Tag Archives: death

Death And Commercialism

29 Jun

“I’m tired…I think it’s my turn to die.”

I opened my eyes when I heard this strange voice in what was suppose to be an empty room. The rope around my neck was squeezing tighter and tighter by the second, blurring my vision…but I was still able to make out the hooded, tall, figure standing there with his iconic sickle in one hand.

Death himself.

I started kicking my feet spastically. I couldn’t help it. I looked down at my hands clutching the rope and they were turning blue. Death came closer, his hooded robe touching my forehead. I looked into the black void where his face was suppose to be and saw vast stars and galaxies and ancient things.

Things I could not describe or imagine on my own, but somehow I knew they were ancient…and a tad bit moldy.

Death cut my rope with his sickle, and I fell to the floor…hard.

I rolled, and coughed, and sputtered,

“What the fuck did you do that for? Aren’t you suppose to be taking me to heaven or hell…or wherever?”

Death knelt on one knee, supporting himself with his sickle, and looked right into my eyes, “That would be Sheol, for killing yourself, but not today. Today it’s my turn.”

A fat, bloated, maggot fell from his cloak and fell to the floor where it burst open.

“Aren’t you already dead?” I asked with one eyebrow raised, a trick I had been practicing for years.

“Yes and no,” Death responded. “I grow tried of this job. I have been doing the same thing for eons…day in, and day out…seven days a week, 365 a year. I’m done. I’m burnt out.”

“Can’t you request to do something else from…um…the higher power…or powers?” I stammered.

“I’m under contract,” Death said coldly.

“Oh,” I said. “Well that’s a problem.”

“Indeed,” said Death.

“Have you tried breaking your contract?”

“I can do that?” Death looked shocked, well to be honest…that was a guess. Remember his face is covered with a hood.

“Yes,” I smiled looking very smug. “There is usually some sort of penalty, but yes you should be able to break your contract.”

Death stood up and raised his hand in the air. A flash of lighting and some dramatic smoke, just like in the movies, filled the room. Death’s hand now contained a huge scroll. He un-flapped the scroll with a flick of his boney wrist.

“Let’s see here,” muttered Death. “Section One….Uniform….Vacation Time…Section Twelve…Overtime….Section Sixty-Four…Insurance…I don’t see anything.”

Death hands me the scroll, “Here, you find it.”

I look at the writing on the scroll. Of course it’s in a weird language…yet vaguely familiar.

“Um, I don’t know what language this is written in.”

Death snickers. “Really?! It’s written in Dinosaur Latin. Everyone knows Dinosaur Latin.”

“Dinosaur Latin?” I’m taken aback. “I have never heard of Dinosaur Latin. Pig Latin, maybe…but not Dinosaur Latin.”

Death pauses, “Oh yeah…Dinosaur Latin came before Pig Latin. My bad.”

We just stare at each other in awkward silence.

“So, um…should I still go about killing myself, or are you taking me to hell?” I ask to break the quiet.

“It’s called, Sheol,” Death corrects me. “And no, I’m on strike. Take yourself to Sheol.”

“Okkkkk…how do I get there?”

“Google it,” Death says and crosses his arms. “I’m going to the Outback Steakhouse, and ordering a blooming onion. They are so good.”

And Death left in a puff of grey-black smoke.

I didn’t run into Death again for another 67 years, for I decided not to take my life after all, and hang out on the Earth for awhile.

That fateful night, Death visited me in the hospital where I was dying of lung cancer, and as he leaned in close to my face to whisper my death sentence, his breath smelled like onions.

Fin.

—–

I like to welcome my new sponsor, The Outback Steakhouse. Let’s go Outback tonight! Mention you got this coupon on chrisdevoss.wordpress.com and receive a free strange look from the hostess.

The Death Of High-Five Man

5 Dec

Article taken from The Orlando Weekly Daily:

Today one of Orlando’s lesser known mighty super heros has fallen, High-Five Man. High-Five Man was a mere 25 years old.

While in a heroic attempt to stop a local jewelry store from being robbed, High-Five Man and his trusty sidekick, Answers Questions With A Question Man was killed by an unknown super villain. The super villain was described as having sharp pointy steel poles protruding from everywhere on his body. As you may recall, High-Five Man’s finishing move involves jumping high in the air and slamming his foes with a gigantic, thunderous high five to somewhere on their body.

Needless to say High-Five Man didn’t stand a chance.

Eye witness Jason Bourke describes what happened;

“Well first High-Five Man was confused, because this guy had spikes coming from everywhere, and I mean everywhere on his body. High-Five Man couldn’t even get close to the guy. Answers Questions With A Question Man was just weeping in the corner being no help what-so-ever. Suddenly, High-Five Man leaps in the air, draws his arm back in the ultimate high five, and impales himself on the bad dude’s spikes. Then the bad dude shish-ka-bobs Answers Questions With A Question Man next. It was gross. What kind of super power is high five-ing people anyway?”

In a side note, Answers Questions With A Question Man, was voted 2011’s most annoying super hero.

Currently, we at The Orlando Weekly Daily, are dubbing this new super villain: The Steel Porcupine.

Funeral services are to be announced sometime next week.

High Five Man is survived by his wife Low Five Woman, and their three kids: UpHigh, DownLow, and TooSlow.