Tag Archives: children

Randoms Pt 6

15 Nov

I try not to use my phone when driving, but at red lights I think it’s OK. I need an App that tells me when the light has turned green. The only one I have at the moment is the car honking it’s horn behind me.

The porn market is pretty saturated already, but I think I have come up with a new fresh fetish: Nude girls throwing up into a bucket. I will be accepting investors if anyone is interested.

In my notes I wrote: Douche Bag News. I don’t remember what I was thinking at the time, but the title is pretty funny non-the-less.

How come when people from Britain sing, they don’t have an accent?

If I wasn’t married I probably would never own a pillow shammy or a bed skirt…or curtains.

The toddler wants a kitty cat, but I figure instead I would throw up on the carpet, pee in the corner, and take a file to the leg of the couch. Gives us the same effect while saving money kitty chow and litter.

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Toddler: Up and Down rhyme.

Me: No, honey. They do not.

Toddler: Yes they do. That is what my teacher said.

Me: No, I’m sure she didn’t. Pup and Up rhyme, or Cup and Up rhyme.

Toddler: That is what I said. Pup and Up.

Me: No, no, you didn’t. You said Up and Down. You shouldn’t lie.

Toddler: I didn’t lie, I said it in Spanish.

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Lately, I feel like I’m getting severe memory loss. I will start doing something and then the next thing you

Randoms: All Toddler Edition

27 Sep

“I don’t like the new bus at school. They want to take your blood and give it to doctors.”

–Toddler on the Blood Mobile at her school

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“If you take a dead bird and throw it in the grass, it will catch on fire.”

—Just a random thought from Toddler while in the car. Kind of scary. What are they teaching these kids in VPK? (See, when ever you child does something creepy, blame it on the school system. It takes the responsibility of parenting off your shoulders.)

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Quick set-up: The Toddler received a Hello Kitty WII game for her birthday. She will play it about 2 to 3 minutes at a time before becoming bored.

Toddler: I want to play my Hello Kitty Game.

Me: I don’t feel like setting it up for 3 seconds of play.

Toddler: Please Daddy. I will play for more than 3 seconds.

Me: No. Daddy’s working on something I’m not stopping, setting up your game, only to have you quit playing and asking to do something else after only 3 seconds of playing it.

Toddler: I won’t play for 3 seconds. I’ll play. Please!

Me (grumbling): Ok.

So I get up from my task at hand, go upstairs, find the game, put it in the WII, turn on the TV, put the TV on the right input channel, adjust the sound, wait for the game to load, click through the start menu, drop the remote, pick it back up, put the batteries that had fallen out back in, put the cover back on, adjust the little sensor bar thingy at the TV, re-sync the remote to the WII, click through the credits on the game, and press start.

Me (while handing the remote to the Toddler): Here you go. Have fun.

I go into the bedroom and gather some laundry. It takes all of about a minute and a half. I came into the game room to find the TV off.

Me (super frustrated): Toddler! Where are you? Why aren’t you playing your game? I’m taking it back to the store! You must hate this game!

Toddler (starts crying): I do like the game! Don’t take it back! I do like the game!

Me (exasperated): But you only played it for 3 seconds! How can you like a game you only play for 3 seconds!

Toddler (even more tears): I do like the game! I played for 15 seconds Daddy! I played for 15 seconds!

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Now, thanks to the Toddler, I have learned that feathers and dark clothes in the washing machine do not mix. If you walk into my laundry room you will swear an ostrich exploded in there….

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On one of the Toddler’s videos there is a trailer for one of the Harry Potter movies. I don’t know which one, I have never paid attention. Now the Toddler is fascinated with Harry Potter. I actually don’t think she would ever sit through a Harry Potter movie, and at some point in any Harry Potter movie something would scary her, but she thinks Harry Potter is cool.

In the car she is always asking to play Harry Potter music. I don’t have Harry Potter music, nor am I sure what Harry Potter music is, but I always inform her that I don’t know what she is talking about. Expect one day while trying to figure out what to listen to on my Google Music, I landed on  Pink Floyd’s A Momentary Lapse Of Reason. For your Floyd purest, I know this one doesn’t have Roger Waters on it, but he apparently was busy making the crappy album Radio K.A.O.S at the time.

The Toddler goes crazy.

“Daddy, you do have Harry Potter music! You do know what I am talking about!”

And she proceeds to dance in her car seat to Pink Floyd…or in her mind Harry Potter.

