Spongebob To Golf And Back

25 Mar

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’ve been sick.

It was much more worse two weeks ago.

On Sunday I sat in a chair and just let the kids do whatever they want. My plan was to either:

A) Sleep and not move until I felt better


B) Die.

The 6 year old’s plan was to watch endless hours of Spongebob Squarepants on the DVR.


She did.

I did too.

Eventually she moved on to her karaoke machine to sing One Direction’s What Makes You Beautiful. (Her own special version.)

I watched the rest of Spongebob with the One Direction song blaring in the other room. The episode ended and clicked off of the DVR, leaving me with Golf…and the TV remote across the room on the couch.

In my sick state, it might as well have been in Iceland.

Or Greenland.

Or Mordor.

Or Mordorland.

Even though I live in Florida, I’m not a golfer. I tried a couple of times. I had a lot of fun too, until the greenskeeper yelled at me to stop racing the other golfers in the golf carts, and that I needed to actually play the game of golf. I got kicked out when they found out I didn’t even have a set of golf clubs with me.

I have never watched golf on TV before…

I found it boring to play, so I doubt I would find it much more stimulating to watch.

I was wrong! It was quite actually entertaining to watch. Now it could have just been the fever boiling my brain that made it so fun to watch, but regardless I was hooked for the afternoon.

First question that popped into my head…who decided it was a good idea to take the smallest ball possible and try to shoot it into a hole four miles away? This is where mini golf is better, because the hole is only 4 feet away and you get to travel through a windmill.


I think orginally the Scottish invented golf as a joke on everyone else.

“Ah, laddies! Here is a new sport…(hee hee). Try to take this itty bitty ball and put it in the hole way yonder there! You can’t see the hole, but trust me…it’s there. Swing this metal stick against the ball. Oh, and you can only do it in three tries or less. If not, you have to throw that tree stump around!”


Second question: How close are the golf announcers to the actual golf players in order that they have to talk like yoga instructors? I watched the golfers move from hole to hole…without golf carts mind you, no racing for these guys…but when they cut back to the anouncers, they didn’t seem to move at all…yet still talked like they were trying to put me in a trance.

For some reason after watching this telecast, on certain key words I will take off all my clothes and cluck like a chicken…but I don’t want to talk about it.





The most impressive thing about watching golf on TV….the cameramen! They can follow that teeny tiny golf ball from swing to water hole. I wonder if you have to go to special golf cameraman school for that?

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

Golf cameramen get to race golf carts.

At the very end Tiger Woods won, which I guess doesn’t happen very often anymore…. ?

I don’t know.

People seemed excited about it. The strange thing was, was that Tiger Woods’ caddie slapped him on the butt like a football player! That’s dangerous man! Give Tiger the right opening and he will have sex with you.

It's in the game.

It’s in the game.

21 Responses to “Spongebob To Golf And Back”

  1. Maddie Cochere March 25, 2013 at 4:05 PM #

    You are talking my language today, Chris! I am sick and miserable, and I think my eyes are broken. You are a good man to watch so much Sponge Bob.

    I used to watch golf with my dad. I don’t know if I liked it; I just liked being with my dad. When Tiger came on the scene, I started watching golf again. He did some amazing things with a golf club. I love watching, and have been know to let out a raucous cheer when a fantastic putt or amazing shot has been made.

    • Christopher De Voss March 25, 2013 at 4:11 PM #

      I still don’t get it, but I can appreciate the complex nature of any sport.

  2. The Bumble Files March 25, 2013 at 6:28 PM #

    Ha ha! My sister and my dad watch golf, and I never understood that. Now you’ve got me examining the whole thing, especially the camera person following around the ball and the announcers. Where are they anyway? In a hot air balloon?? I hope you’re feeling better, Chris.

  3. stuffitellmysister March 25, 2013 at 7:21 PM #

    I watch the end of golf each year when they are giving away that green realtor jacket. Well…that shows you how much I know about golf! I can honestly say I have never watched sponge bob….I am a mom of the purple dinosaur generation. So I did my time. Being sick stinks….but what I see is that you are a good daddy. Feel better soon, Chris!

    • Christopher De Voss March 25, 2013 at 9:05 PM #

      Thank you. I don’t even know what the green jacket is, so you are one up on me.

      • stuffitellmysister March 25, 2013 at 11:30 PM #

        and you probably care about as much as I do! 😉

  4. David Stewart March 25, 2013 at 8:20 PM #

    Golf is one of those slow sports I can watch if I have to. Not as good as baseball, but way better than watching poker.

    • Christopher De Voss March 25, 2013 at 9:04 PM #

      Hush! How can you not love poker?!

      • David Stewart March 26, 2013 at 5:38 AM #

        Poker’s fine, but like writing, it’s not really a spectator sport.

  5. gingerfightback March 26, 2013 at 3:31 AM #

    Must have been a bad fever for golf to become enjoyable

  6. Monk Monkey March 26, 2013 at 5:35 PM #

    I once met a Korean guy named Golf.

    • Christopher De Voss March 26, 2013 at 5:50 PM #

      Are you sure it wasn’t Gorf?

      • Monk Monkey March 26, 2013 at 10:52 PM #

        That would have been cool!
        No, he had a Korean name but to study here he chose an English name and he liked golf so he called himself Golf.

      • Christopher De Voss March 26, 2013 at 11:03 PM #

        That’s awesome!

  7. Ned's Blog April 2, 2013 at 6:08 PM #

    I still don’t understand why golf is a sport. It’s not. It’s a competitive activity, like darts or bowling. If it’s something you can do while drinking a beer and without raising your heart rate, it’s not a sport. I’m not saying it’s not challenging. But so is building a house of cards or stacking quarters on your elbow. To be honest, I’d rather watch either one of those than golf.

    • Christopher De Voss April 2, 2013 at 7:08 PM #

      ESPN 12 shows Stacking Quarters On Your Elbow Tournments every other 3rd Sunday.

      • Ned's Blog April 2, 2013 at 7:10 PM #

        I am so there. Seriously. I’m shaving my elbows to prepare for competition.

      • Christopher De Voss April 2, 2013 at 10:04 PM #

        That’s what it took?

      • Ned's Blog April 3, 2013 at 12:12 AM #

        One wrong hair follicle can mean the difference between victory and defeat. If you notice, all the top quarter tossers… practically hairless. I’m not a werewolf or anything, but having arm hair makes me the underdog. So to speak.

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