Which Would Win In A Fight…Writing Or Child Birth?

9 Dec

Writing for me is hard.

It’s really hard.

Writing to me, is like spending days, weeks, months, even years in labor. Pushing and prodding, sweating and cursing, groaning and straining and out pops the top of the head…but only the top of the head. You look at the head and think,

‘That’s a nice looking head, but what could be better about the head? I mean, I like the shape and the little wispy hairs, but..is that a dent on the side? What are those red blotches? Can I make those red blotches look better? I can’t. I don’t know what would make those red blotches look better! Dammit! Is there too much hair going on up here? Is there too little? I hate this baby! No I love this baby, I will never give up on it!’

So you push some more, and it hurts…oh boy does it hurt! But you produce a whole head! You look down between your legs and marvel at the head you have just produced. You see two bright blue sparkling shiny eyes and a nice button nose…wait…my baby’s nose is really a button! That’s not good. We can fix that in the next draft, no worries. OK, what else here? Oh yes, cute little mouth with some toothless gums…that works…and a right ear and only a right ear…

What the hell? Where is the other ear?! I just spent three weeks on this baby and it only has one ear! How can I fix this? I can’t! I just squeezed out this whole head and it’s missing an ear! There is no repairing this! I can’t just shove this head back into my cranial vagina…it’s already hanging out there! I even made the mistake of telling a few friends that I was thinking about birthing something! I remember telling the neighbor yesterday,

‘Yeah, I decided to birth a short story. I don’t know, maybe if it goes well I might turn it into a novella or possibly a novel. We will see. There a couple of publishing nurses I was thinking about shopping it around too, but you know it’s so hard nowadays with all the HMO Blogs and the Affordable Health Care Self-Publishing Services nowadays…the completion is fierce. Dr. Mom says I should go for it. She says I have always had the writing cervix for it, so I figure…what the hell? How hard could it be?’

So now I’m hunched over, cradling this one ear baby as I try find some inspiration. Do you know how hard it is to waddle around with a one ear baby dangling between your legs? Starbucks won’t serve you in this condition.

I tried.

“Um yes…I would like a Mocha Machismo Skinny Carmel Al Pacino Latte, Extra Froth, Double Lid, please.”

“Sorry, we only serve Hipsters, Accomplished Writers, and Moms here.”

“Really?! Since when?”

“Do you know you have a one eared baby hanging between your legs?”

“Yes! I guess I’ll go to Café McDonalds instead.”

“Good, and you might want to be careful! You’re banging that baby against your leg every time you take a step…on its good ear.”

Writing sucks.

It’s also hard to sleep with a one eared baby between your legs. It’s annoying. The thing is always crying,

‘Feed me! Finish me! Fix my ear! Change my sentence structure, its dirty! Where’s my Starbucks?’

I can’t get you Starbucks, its only for clever people, clever people that can sit down and bang out a 92,000 word novel in two hours and its sequel over tea with the Queen of England while inking the movie rights to Steven Lucas del Toro.

I can’t even fix your ear. I’ve tried. I tried hot glue, duct tape, cookie batter…

Then it comes down to the point of:

Do you just live with this baby head, ignoring it for the rest of your life?

Or

Do you take a Samurai sword to it, aborting it into the digital trash can, never to see the light of day again?

Or

Do you keep pushing, hoping the rest of it comes out alright? You know, two arms, two legs, a feasible plot line, a cute little belly button romance perhaps…or at least an “innie.”

(“Outies” are so in your face.)

Or

Do you just put a gigantic hat over it, covering it up, and call it, “taking a break.”

If you could see all the gigantic hats I have in my drafts folder, you would call me a whore.

More often than not I want take this one eared baby between my legs and punch it in the face and scream at it,

“I hate you one eared baby! Things were going to well! Why did you have to have only have one ear?! Do you think Steven King ever produces a one eared baby? No! How about Tom Clancy? I think not! What about J.R.R. Tokien? I’m pretty sure all the Hobbits had two ears and that extra ‘R’ in his name stood for Radical!”

Whoever invented writing hates puppies.

So why do it? Why write? Why bother?

