The Picnic Lovers Association Tennessee Edition

Hi There! This is Tom from The Picnic Lovers Association Tennessee Edition or P.L.A.T.E. for short.

We would just like you folks to know that P.L.A.T.E. is making picnicking cool again! Over the years the number of picnicking families has drastically dropped. This maybe due to the popularity of video games, bad iPhone navigation applications, the economy, the rise in bear attacks…who knows for sure?

We don’t.

Random Fun Fact: Did you know bears love Mentos?

P.L.A.T.E. is starting a new campaign to get you and your family outdoors again. Let’s go picnicking!

For starters, do you remember the David Lee Roth song, “Just like Paradise?”

The lyrics went, “This must be just like living in paradise, and I don’t want to go home.”

With our new campaign we will be using this song but changing the words to: “This must be just like picnicking in paradise Please pass the potato salad.”

Also, we have printed a whole new slew of fun, friendly, and free literature. Pick up such informative brochures as:

• Picnic In The Arctic
• Don’t Be Bullied By Bears!
• One Hundred And One Ways To Picnic Safely While Surrounded By Bears
• Can I Drink The Lukewarm Milk?
• Picnicking…It’s Like Playing An HD 3D Video Game
• Bears Love Picnicking Families And Bears Love You
• You Want Me To Pee Where?
• What To Do When A Bear Rips Your Arm Off
• David Lee Roth’s Guide To A Safe And Fun Picnic Experience
• David Lee Roth’s Guide To Petting A Bear Plus Bonus How To Jump Kick DVD

Random Fun Fact: If a bear tears your arm off, you have 12 minutes to get to the hospital in order to get it reattached successfully.

And we also have some beautifully printed on 35% recycled paper,  brochures on Barbecuing:

• David Lee Roth’s Guide To Dancing With A Microphone And Barbecuing
• How Long Can The Chicken Leg Sit On The Ground And I Still Eat It?
• How To Make Your Bratty Kids Eat Stuff With Grill Marks On It
• How To Make Barbecue Sauces Bears Hate
• Beat Your Meat – How To Flatten Meat For Barbecuing
• Dear God, Do They Barbecue In China?
• How To Get Barbecue Stains Out Of A Pissed Off Bear’s Fur

We also have some great suggestions for family activities:

• Frisbee Golf
• Frisbee Bowling
• Frisbee Badminton
• Throw A Football Around
• Fish The Football Out Of The Lake Because Uncle Tom Sucks At Throwing A Football
• Exploring The Woods
• Running Through The Woods
• Running Through The Woods Because A Bear Is Chasing You
• Bear Hunting
• Bird Watching
• Here, Eat This Weird Wild Berry And See If It Kills You Roulette
• Identify Wild Animal Droppings
• Butterfly Collecting
• Jump In A Pile Of Poison Ivy
• Chase The Squirrel
• Why Does Uncle Ed Want Us To Call Him The Squirrel?

So come on America! Join P.L.A.T.E and celebrate with your family the joys of picnicking in the great outdoors!

Random Fun Fact: Did you know Dentists hate bears?

I’m Ted and I’ll be there, picnicking!

Hope to see you and your family there as well!

(I’ll be the one in the too tight shorts, so you can kind of make out my package, but not quite.)

LuAnn Asks A Question

LuAnn is a friend of the toddler and lives  across the street and a few doors down. She is six.

LuAnn comes knocking on my door.

Me: Hello, LuAnn. The Toddler isn’t here right now.

LuAnn: I know Mr. Chris. I’m here to see you.

Me: Oh, okay. Well, I’m not up for playing Barbies.

LuAnn: I have a question. I have a question.

Me: Ok, LuAnn. Ok! Ask your question.

LuAnn: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…are you a zombie?

Me: No! Who told you that?

LuAnn: My Daddy says you’re a zombie!

Me: Are you sure he said I was a zombie, LuAnn? I sometimes write about zombies in books and on the internet, but I am not a zombie myself.

LuAnn: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: Do you know what a zombie is LuAnn?

LuAnn: No.

Me: Well, they are not real, LuAnn. So don’t worry about it.

LuAnn: I’m not scared. My Dad says his job is scarier  than any old zombie.

Me: Really?! What does your Dad do again?

LuAnn: He is a dentist.

It’s Not A Party ‘Till You Name It A Party

Monopoly, a game that sounds fun, until you break it out and start playing… then it quickly turns into a disaster…from the initial fighting of who is to be what piece, to the endless circling of the board until everyone quits…or better yet, somebody just declares themselves the winner.

The makers of Monopoly have been trying to compete in today’s world against such giants as the internet, video games, porn, and cable TV to stay relevant.  A couple variations of the game have been released:

• Adding credit cards
• Themed boards such as Muppets, Disney, and Porky’s III
• McDonald’s Monopoly game with a chance to win free fries
• Monopoly lottery
•  Monopoly card game and dice game.

And I just saw this on Facebook:

Now this post isn’t about that game on Facebook, or even Monopoly. It’s about adding the word party to something to try to make it sound more fun then it is. You know Monopoly is a dull, long, and boring game….but Monopoly Party has to be more fun then a barrel full drunk college coeds.

Gamer’s Tip: If you see the word party on a game, run away. It’s probably not fun.

I’m glad regular everyday things have not adopted this concept, but if they did, it would probably look something like this: