just some.

So, for your viewing pleasure, here are some of the posts that never made it to the light of the internet:

Obviously written around Christmas time. The Batman part came easy due to the parody song…but then…no other Super Heroes have Christmas parody songs! What’s up with that? Who decided that only Batman was going to get a Christmas parody song and no one else?! What about Spider-man? Doesn’t he deserve a Christmas parody song? I think he does…mostly becaise I could have finished more of this post if he did:

In Line At A Target With Super Heroes And Villains, After Christmas

Hello! This is Bob Mathewson from Channel 28 News. Today we are at the local Target where the Super Heroes and Super Villains of the world are in line to return some their Christmas presents.

So let’s work our way through the line and see if we can get any of them to show us what they are returning and why.

First I see Batman and it’s quite obvious what he is returning. Batman has a whole shopping cart filled with deodorants, in all shapes, sizes, and brands. Batman do you care to comment on why you’re returning all of these deodorants?

Batman: Frankly, yes! Yes I would! It’s just a parody song, people! Just a stupid take on Jingle Bells! I don’t smell! You don’t think with all of the super cool gadgets that Morgan Freeman invented for me, that he didn’t think of a built in roll on deodorant for the bat suit? Come on, people! Use your heads! Every freaking year! It’s not funny anymore!

Mathewson: I see where that would get old, yes. I see your young ward, Robin is behind you pushing a shopping cart filled with throat lozenges…

Batman: Also not funny. I need to disguise my voice people! You don’t need to know who I am! And if you are going to send me throat lozenges…ha ha…not! I don’t like cherry!

Mathewson: Fair enough. Moving on. Oh look, it’s Spider-Man. Spider-Man, what are you returning today?

Spider-Man:

—–

This one had potential to keep going, but I think the joke would have gotten old way before the post wrapped up. Plus with the last business listed, it was going places it probably should not be going:

Bad Business Combinations

Strip Club/Karaoke Bar

Tax Preperation Service/Funeral Home

Fish Market/Gynecologist

—–

This is a prime example of the premise being way funnier then any execution. I think this would have been one long post of puns that very quickly would have become predictable:

Trying To Get Directions On The Worst Named Streets Ever

“Um, excuse me…do you know how to get to Boner Lane?”

“It’s pronounced Booner Lane.”

—–

This one was funnier in my head. You know the Christmas song, ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’? I pictured a bunch of Angels running around singing the word, Hark! Only the word, Hark! Picture it. It’s funny, but it does not translate to paper:

Hark!

…the herald angels sing …

Hark!

Hark!

—–

This is truth written right here. I didn’t finish this post because I didn’t want to sound like a gigantic bah-humbug. I just think we can do better in this celebration song:

The Most Uncomfortable Song In The World

I now submit to you, the most uncomfortable song in the world, unless you are under the age of eight:

Happy Birthday

I think as a nation, we need a new Birthday song. No one truly likes this song. The next time you sing this song to a stranger or loved one, look at their face.

Are they enjoying it?

No, their face is all scrunched up, in a fake, tight-lipped, forced smile, pretending to enjoy this pre-blow-out-the-candles-and-finally-eat-some-damn-cake tradition.

And the song itself so repetitive. Who wrote this thing?

“OK, OK, so far all I got is: Happy Birthday to you…what should be the next line? Wait I got it, I’ll just keep repeating that, and then say the person’s name to help break it up…and then…crap, just say Happy Birthday again in case they forgot what we were singing about.”

“What if you don’t know there name?”

“Ummm, I don’t know. Just uncomfortably mumble something I guess.”

—–

Another combination post. I didn’t finish it because in order to get the jokes, you have to know who the Super Heroes are, and I got too lazy to explain and google images:

Bad Super Hero Team Ups

Superman and Good Luck Bear

Edward Scissorhands and Bubble Boy

Magneto and Iron Man

—–

This…I admit…is just a big, unfunny, mess. Enjoy!

