Emptying The Drafts Folder

27 May

I know it’s hard to believe that some ideas on this blog stay in the drafts folder.

It may look like I hit publish on everything I write regardless of:

content
quality
comedic value
or grammatical errors…

…but truth be told, I do reject some ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Not all ideas that don’t seem to be going anywhere, mind you…just some.

So, for your viewing pleasure, here are some of the posts that never made it to the light of the internet:

Obviously written around Christmas time. The Batman part came easy due to the parody song…but then…no other Super Heroes have Christmas parody songs! What’s up with that? Who decided that only Batman was going to get a Christmas parody song and no one else?! What about Spider-man? Doesn’t he deserve a Christmas parody song? I think he does…mostly becaise I could have finished more of this post if he did:

In Line At A Target With Super Heroes And Villains, After Christmas

Hello! This is Bob Mathewson from Channel 28 News. Today we are at the local Target where the Super Heroes and Super Villains of the world are in line to return some their Christmas presents.

So let’s work our way through the line and see if we can get any of them to show us what they are returning and why.

First I see Batman and it’s quite obvious what he is returning. Batman has a whole shopping cart filled with deodorants, in all shapes, sizes, and brands. Batman do you care to comment on why you’re returning all of these deodorants?

Batman: Frankly, yes! Yes I would! It’s just a parody song, people! Just a stupid take on Jingle Bells! I don’t smell! You don’t think with all of the super cool gadgets that Morgan Freeman invented for me, that he didn’t think of a built in roll on deodorant for the bat suit? Come on, people! Use your heads! Every freaking year! It’s not funny anymore!

Mathewson: I see where that would get old, yes. I see your young ward, Robin is behind you pushing a shopping cart filled with throat lozenges…

Batman: Also not funny. I need to disguise my voice people! You don’t need to know who I am! And if you are going to send me throat lozenges…ha ha…not! I don’t like cherry!

Mathewson: Fair enough. Moving on. Oh look, it’s Spider-Man. Spider-Man, what are you returning today?

Spider-Man:

—–

This one had potential to keep going, but I think the joke would have gotten old way before the post wrapped up. Plus with the last business listed, it was going places it probably should not be going:

Bad Business Combinations

Strip Club/Karaoke Bar

Tax Preperation Service/Funeral Home

Fish Market/Gynecologist

—–

This is a prime example of the premise being way funnier then any execution. I think this would have been one long post of puns that very quickly would have become predictable:

Trying To Get Directions On The Worst Named Streets Ever

“Um, excuse me…do you know how to get to Boner Lane?”

“It’s pronounced Booner Lane.”

—–

This one was funnier in my head. You know the Christmas song, ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’? I pictured a bunch of Angels running around singing the word, Hark! Only the word, Hark! Picture it. It’s funny, but it does not translate to paper:

Hark!

…the herald angels sing …

Hark!

Hark!

—–

This is truth written right here. I didn’t finish this post because I didn’t want to sound like a gigantic bah-humbug. I just think we can do better in this celebration song:

The Most Uncomfortable Song In The World

I now submit to you, the most uncomfortable song in the world, unless you are under the age of eight:

Happy Birthday

I think as a nation, we need a new Birthday song. No one truly likes this song. The next time you sing this song to a stranger or loved one, look at their face.

Are they enjoying it?

No, their face is all scrunched up, in a fake, tight-lipped, forced smile, pretending to enjoy this pre-blow-out-the-candles-and-finally-eat-some-damn-cake tradition.

And the song itself so repetitive. Who wrote this thing?

“OK, OK, so far all I got is: Happy Birthday to you…what should be the next line? Wait I got it, I’ll just keep repeating that, and then say the person’s name to help break it up…and then…crap, just say Happy Birthday again in case they forgot what we were singing about.”

“What if you don’t know there name?”

“Ummm, I don’t know. Just uncomfortably mumble something I guess.”

—–

Another combination post. I didn’t finish it because in order to get the jokes, you have to know who the Super Heroes are, and I got too lazy to explain and google images:

Bad Super Hero Team Ups

Superman and Good Luck Bear

Edward Scissorhands and Bubble Boy

Magneto and Iron Man

—–

This…I admit…is just a big, unfunny, mess. Enjoy!

The Emoticons Put On A Play

Scene I Act I

🙂      :o)      :c)

Scene I Act II

😀      😀     😦

Scene I Act III

:@      >:O     :-O

Scene II Act I

>;)

Scene II Act II

}:)     o/\o

Scene II Act III

|;-)     😥     :-###..

