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BREAKING NEWS: Bras Are Evil!

11 Apr

It’s Thursday. It’s Reblog day. Or Reblog Thursday…day. This is about boobs, so…yeah…no big surprise I’m reblogging it.

(You guys know me so well!)

Reblog Thursday Pt 30

The Camp Of The Saints

Oh. My. God. We’ve been played for boobs!…

From Counsel & Heal, Christine Hsu reporting, we learn the horrific [but titillating] news [tip of the fedora to Matt 'Bazoombas' Drudge]:

Women have long been told that a good bra can help support the chest, relieve back pain and prevent sagging. However, a new 15-year French study reveals the opposite: bras do little to reduce back pain and, over time, they can actually make breasts sag even more.

Researcher Prof. Jean-Denis Rouillon, a sports science expert from the University of Besançon in eastern France claims that "bras are a false necessity," according to The Local.

"Medically, physiologically, anatomically – breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity," said Rouillon. "On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra."

I’ve long told anyone who would listen that: Gravity is your friend.

According to The Connexion, the findings suggest…

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The Brain Trust

8 Apr

The Right Half  and the Left Half of my brain were fighting.

Apparently, while I was sleeping last night, the Right Half of my brain threw a pencil at the Left Half of my brain.

It made the Left Half of my brain really, really amgry.

Like…really angry.

Why did the Right Half of my brain throw a pencil at the Left Half?

I don’t know….to be a dick?

…to be funny?

….because it needed sharpened?

So the Left Half of my brain devised all sorts of plans to get even with the Right Half, including but not limited to, designing a thermal nuclear rocket.

This seems a little over-the-top, but my Left Brain Half is a thinker.

Well, the Right Half found out what the Left Half was planning on, and he got a little nervous.

As he should!

The Right Half tried to think of what he should do…it was just a pencil for gosh sake’s…a thermal nuclear rocket seemed a little drastic…but all the Right Half could think of at the moment, was Lesbian porn.

(It was the middle of the night in my head… in case you forgot.)

Then suddenly, the Right Half had an idea. It would get the Left Half a present.

A present makes everyone feel better.

But what sort of present should he get an intellectual, over-thinking, logical, scientific Left brain?

A baseball?

A baseball card?

An Electric Shaver?

A Soduku Book?

No. Something Left could use…with all of his thinking, and strategizing, and ponderings.

A pen. A really nice ballpoint pen. A .162 Precious Resin Meisterstück perhaps?

Yes!

And Right tried to set it right with the gift of the pen to the Left, who upon recieving the pen said,

“What’s this, Right? This garbage? You of all brain halfs should know only a Monteblanc .164 Classic would do for me! Are you the brain of a goat?”

So the Right Half threw the pen at him.

A Can Of Green Beans

2 Apr

Green Beans

Oh, Can Of Green Beans

How You Mock Me

With Your Green Beany-ness

With Your Label With Your Picture On It

Looking Delicious

However

I Do Like Wax Beans A Little Bit Better

Just So You Know!

To Be Honest

I Do Like You Mixed With Wax Beans

If Only The World Could Mix As Well

As You And Wax Beans

Then The World Would Be A Better Place

A Little Bit Of Green

A Little Bit Of Wax

No Cauliflower Though

That Stuff Is Nasty

Spongebob To Golf And Back

25 Mar

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’ve been sick.

It was much more worse two weeks ago.

On Sunday I sat in a chair and just let the kids do whatever they want. My plan was to either:

A) Sleep and not move until I felt better

or

B) Die.

The 6 year old’s plan was to watch endless hours of Spongebob Squarepants on the DVR.

images

She did.

I did too.

Eventually she moved on to her karaoke machine to sing One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Her own special version.)

I watched the rest of Spongebob with the One Direction song blaring in the other room. The episode ended and clicked off of the DVR, leaving me with Golf…and the TV remote across the room on the couch.

In my sick state, it might as well have been in Iceland.

Or Greenland.

Or Mordor.

Or Mordorland.

Even though I live in Florida, I’m not a golfer. I tried a couple of times. I had a lot of fun too, until the greenskeeper yelled at me to stop racing the other golfers in the golf carts, and that I needed to actually play the game of golf. I got kicked out when they found out I didn’t even have a set of golf clubs with me.

I have never watched golf on TV before…

I found it boring to play, so I doubt I would find it much more stimulating to watch.

I was wrong! It was quite actually entertaining to watch. Now it could have just been the fever boiling my brain that made it so fun to watch, but regardless I was hooked for the afternoon.

First question that popped into my head…who decided it was a good idea to take the smallest ball possible and try to shoot it into a hole four miles away? This is where mini golf is better, because the hole is only 4 feet away and you get to travel through a windmill.

mini-golf-windmill-vlg8il

I think orginally the Scottish invented golf as a joke on everyone else.