The Emoticons Put On A Play

Scene I Act I

🙂      :o)      :c)

Scene I Act II

😀      😀     😦

Scene I Act III

:@      >:O     :-O

Scene II Act I

>;)

Scene II Act II

}:)     o/\o

Scene II Act III

|;-)     😥     :-###..

Scene III Act I

:’-(      😥     :’-)     :’)

Scene III Act II

<:-|

The End

The Internet Slang Play

8 Aug

LOL, ROTFL, and BRB were sitting around the table playing cards. In walks their girlfriends, LMK, K, and OMG.

OMG: Oh my god, are you guys going to play cards all night? We are bored. We want to go out!

BRB: Excuse me. I’ll be right back. I have to use the bathroom.

K: Okay.

OMG: Oh my god, I’m serious. I feel as trapped as a nun in a lesbian whorehouse.

LOL: (laughs a hearty loud laugh)

K: Okay. That was funny.

LMK: Ladies, let me know what you want to do…I’m up for anything.

OMG: Oh my god. I just want to dance. I want to dance with my friends. I want to dance and be free and get wasted.

ROTFL: The last time I saw you… (starts to snicker) dancing…(starts to laugh harder, slides out of his chair a little bit)…it looked like…(one knee hits the floor, he is holding his stomach because it’s starting to hurt from the laughing)…a drunk…(falls on the floor and rolls around laughing very hard) PENGUIN!

OMG: Oh my god, that is so mean.

K: Okay. That was mean. Okay!

LOL: (starts laughing again, out loud)

LMK: Let me know when you done laughing, so we can move on with our lives.

(LOL is in tears laughing and ROTFL is rolling on the floor holding his sides.)

K: Okay ladies, I just say we go without these jerks! Okay?

OMG: Oh my god, yes!

LMK: Let me know when you boys are ready to grow up! (snaps fingers)

(The ladies leave.)

BRB: (walks back in the room) What did I miss?

And scene.

—–

I thought I would share what I originally started to write and then scraped. Part of the problem I think is, I don’t watch football…so why I would attempt to write my idea of people being named after internet abbreviations into a football commentator’s commentary?

Stupidity.

Stupidity is the answer.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this, I guess I couldn’t bear to have it trashed forever or have it live in my drafts folder…looking at me like I had betrayed it’s birth…it’s chance to run free with the other blogs…

Anyway…here is the orphan:

Welcome to the opening high school football game between the South Orange Interwebs and the Meadow Creek HTTPs.

Let’s get right into the action as BRB kicks off for the Interwebs. MeMe receives and is quickly brought down on the 30 yard line.

The HTTPs have okay starting position as rookie quarterback, ROTFL takes the helm. We have a snap. ROTFL drops back in the pocket…and throws…OH! Intended receiver LOL just barely missed. A little too low of a throw by ROTFL. Second down…ROTFL drops back to throw again….connects with LOL this time! LOL is on the 50, LOL is on the 40, LOL to the 30, LOL…LOL…LOL…Touchdown! LOL! Score HTTPs! ROTFL to LOL for the TD!

HTTP kicker WTF signals he is ready to kick. WTF onside kick! I don’t know what WTF was thinking. An onside kick already? A poor decision by WTF. The Interwebs have the ball on the 40.

The Interwebs Quarterback OMG comes on the field. OMG might call it quits after this year, so he is defiantly looking to make this a stellar season. OMG recieves the snap and hands it off to ROTFLOLWBAG, who coincidently is ROTFL’s brother from the HTTPs. ROTFLOLWBAG runs it up the middle before he is brought down by IDK. IDK stats are sure to be looking good this year. IDK who had a baby this year, and is a new proud Daddy. OMG back at the line, hands it off to LMK. LMK looks confused. IDK is charging. LMK falls down. LMK loses yardage.

(And there is where I lost interest and realized it was going nowhere!)