I don’t know. These thoughts just get inside my head and I feel the need to put them on paper regardless if they are good, or bad, or rambling…or stupid. Does everyone else in the blogisphere actually really enjoy doing it? Am I the only one that hates it? I would rather sit on the couch and eat jalapeño Cheetos and watch really bad reality television than write…but I know my brain will turn to mush.

Well…mushier.

Mush potatoes.

McMush potatoes.

Now to be totally honest, there was no point to this except I’m stuck at a point in my story called, “Fatty McFat Fat Fat” and I needed to take a break. I decided to continue the birthing process, be it good or bad, or if it has one ear or three…so thank you for listening for a minute.

I feel better.

I’m going to waddle out of here now, please stop staring at the baby head between my legs.

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53 Responses to “Which Would Win In A Fight…Writing Or Child Birth?”

  1. Word Journeyer December 9, 2013 at 10:12 AM #

    I hate summoning the motivation, dislike starting, increasingly enjoy the process and feel an incomparable sense of joy at having finished. But that feeling doesn’t last long until I’m back at hate. Yes it’s a strong word, but it is a word after all.

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 3:12 PM #

      I hear you, I think it’s like that for most of us.

  2. Sean Smithson December 9, 2013 at 10:16 AM #

    This is brilliant. Keep pushing my friend. Keep pushing…

  3. Blogdramedy December 9, 2013 at 10:23 AM #

    Yeah. Writing is like giving birth. Posting is like putting the child up for adoption. You just hope they’ll find a happy home.

  4. silkpurseproductions December 9, 2013 at 10:34 AM #

    It frightens me that you can describe what it must be like to give birth to a baby better than I can. I am woman…I should know this stuff.
    Your title reminded me of a story with a character named Fatty McCaffy it was narrated by James Earl Jones. It was brilliant. If I could figure out how to send it to you I know when you listened to it it would inspire you for your story.

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 10:50 AM #

      I would like that, but I would have to listen after I finished mine.

  5. Krishnan P Nair December 9, 2013 at 10:37 AM #

    Ha Ha. I hope your baby turns out fine, and that you get to sell it.

  6. Carrie Rubin December 9, 2013 at 10:46 AM #

    Love the analogy, and for the record, if your male chromosome could birth a child, well, you’d have the biggest best-selling nonfiction book out there…

    When a particular story isn’t going well for me, I tend to cover the thing in a hat and take the sword to it after a long break. But I’ve found the longer and more detailed my outline, the less likely I am to feel like I’ve only half-delivered the product.

    Great post.

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 10:51 AM #

      I know I’m supposed to outline, but I prefer the seat of my pants thing.

      • Carrie Rubin December 9, 2013 at 10:58 AM #

        So does Stephen King, so you’re in good company.

      • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 10:59 AM #

        Cool! My writing hero as a kid.

      • Carrie Rubin December 9, 2013 at 11:04 AM #

        Mine, too. And even though I don’t read all his stuff anymore, he still ranks right up there in my book.

  7. Sarah Angleton December 9, 2013 at 1:54 PM #

    Having birthed a couple of babies I can without doubt tell you that writing is much worse. That’s mostly because unlike in the literal birthing process, mind altering drugs don’t actually make the process go more smoothly. Trust me on this. Go ahead. Go back and read through the last thing you wrote while drinking. It’s not very good is it? Though I suppose an epidural might be useful because at least you couldn’t get up out of your chair so you’d have no choice but to stay at your computer and write. Yep, that’s what you need. An epidural. A writer’s best friend.

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 2:31 PM #

      You should market those…you’ll make millions.

  8. Al December 9, 2013 at 2:21 PM #

    I’ve never given “birth” to a great blog, but I’ve posted my share of abortions.

  9. brickhousechick December 9, 2013 at 2:35 PM #

    I kept having to re-check your name and picture to make sure you were not a woman! I’m new to your blog and follow you on twitter. 🙂 This was brilliant! You described it so perfectly! I’m re-tweeting!!

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 2:42 PM #

      Even though I have four kids I will not pretend I know the pain first hand…thank you for the retweet!