I know I just gave a million stoners mini heart attacks with that last sentence.

Randoms Pt 3

21 Sep

Whenever the children make me repeat something I always add one more to whatever number I have actually repeated.

Such as: “This is the fourth time I have asked you to turn off the hallway light. ”

Child will stop and think for a moment:

“No, Dad. You only said it three times. ”

“Ah-Ha, busted. You were listening. Now go give the dog a bath. ”

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How come whenever you go over to a friend’s house, you can’t ever work their TV remote if it looks different from yours? Play is always the little sideways triangle, and Stop the square. Fast Forward and Reverse are double triangles right and left respectively…however when not on your own personal remote, might as well be located on the toaster.

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Wouldn’t it be cool if a toaster had a Fast Forward button? Or settings for how high you would like your toast to pop out?

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Why are Oranges called Oranges, but Apples are not called Reds? Or Bananas not called Yellows? Why are Pineapples not called Skin That Looks Like A Spiky Armadillo But Doesn’t Hurt When You Touch It?

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Ping Pong, the only game named after how it sounds to play it.

Pajama Pants Song

20 Sep

Prelude to Song #1: It’s early morning and I’m tired.

Prelude to Song #2: In order to be able to deliver the Toddler to her VPK teacher, the school makes us stand outside the side door and check the children in one by one. There really is not much organization to it. Everyday about 15 of us parents will wait for the teacher to appear sometime between 8 and 8:10 am. Instead of making friends, I instead have nicknamed the other parents in my head. They are not clever nicknames mind you. We have Green Bay Packers Jersey, Rude Spanish Grandma, Business Guy, (see I told you, not clever) Scary Karate dude, (he is Black not Asian, and doesn’t wear karate clothes, but he looks like he would spend his afternoon at the local dojo), Bluetooth Ear, and Pajama Pants. There are other parents there too, I just haven’t found the time to nick-name them yet.

Prelude to Song #5: If the others have decided to nick-named me, I would probably guess my name would be: Guy Who Doesn’t Comb Hair In The Morning.

Prelude to Song #4: The school sits right outside the neighborhood. Many people walk because it’s so close.

Prelude to Song #5: Pajama Pants, as the clever nick-name implies, always wears pajama pants.

So I’m driving the Toddler to school through the neighborhood, because I’m too lazy to walk. Not the actual walking part, the part where I have to get us up a tad bit earlier, and be more organized to get us out the door on time.

So I’m driving the Toddler to school through the neighborhood, when I pass Pajama Pants…but she is not wearing pajama pants, she is wearing jeans!

Jeans! Not pajama pants.

No pajama pants, which is a problem because her nick-name is Pajama Pants!

OK…now, I don’t know why….but I started singing (out loud):

Where is your pajama pants today, today
Where is your pajama pants today, today

Then I start laughing.

Where is your pajama pants today, today
Where is your pajama pants today, today

Suddenly, I’m thinking to myself, “What the hell are you doing?”

So I start singing (once again, out loud):

I think I’m losing it, losing it, losing it
I think I’m losing it, losing it

I look in the rear view mirror and the Toddler is just staring at me with the most disgusted look on her face.

Which then prompts me to sing:

Where is your pajama pants today, today
I think I’m losing it, losing it

“Stop,” the Toddler screams. “I hate that song!”

But I go on some more:

Where is your pajama pants today, today
I think I’m losing it, losing it
What am I doing?
I think I’m losing it, losing it
You ain’t got no pajama pants today
‘Cause they are dirty, they are dirty
Where is your pajama pants today, today

The Toddler is screaming,

“Stop Daddy, stop. I hate that song. That song is boring!”

Boring? This song is anything but boring. This song is hilarious!

Well, we get to the school, I park the car and walk to the door. We pass Pajama Pants on the way, and she gives me the most hateful look…and it’s at the moment I realize that I should be careful when singing made-up songs…about people…and driving…with the windows open!

The Wit And Wisdom Of A Four Year Old Pt1

9 Jul

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Four Year Old: “But Daddy I don’t like it, but I do. I do like it.”
Me: ” So do you want it?”
Four Year Old: (screaming) “I. Said. I. Don’t. Like. It!”

When asked if she wanted a yogurt.

Lunch

8 Jul

The dog keeps sniffing my ankles and the 4 year old keeps sniffing my elbows. Can’t figure out what the hell they want….oops, forgot to make lunch.