Scene III Act I

:’-(      😥     :’-)     :’)

Scene III Act II

<:-|

The End

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35 Responses to “Emptying The Drafts Folder”

  1. floridaborne May 27, 2013 at 9:45 AM #

    I especially liked “Boner Lane” entry. It reminded me of my favorite advertisement of all time. A man in his early 20’s is sitting in a prestigious looking office interviewing for a job, a go-getter out to conquer the world. He says he wants to work for “Dumbass and Dumbass.” The man behind the expensive desk says in a dry, businesslike tone, “The name is Dumas and Dumas.”

    Whoops.

    • Christopher De Voss May 27, 2013 at 10:05 AM #

      I remember that one too. The guy was so smug…until the end. 🙂

  2. G May 27, 2013 at 9:57 AM #

    I did smile and shake my head yes with the Birthday Song draft. That one is a winner in my book.

  3. gswaterman May 27, 2013 at 10:08 AM #

    Holy bat dung, Robin! These are better than some of my posts! Nah, that’s not it …

  4. gswaterman May 27, 2013 at 10:09 AM #

    Get the hell off me Magneto … I can’t reach my laptop! Sheesh, that’s not even funny …

  5. gswaterman May 27, 2013 at 10:10 AM #

    Hark! Hark! Freakin’ Hark, already! There, that’s it.

  6. kotikojafaridze May 27, 2013 at 12:05 PM #

    Reblogged this on kotiko jafaridze.

  7. silkpurseproductions May 27, 2013 at 12:53 PM #

    Your “rejected draft” ideas are funnier than most peoples published content (including mine). I have to admit as a young child I use to like to run around screaming “Hark” at the top of my lungs during the Christmas season. My Mom could just say, “Isn’t she being a good little Angel?” There was never a response.

  8. peachyteachy May 27, 2013 at 2:07 PM #

    Most of my good ideas have fled my consciousness before I have a chance to even start. I should start writing stuff on my hand. Or sending myself text messages. Or just go dumpster diving for some of yours (crediting you, of course).

    • Christopher De Voss May 27, 2013 at 2:11 PM #

      Try using an app called Evernote. Connects to your phone tablet, and computer. Can’t live without it.

      • peachyteachy May 27, 2013 at 2:25 PM #

        I knew that the subject of apps would be coming up! Are you suggesting that the hand thing is too old school? My phone gets pre-menstrual when I want to use an app like “Let’s make a phone call” app, or the cutting edge “Send Chris a text.” But I will try. I will try.

      • Christopher De Voss May 27, 2013 at 3:22 PM #

        Trust me. http://evernote.com/

  9. The Bumble Files May 27, 2013 at 4:46 PM #

    Chris, all really funny. My favorite is the birthday song. Ha ha. I like your play, too. You have a lot of material!

  10. gingerfightback May 28, 2013 at 4:52 AM #

    That play could have been written by Beckett.

  11. David Stewart May 28, 2013 at 5:32 AM #

    Great idea, showcasing all your could-have-been posts. I loved the Bad Superhero match-ups, especially Superman and Good Luck Bear. I’d read that comic.

    • Christopher De Voss May 28, 2013 at 8:08 AM #

      Haha! Me too! Seems like the comic book people went through a couple years of weird team-ups…

  12. ksbeth May 28, 2013 at 6:48 PM #

    these are great, i think it would be so funny to see everyone’s drafts and i’m sure it would be clear why most of the posts never made it to print. thanks for sharing )

  13. Monk Monkey May 29, 2013 at 6:42 AM #

    OK, so Boner Lane and the play at the end are gold. Two golden thumbs up. The rest gets a thumb up too! And the Hark thing gets a toe up!

    • Christopher De Voss May 29, 2013 at 7:56 AM #

      I knew you would like the Hark thing best!

      • Monk Monkey May 30, 2013 at 4:37 AM #

        Christmas needs a shake up and you are the maracas!

  14. Andrew May 30, 2013 at 12:18 AM #

    Wait, Iron Man and Magneto aren’t friends? I thought opposites attract?

  15. BrainRants May 30, 2013 at 9:47 AM #

    You know some of these are good, dude, with just the next step… like karaoke-STYLE strip club… the audience pics stripper music and then… hilarity… or put your zombies in a funeral home/blood bank/organ transplant service and harvesting center.

    • Christopher De Voss May 30, 2013 at 9:56 AM #

      I need to hire you as a consultant.

      • BrainRants May 30, 2013 at 9:59 AM #

        I require cash, bacon, Coors Light and flying chinchillas. Sometimes porn.

      • Christopher De Voss May 30, 2013 at 10:06 AM #

        Chinchilla porn. Gotcha.

  16. Pixie Girl May 31, 2013 at 7:07 PM #

    Well I found Boner Lane very funny ;]

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