“Ah, laddies! Here is a new sport…(hee hee). Try to take this itty bitty ball and put it in the hole way yonder there! You can’t see the hole, but trust me…it’s there. Swing this metal stick against the ball. Oh, and you can only do it in three tries or less. If not, you have to throw that tree stump around!”

scottish

Second question: How close are the golf announcers to the actual golf players in order that they have to talk like yoga instructors? I watched the golfers move from hole to hole…without golf carts mind you, no racing for these guys…but when they cut back to the anouncers, they didn’t seem to move at all…yet still talked like they were trying to put me in a trance.

For some reason after watching this telecast, on certain key words I will take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken…but I don’t want to talk about it.

Shhhhhh!

Shhhhhh!

as

(Asparagus)

The most impressive thing about watching golf on TV….the cameramen! They can follow that teeny tiny golf ball from swing to water hole. I wonder if you have to go to special golf cameraman school for that?

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

At the very end Tiger Woods won, which I guess doesn’t happen very often anymore…. ?

I don’t know.

People seemed excited about it. The strange thing was, was that Tiger Woods’ caddie slapped him on the butt like a football player! That’s dangerous man! Give Tiger the right opening and he will have sex with you.

It's in the game.

It’s in the game.

Reblog Thursday Pt 28

21 Mar

Ah, to be enlighted by Monks is such a spirtual journey of…what? What’s that? This is enlightment by Monkeys, not Monks? Oh…the Monkeys are Monks. I’m so confused. Read this article to be more confused.

Monk Monkey

Let Monk Monkey guide you towards enlightenment and undarkenment and away from the embankment (it’s dangerous, you might fall off and knock your shin on a rock or something)…

Is a pen a writing implement, or is it a place to hold wild beasts? Could it be both? Could you draw a pen with a pen, thereby combining the two pens? Or even better, could you build a pen out of pens? (You may need sticky tape or glue or rubber bands to hold it together.)

I am here before you today to promote this idea. No, I don’t want you to build a pen out of pens, or draw a pen out of pens – either kind of pen – nor do I ask of thee to draw a pen made out of pens with your pen. No. What I wish for you to grab hold of today is…

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The Shamrock Shake Debate

18 Mar

Klout seems to think I’m a big fan of McDonald’s.

This is the second time they have sent me free McDonald’s money based on my influence on talking about McDonald’s on the web.

A couple of things here to point out here before we continue:

1) I’m not exactly sure what Klout is, or what it means. I don’t understand  my Klout score and if it’s good, bad, or indifferent. I do know they will send me free stuff every once in awhile based on the things I talk about. They once sent me this great pizza cutter:

I love this pizza cutter!

I love this pizza cutter! It’s not as blurry in real life.

2) I don’t think I talk about McDonald’s a lot. I’m actually not a big fan of McDonald’s. In Orlando we have a lot of McDonald’s including the World’s Biggest McDonald’s, several fancy Cafe McDonald’s, and a couple of McDonald’s in the shape of the food they serve. They are fun to walk into from the outside, but I’m always a little disappointed when I get inside and it looks like a regular McDonald’s, and not the inside of a giant french fry. I would really like to eat inside of a giant french fry.

On Klout’s defense I was talking about the Shamrock Shake since it’s March and all, which is the only time you can get a Shamrock Shake. I always remember the Shamrock Shake tasting better than it actually does. I think the entire McDonald’s menu is based on this premise. In fact, the Shamrock Shake tastes like toothpaste swirled into a vanillia milkshake.

Yet I get excited about it’s limited appearance, but I think that’s more to do with other people’s excitement over it’s limited appearance.

You have to supply your own toothbrush

You have to supply your own toothbrush

When I saw the Shamrock Shake sightings on Facebook, I went to get my own.

Currently McD’s is hawking a new product called McFish Bites.

Little balls of fish

Little balls of fish, or could be actually fish balls. Who knows?

Think Chicken McNuggets, but with fish. Also think about not getting them, they were disgusting…especially paired with a Shamrock Shake.

My stomach felt really gurgly for a long time after eating this deadly combo. In my defense, McDonald’s was advertising this pair. I’m a sucker for the featured item at any restaurant.

I got side tracked.

Sorry.

So Klout emails me with the news of free McDonald’s money. It will be in the form of a gift card with a picture of Ronald McDonald on it.

I'm afraid of clowns that raise my cholotrol.

I’m afraid of clowns that raise my cholesterol.

I’m looking at Ronald there, and I’m thinking; “What happened to the rest of the McDonald characters?”

Class of '84

Class of ’84

There was the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, the Fry Guys, Grimace, Officer Big Mac, and others whom I forget their names.

