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The Finals Of The World Championship Uno Competition

16 Nov

Welcome to the World Championship Uno competition brought to you by CardTV.  I’m your host Philip McCray.

In this, the final round, our players will be Jonathon Applebottom in the west position, Nancy Ficklestein in the East position, George “The Butcher” Butcher in the North position, and Gary, an Orange about to turn bad in the South position. (Playing as the orange’s hands will be Uno Grand Judge, Albert Unomasterson.)

It’s been a long…tedious…some what boring to watch and moderate competition to far.

Alright, the cards have been dealt, and a yellow number 5 has been revealed to start the round. Play begins with “The Butcher”, he looks at his hand in total concentration…after many minutes of senseless debate he plays a yellow 8. The crowd claps.

Now going clockwise to Nancy Ficklestein…she immediately lays down a Draw 2. The crowd gasps. What an bold opening  move! Albert draws two cards from the top of the deck for Gary the Orange. Gary the Orange doesn’t look happy and shoots Nancy a nasty navel look! Folks, this is going to get heated.

Play resumes with Applebottom. Applebottom is a four time World Champion Skip-Bo player, and has recently decided to try his hand at Uno. Smart call as he has made it to the final table in his very first tournament. Applebottom draws a card, a lackluster first move. The crowd sighs.

As the players take a quick over-priced bottled water break, I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to our network president Brandon Smelker for sleeping with his one and only daughter…and then cheating on her with the Head of Programming’s favorite niece…oh….and then cheating on them both with three drag queens from Newark…

If any or preferably all of them could find it in their hearts to forgive me, and possibly give me back my old assignment at the World Series Of Poker Championships, I would be up most grateful and promise to keep Mr. Happy in my pants where he belongs.

I was dumb. I was stupid. And it will never happen again. I can’t take this Uno tournament anymore! It has been the worst, most boring, 112 hours of my life! Give me back my Poker Championships…please!

Wait, I have just been handed an important update…well, I guess it is more like a promo announcement…Ladies and Gentlemen join me next week for the World Series of Cribbage…90 and up Seniors division….next Friday night…4:30 pm early….before the buffet opens…applesauce night…

Damn….sigh.

Ok, now play resumes with “The Butcher” playing a Wild Draw 4 Card….