The Do-Over Fund

18 Nov

There should be a time in everyone’s life that you get a do-over, especially if you have totally messed up your fiances…but not on purpose, mind you…

I really need a do-over.

I was thinking…

I don’t really understand the whole concept of the value of money anyway.

We print these little pieces of paper, all made from the same type of paper, and place different denominations on them. Some have a little 1 on them, some have a 5…some have a 100…we like those…those 100s. Now, it’s my understanding that you’re not allowed to add zeros to the ones that only have a 1 on them and turn them into 100s, although they are printed on the same type of paper. It would be nice if you could do that when you need too. Basically, when it boils down to it, if you were able to erase all the print on a 1 dollar bill and a 100 dollar bill then the paper is worth the same amount of money.

Nothing.

Well, maybe it would have the value of toilet paper.

I’m told that it’s not actually the value of the paper itself, but it’s what is backing that paper…which is gold and silver, maybe diamonds and other shiny stuff from the ground*.  What makes this shiny stuff from the ground so valuable?

I’m not quite sure.

After you brush the dirt off of it, it’s pretty. Is pretty enough to be a value? If it was, I would be able to spend Angela Jolie the next time I ran into her.

“Hey, how much for that hammock?”

“Why, that’s two Angela Jolies.”

“Damn, I only have half an Angela Jolie on me…”

“Really? Which half? Maybe we can make a deal.”

Now I know when the Pilgrims or Romans or Ancient Egyptians or Dinosaurs were first finding the shiny stuff in the ground, it was a lot harder to find. Thus making it more valuable. They didn’t have the luxury of using backhoes and that big crane looking truck that pounds the pole into the ground over and over…

What is that thing anyway?

What is that thing called anyway?

So…yeah…the gold and stuff was a lot more valuable. It was also harder for them to make charm bracelets out of the gold because they needed a big hairy sweaty guy to pound it out** on an ACME anvil with a big fire blasting forge behind him.

Which is why he was always sweaty. Maybe they should have invented the oscillating fan sooner then they did. I know they weren’t around because you never see an oscillating fan in movies that feature the medieval blacksmith.

Nowadays we can dig quickly and more freely.

Maybe we have found all the gold already…I don’t know. What I’m getting at is that these pieces of paper are just pieces of paper, and gold is just a shiny metal that we, the humans, have placed a big value on. What else I’m saying is, I’m broke and rambling.

Do you think aliens from another planet think gold is valuable?

So back to my original thought, I need a do-over fund. Just something like 200,000 of those little pieces of paper with the ones on them, nothing super crazy. I just want to get out of debit, buy a couple of cars for my kids, move to a smaller house, and maybe go on that cruise that my wife mumbles about in her sleep. Apparently it’s called the Allure and they have a Broadway production of Chicago on it. I would prefer if it had a Broadway production of Book of Mormon, but you know…whatever! It’s a cruise!

I don’t have to be so wealthy that I don’t have to work anymore, I just need a reset. Everyone should have one opportunity to reset.

Now what of those that don’t have to reset, like they are in a good place financially. Then they should be rewarded too, maybe with a couple of life bonus options:

Option One: You get to eat for free in any restaurant at least twice a week. Whatever you want. Just don’t forget to tip the waiter on whatever the bill would have been or you forfeit this reward.

Option Two: Ladies: Free Pedicures and Manicures for 10 years. Guys: Free season tickets of your favorite sports team for 10 years. (Go sports!)

Option Three: You get your own daytime TV talk show.

Option Four: Free oil changes for life.

Option Five: You get a street named after you, like a real long street, not just a cul-de-sac or an alleyway.

Option Six: A movie will be made of your life and it will be directed by Peter Jackson and have Leonardo DiCaprio in it, that way it will be extra long.

You get to pick two out of six options by the way.

 
 
*This has not been researched in any way. Please do not take any of this as fact.
**Snicker
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34 Responses to “The Do-Over Fund”

  1. Mrs. DeVoss November 18, 2013 at 9:03 AM #

    So, do I also get a do over fund? Cause if I do than we actually would be pretty well off and then I think we both should be able to pick two of the six options… I know I’d pick eating out and pedicures. Wait.. Am I being too greedy? I really just want my cruise!

  2. javaj240 November 18, 2013 at 9:05 AM #

    Oh, wow. A restart would be nice, wouldn’t it?

    I’m fairly certain we’ve been off the gold standard for quite some time. I’m no economist, but I do recall there was a pretty famous speech made by William Jennings Bryant in, I think, 1896 — it was called “The Cross of Gold” speech. In it, he warned that going off of the gold standard (minting only the amount of paper currency that we have gold to back it with) would destroy our economy. I’m almost positive nobody listened.