What happened to these guys? They just disappeared! One day they were featured in every McDonald’s commercial and on my cookies in my Happy Meal, and the next…poof! Vanished! Gone!

Corporate kill off, I believe.

Now that I look at that picture with Hamburglar, he does look really scary. I’m not sure who the pirate is, or who the bald headed professor munchkin is either, but they both look a little scary as well. The giant hamburger heads and the purple blob guy could be conceived as scary as well.

Maybe that’s why they disappeared. Maybe all of out childhood and adult nightmares steem from the McDonald characters.

I don’t know.

I might get a Shamrock Shake and ponder it some more.

Reblog Thursday Pt 27

14 Mar

Reblog Thursday with a tale of young love. All I can say is, I like pizza and music too.

Facebook Friday Pt 5 (On A Wednesday)

13 Mar

Some of my favorite Facebook posts as of late:

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My ApologizesTo Black History Month

9 Mar

The 6 year old, a very cute white 6 year old mind you, brings home her school work.

All smiles.

Proud Daddy leafs through it…some math…did pretty good…come on….6-2….easy! You shouldn’t have missed this! Your writing is getting better…got to work on those e’s…still making them backwards honey…this isn’t Ancient  Greece…hey, what’s this?

Nice pink cover to celebrate Black History Month. Plus we added a flower and a butterfly...good touch.

Nice pink cover to celebrate Black History Month. Plus we added a flower and a butterfly…good touch.

I realize it’s March, but we are just getting ths home.

Side Note: In the era that my Mother grew up in, she caught the tail end of segregation. She was a history teacher and I remember one of the stories she would tell her class was about the day she used the black drinking foutain because the line was shorter and it shocked all the park goers that day. My Mom always mentioned it was just one water pipe that came from the ground and split into two, so it made no sense to wait forever for the white side when the black side was the same exact water. But to everyone else at that time, it was a big no no.

Cut to my generation: It was drilled into our heads that all men are created equal. Funny thing was, I never experienced any segregation so as a child I’m thinking: “Ok, gotcha! So what if someone has different colored skin. I”ll be Han Solo and you be Lando Calrissian and let’s save the galaxy!” Segregation was still going on, just not as blatant, in your face, as my Mom experienced. We all drank from the same water fountain, but pay, jobs, and schooling were the hidden elephants in the room.

For my children: There is still the KKK, and there is still racism. But for the most part, I believe that is still old school thinking past from generations of families that just don’t know any better. My kids never say, “This is my black friend John.” It’s just, “This is my friend, John.”

I get that I’m a white guy saying this, and I have no experience being black. I can’t talk about childbirth or driving a race car as first hand experiences either, only as observations.

So with all of that randomly being said, when I looked at my youngest daughter’s Black History coloring sheets and saw this:

Joseph Winters here inented the fire escape ladder apparently. And was the whitest black man, next to Michael Jackson that I have ever seen.

Joseph Winters here invented the fire escape ladder apparently. And thanks to my child’s interpretation, Joseph was the whitest black man, next to Michael Jackson that I have ever seen.

Sarah Breedlove Walker, whom I don't think is a natural blond, invented the straightening comb.

Sarah Breedlove Walker, whom I don’t think is a natural blond, invented the straightening comb.

George Washington Carver, who kind of looks like Sam the Butcher from Brady Bunch, invented the peanut or something like that.

George Washington Carver, who kind of looks like Sam the Butcher from Brady Bunch, invented the peanut or something like that.

I thought they got rid of the Flesh colored crayon….

Me: Why did you color them white?

The Child: I didn’t know they were supposed to be black

Me: But it says Black History on the cover.

The Child: I didn’t know that

Me: So why did you color this guy brown?

The hair matches the suit!

The hair matches the suit!

The Child: Because he invented a brown machine that makes shoes.

Me: Makes perfect sense.

Reblog Thursday Pt 26

7 Mar

It’s Reblog Thursday. As you get older the Reblog Thursday’s just fly by…This one is about getting a bike, or crime fighting, or crime fighting on a bike…I’m not sure. It’s mostly about a childhood memory that most middle class children of the 80’s share.

Bill McMorrow

I had a black Huffy BMX bike when I was a boy. I got it for Christmas when I was nine years old. My father took me to Child World in Quincy Center one day to pick it out. I was pretty excited to finally get my own bike, as up until this point I would have to steal other kids bikes when they weren’t using them. And they were always using them. So the majority of my bike riding was done in the dead of night, by myself. Which got pretty lonely. But it also allowed me to get my foot in the door to the crime fighting business. So I considered it an even trade-off.

Getting my own bike not only meant I would be able to ride a bicycle during daylight hours just like Little Lord Fauntleroy did, but it would also greatly reduce the likelihood of my getting punched in the…

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