The Action Hero Lists

5 Aug
Action Heroes Favorite Weapons…
1) Guns
2) Knives
3) Humor
4) Dynamite/bombs
5) Box Office Receipts 
 
Why Action Heroes Would Not Make Good Car Wash Attendants… 
1) They tend to crash cars
2) They tend to blow up buildings
3) They tend to not hold jobs long
4) They tend to blow up cars too
5) They tend to hate their boss
 
Top 5 Animals Action Heroes Hate…
1) Snakes
2) Sharks
3) John Malkovich
4) Walruses 
5) Dogs
 
Things Action Heroes Like To Jump…
1) Cars
2) Bodies of Water
3) Canyons
4) The Leading Lady
5) Buildings
 
Songs Action Hero Like To Listen To…
1) Jump – Van Halen
2) Grenade – Bruno Mars
3) Cuts Like A Knife – Bryan Adams
4) Anything by Guns And Roses
5) We Don’t Need Another Hero – Tina Turner
 
Best Action Hero Choices…
1) Bruce Willis
2) Arnold Schwarzenegger
3) Harrison Ford
4) Steven McQueen
5) The Rock
 
Worst Action Hero Choices…
1) W.C. Fields
2) Bill Gates
3) The Drummer From Def Leppard
4) Grumpy Cat (from the internet)
5) Pee Wee Herman
 
A Sampling* Of The Best Action Movies…
1) Die Hard
2) Speed
3) Enter The Dragon
4) The Matrix
5) Terminator 2
 
Games Action Heroes Like To Play…
1) Risk
2) Solitaire
3) Hide And Go Seek
4) Beer Pong
5) London Bridges
 
A Sampling Of The Worst Action Movies (but you’ll watch them anyway)…
1) Point Break
2) Face/Off
3) Spider-man 3
4) Howard the Duck
5) Sharknado
 
Best Action Hero One Liners….
1) Yippie Ki Yay Mother Fucker! – Die Hard
2) Say Hello to my little friend!  – Scarface
3) I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubble gum! – They Live
4) Hasta-la-vista baby! – The Terminator
5) Always bet on black! – Passenger 57
 
Worst Alarm Clock Sounds For An Action Hero…
1) Bombs
2) Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Theme Song
3) Bad Guy Explaining His Plans
4) 60 Minutes TV Show Clock Ticking
5) Samuel L. Jackson Reading Dr. Suess’ Hop On Pop
 
Why I Would Not Make A Good Action Hero….
1) I don’t look good in a wife beater
2) I can’t decide on a cool looking logo
3) I’m lazy
4) My catch phrase is, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
5) I need to eat. You never see action heroes eat.
 
*I said sampling, I did not mean these were the only ones!
 
 
 
 

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35 Responses to “The Action Hero Lists”

  1. David Stewart August 5, 2013 at 9:25 AM #

    Now I kind of want to see The Expendables, except with all the people on your Worst Action Hero list. They could call it the Undependables.

    • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 9:29 AM #

      Actually The Expendables was really good. It’s worth seeing.

      • David Stewart August 5, 2013 at 8:59 PM #

        I’ve only seen the second one, actually. It was decent.

  2. tarnishedsophia August 5, 2013 at 9:31 AM #

    I am glad you included that little disclaimer at the end. I was going to lay into you for neglecting to mention the A*Team, in any incarnation, on your list here. 😉

    • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 9:34 AM #

      Completely subjective! Plus I limited myself to 5, which is hard, since I’m a fan of the genre.

      • tarnishedsophia August 5, 2013 at 9:36 AM #

        Fair enough. But at least if you included them you could eat. The movie has them drinking anti-freeze margaritas and eating steaks…Yum! 😛

      • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 9:43 AM #

        I had that for dinner last night….

      • tarnishedsophia August 5, 2013 at 10:10 AM #

        Sounds delicious… 😉

  3. El Guapo August 5, 2013 at 9:49 AM #

    Surely in the Games section, russian roulette should have made the sample.
    (It’s how we know the action hero is filled with emotion.)

  4. unfetteredbs August 5, 2013 at 9:58 AM #

    Box office receipts? Tis true you never see them eat ?

    • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 10:11 AM #

      I know! I would be like, you guys want to stop fighting and get some Chinese or something?

  5. Carrie Rubin August 5, 2013 at 12:00 PM #

    “3) John Malkovich”—Hahaha, that made me laugh out loud. And it’s true, action heroes never eat. Or pee or sleep.

    Great post!

  6. ksbeth August 5, 2013 at 1:25 PM #

    great post )

  7. silkpurseproductions August 5, 2013 at 3:42 PM #

    Great list. One could even say a hero of a list. Of course one would then have to hang their head and slink away.

  8. whiteladyinthehood August 5, 2013 at 5:57 PM #

    I love action movies – I’ll have to check out Enter the Dragon. (your list was super funny)

    • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 6:29 PM #

      Bruce Lee…a classic.

      • whiteladyinthehood August 5, 2013 at 6:29 PM #

        I can’t believe I’ve never seen this one!

  9. Ervin Sholpnick August 5, 2013 at 10:00 PM #

    I once made a turn without using my blinker…. I’m an action junkie.

    • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 10:03 PM #

      Only if you flipped your car over, narrowly escaping as it blew up behind you, all the while hot on the heels of the bad guy…

      • Ervin Sholpnick August 5, 2013 at 10:05 PM #

        Well…. uh….I was late for a pedicure and really had to go to the bathroom… Does that count?

      • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 10:07 PM #

        Yes…it the 70’s action flicks.

      • Ervin Sholpnick August 5, 2013 at 10:11 PM #

        I was driving a 1974 Gremlin Super Sport…

        Only a true Afro cool 70’s action hero, drove those.

      • Christopher De Voss August 5, 2013 at 10:13 PM #

        True that!

  10. night owl August 6, 2013 at 1:21 AM #

    You had me at John Malkovich….

  11. denmother August 6, 2013 at 12:13 PM #

    I don’t know, Christopher De Voss. I think you have an excellent action hero name. Something to start with anyway. Go with a tie dye wife beater, that way you can easily excuse yourself from any action on an off day by posing as just another pacifist hippie hangin’ out.

  12. rayworth1973 August 7, 2013 at 12:17 AM #

    Sharknado and Roddy Piper Rock!

  13. Sandee August 7, 2013 at 12:27 AM #

    “Worst action hero choices, W.C. Fields” — bahahahaha!

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