  10. The Bumble Files December 9, 2013 at 6:40 PM #

    Well, Chris, this was a fun, creative interlude! Was it not? You’re so funny, I’m wondering if you are being serious. Hmm? Sometimes it’s good to take a break on a project if you are at a dead end, and work on something else. You could try that. I’m with you. Writing is hard. Make no mistake about that one!

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 7:03 PM #

      But you make it look so easy!

      • The Bumble Files December 9, 2013 at 7:22 PM #

        Oh, thanks!! That kind of made my day. Well, I think it’s hard too!

  11. ksbeth December 9, 2013 at 9:45 PM #

    you will need some strong drugs stat and we will have that baby delivered in no time.

  12. Southern Sea Muse December 9, 2013 at 9:58 PM #

    You sound about 3 cm dilated – keep pushing! I assure you, birthing four-10 pound babies was easier than any quality writing I’ve ever done. I wish somebody would figure out what stork could ghost-write me a good story. Here, have a cigar!

    • Christopher De Voss December 9, 2013 at 10:00 PM #

      You’re going to go far… By the way which one is Pink? (sorry, you brought the Pink Floyd forth with your last sentence.)

  13. Maddie Cochere December 9, 2013 at 10:42 PM #

    Do what I do. Have a c-section.

  14. stuffitellmysister December 9, 2013 at 11:56 PM #

    Pure cleverness. Push on….no epidurals. 🙂

  15. Ned's Blog December 10, 2013 at 3:03 AM #

    Just so you know, Chris, I would be proud to sit and have coffee with you and your one-eared baby.
    Or we could stand.
    Either way, I don’t care about the stares we would get — you for your dangling baby, which I’d suggest naming “Participle,” or me for wearing a t-shirt that says “Ask me about Lamaze” — because the writer’s birthing process is as natural as breastfeeding. Although I’m not sure I could stick around for that.

    • Christopher De Voss December 10, 2013 at 6:26 AM #

      I would be honored as well. Perhaps we could start a club.

      • Ned's Blog December 10, 2013 at 8:55 AM #

        The Dangling Participles Club.
        I like it.
        And the embroidered jackets would be awesome.

  16. David Stewart December 10, 2013 at 4:55 AM #

    This is one of the most brutally honest and graphic descriptions of writing I’ve ever read. I hate to carry the metaphor further and think of all the abortive attempts at stories I’ve had over the years. As for the novel I’m currently working on, I’ve been in labor with it for about two years now and want the whole ordeal over with soon. Good luck with Fatty McFat Fat Fat. 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss December 10, 2013 at 6:27 AM #

      Thank you, you too. I will be first in line to buy your novel.

      • David Stewart December 10, 2013 at 6:34 AM #

        Thanks. The current one needs to be fully born and grow up first, but I have another one that’s ready to graduate from…publication university…not sure how far this metaphor goes.

      • Christopher De Voss December 10, 2013 at 6:40 AM #

        All the way to death…

  17. omawarisan December 10, 2013 at 10:09 AM #

    Yeah, but everyone loves a baby.

  18. jacksonzombie December 10, 2013 at 9:49 PM #

    This made me laugh out loud. I’d definitely choose writing over childbirth – you can’t drink bourbon when you’re in labor to make it more enjoyable.

  19. Sarah Angleton December 12, 2013 at 1:23 PM #

    I have nominated you of the One Lovely Blog Award. I really enjoy your blog and I think others will, too. If you’d rather not bother with an award, please feel free to just accept this as a compliment. You can check out the post here: http://wp.me/p2ppTK-QR

  20. samara December 21, 2013 at 2:01 AM #

    “Cranial Vagina”? I can die a happy woman now…

  21. kizzylee December 23, 2013 at 11:54 AM #

    hmm writing deffo easier and it doesn’t leave you with a bucket fanny which after four kids i am telling you it is like the channel tunnel down there! last birth the doctors went down there with torches lost them for half an hour! see writing doesnt involve losing doctors on the birth canal,
    loved this my friend my fave bit of writing from you
    have an excellent holidays and new years
    xx

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