    Not that I’ll ever be in a position to exercise your options, but, if I am someday, I want option 2 and 3. Mark that down, would ya?

    • Christopher De Voss November 18, 2013 at 9:10 AM #

      Noted. (and my disclaimer at the bottom of the piece covers my inaccuracies.)

      • javaj240 November 18, 2013 at 2:55 PM #

        Oh, I wasn’t faulting your “inaccuracies”, LOL. It’s just not that often that I’m given the opportunity to use my history degree or my limited knowledge of economics while harkening back to the “Cross of Gold” speech, LOL! Thanks for that!

      • Christopher De Voss November 18, 2013 at 3:24 PM #

        Oh, OK… Cool!

  3. floridaborne November 18, 2013 at 11:06 AM #

    The option I would want? To have my children’s student loans paid off. It’s all just digital money anyway.

    Our money hasn’t been backed by gold or silver since it became a federal reserve note. Basically, the paper circulating is only worth what we as a society believe it is worth. I have no doubt that the US government would love a budgetary do-over, but making us believe that digital money is worth something is their second choice.

  4. Katie November 18, 2013 at 12:14 PM #

    I think the Do-Over fund is a great idea. We could totally regulate it with limits and stuff. Like you only get one Do-Over every three years unless your Do-Over was necessitated by some bona fide disaster.

    • Christopher De Voss November 18, 2013 at 1:13 PM #

      It’s a one time thing, so you have to make it count!

  5. Carrie Rubin November 18, 2013 at 1:09 PM #

    “Why, that’s two Angela Jolies.”—hahaha. Switch it to Daniel Craig, and I’m with you.

    Can I add a 7th option? A home chef? That would be swell.

    Thanks again for your email. Appreciate it!

  6. silkpurseproductions November 18, 2013 at 1:18 PM #

    A financial reset works way better than a fiance for me. At first I thought you were rethinking the wife.
    I could really use that financial do over. A lot of things would be different. I figure with two of us we get to choose 4 of the six options. That works for me too.

  7. The Bumble Files November 18, 2013 at 1:19 PM #

    Yes, I need a reset. No, none of this stuff is valuable. Just think zombie apocalypse, Chris. If we don’t need it then, it really doesn’t matter much. Am I right? Your options are good ones. Hard to choose. I like the free meals and manicures. Can’t complain about that! You would always have something to look forward to.

  8. herdthinner November 18, 2013 at 10:50 PM #

    “I don’t have to be so wealthy that I don’t have to work anymore.”

    I do. I’ve even taken long, complicated career assessments to see what career would suit me best, and they came out to: “This person really does NOT enjoy having to work.” (It’s the “having to” part that’s key)

    But, that being as unrealistic as all get out, I’d pick option one: the free food one. Option six: I don’t want the movie to be about ME, but about the stories I write.

  9. Southern Sea Muse November 19, 2013 at 12:27 AM #

    Go pedicures! And sports. Can’t we have both? I mean, there’s no better time to paint those piggies than during a yawner of a halftime when you know ‘Bama’s already crushed the opponent. Love the reset concept – the world needs more hope than it currently offers!

    • Christopher De Voss November 19, 2013 at 6:22 AM #

      I’m not a sports guy, but you’re right about the world. Maybe it just needs love, sweet, love…

  10. Blogdramedy November 19, 2013 at 4:09 PM #

    Would so love a reset. And a reboot.
    Of my bootie. *smirk*

    • Christopher De Voss November 19, 2013 at 4:39 PM #

      The title of your next book.

      • Blogdramedy November 19, 2013 at 4:48 PM #

        Subtitle: the ass end of plastic surgery

  11. David Stewart November 20, 2013 at 9:24 AM #

    Life really needs save points, doesn’t it. Of course, then I save at some point I really liked and keep resetting it back to then. Everyone else would be mad I kept resetting time again and again.
    I think I’d choose Option 1 (at the risk of getting fat) and Option 4 since I’m way too pragmatic. If there was one there for free weekly massages I’d totally take that one though.

    • Christopher De Voss November 20, 2013 at 9:30 AM #

      I’m sure you could trade out for the massages…

  12. rayworth1973 November 20, 2013 at 11:45 PM #

    Just give me the shiny stuff… in ingots. Something I can trade for more numbers in my bank account.

  13. thysleroux November 24, 2013 at 2:41 PM #

    Brilliant post!!!

  14. sothislife November 25, 2013 at 7:46 PM #

    I want a reset too. I want 2 and 3. Cruises are boring.

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