Dear Santa

24 Dec

Dear Santa,

It’s Christmas time once again, the streets are trimmed with tinsel and lights, the children are laughing and making their lists. Grandma and Grandpa are making their home made hot chocolate in both kid friendly and “Grandpa’s Snoring Medicine” versions. The babies are discovering for the first time the joys of Rankin and Bass Christmas specials while candy canes poke from their mouths. Their sticky fingers leaving prints on the glass table. Aunts and Uncles are preparing wonderful festive side dishes to bring to the big family feast. In the meantime the most succulent turkey is filling the kitchen with smells of tradition, and Christmas past, and hope of the coming year. Mom is wearing her Christmas apron which is dusted from flour of a thousand cookies that are cooling by the sink. She laughs at the mess of bowls with left over cookie dough stuck to the side, and licked clean spatulas, whisks, and measuring cups scattered to and fro. The sounds of holiday music fill the air, both timeless and familiar, where everyone knows the words to every song.

christmastree

I sit in my favorite chair with my favorite pipe, and hand stroking my chin, looking at the joyous abundance of family and friends. I reflect on this Christmas and Christmas of past, and come to this very profound and very true realization:

Santa…

You’re a dick!

I mean who do you think you are?! I worked and sweated and paid for all of this shit…and YOU get the credit?! What the hell?? Seriously! You have done jack shit except hock Cola products and wave in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with your glued on beard half falling off. In the meantime I have stressed and slaved to bring everyone, everything their little greedy hearts desired, despite the fact that December’s bills don’t go away. Why do I have to do this? Because you, my mythical non-existing friend, with your tales of god damn Christmas miracles have deemed it. Yet you don’t contribute one red cent to this incredible unrealistic pipe dream you have bestowed upon my children! Thanks fat man for that! Now I’m spending my lunch breaks eating only carrot sticks in order to be able to afford that $400 bike Little Timmy has always wanted because he “believes in you”!

snowman

My favorite is come Christmas morning, after 3 months of scraping and planning, which only lasts for about 10 minutes by the way, is how everyone thanks YOU!

Thank you Santa.

YOU. DID. NOTHING!

I did EVERYTHING!

I understand I gave you the credit since the beginning of my children’s verbal understanding of all things, but that is kind of been forced on me by society. It’s really a vicious cycle that has been going on for god knows how long…

christmasbells

Santa you’re a dick!

I could rant on and on, but instead I composed this song.

It’s called: Santa You’re A Dick

(Sung in the key of G*)

Santa, You’re A Dick
You get all the credit
You prick
I spend the moneys
You get the honeys
And your red suit
Makes me sick
 
Chorus:
Santa, Santa, You’re A Dick
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick
Dicky, Dicky, Dick, Dick, Dick
Because Santa
You’re A Dick!
 
The Bridge:
I slave and I save
And my children don’t appreciate it
They don’t understand my sacrifice
All they know come Christmas morn
Is all the presents wrapped up nice
 
Chorus:
Santa, Santa, You’re A Dick
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick
Dicky, Dicky, Dick, Dick, Dick
Because Santa
You’re A Dick!
 
(guitar solo)
(drum solo)
(bullroarer solo)
 
Your story makes no sense
With reindeer, trees, and ribbons
And a Jewish dentist 
Which I don’t get in my defense
So shove off dear Santa
Don’t shed a tear
I’m taking the credit
This year
 
Chorus:
Santa, Santa, You’re A Dick
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick
Dicky, Dicky, Dick, Dick, Dick
Because Santa
You’re A Dick!**
 
This will be performed by Willie Nelson and the ghost of Michael Jackson and released on Bitter Records. 

christmaswreath

 
*I’m not musically inclined. I really don’t know what that means.
**Not really mad at Santa, it’s just for comedy purposes. Please don’t bring me coal Santa! I’ve been good. I have!
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31 Responses to “Dear Santa”

  1. boomiebol December 24, 2012 at 8:04 AM #

    Haha !!!

  2. Cathy Ulrich December 24, 2012 at 9:13 AM #

    Oooh, you’re getting coal and some switches too! Ho, ho, ho!

    • Christopher De Voss December 24, 2012 at 9:21 AM #

      I know… 😦 I give in the name of humor.

      • Cathy Ulrich December 24, 2012 at 9:25 AM #

        A noble sacrifice for which we are truly grateful. 🙂

  3. lovely December 24, 2012 at 9:20 AM #

    I have felt that way forever! I never wanted to give any credit to that old bastard. Sigh….my daughter believes.

  4. Sandee December 24, 2012 at 9:56 AM #

    Love to see this performed by Willie Nelson and the ghost of MJ!

  5. Christopher De Voss December 24, 2012 at 10:30 AM #

    No, I need you to take the lead.

  6. MissFourEyes December 24, 2012 at 11:58 AM #

    I see a new Christmas carol in the making!

    • Christopher De Voss December 24, 2012 at 1:48 PM #

      Yay! I will be as famous as all those other Christmas Carol writers!

  7. Maddie Cochere December 24, 2012 at 12:00 PM #

    I just serenaded my husband with the chorus.

    • Christopher De Voss December 24, 2012 at 1:48 PM #

      Your husband is a lucky fellow. Merry Christmas.

  8. aliceatwonderland December 24, 2012 at 12:54 PM #

    This is my favorite Christmas song EVER. Dick, dick, dick, dick – I’ll be singing it while I – got that Santa, I – put the presents under the damn tree.

  9. calahan December 24, 2012 at 1:37 PM #

    I can only sing in the key of L and that’s not even a real key, so I worry I will do a disservice to your song.

    By the way, that song kicks ass.

  10. Adam S December 24, 2012 at 3:45 PM #

    There’s a little bit of me in all of this…

  11. GiggsMcGill Jill December 25, 2012 at 2:38 AM #

    Merry Christmas! And I totally got a Santa memo – he’s coming over.

    Don’t know if that’s good or bad though…

  12. stuffitellmysister December 25, 2012 at 11:56 AM #

    Thanks for the good laugh for hubby and I this Christmas Morning! And I hope you get more than coal….you deserve more! Merry Christmas!

  13. davidhardingblogs December 25, 2012 at 3:41 PM #

    Bull roarer solo?? Finally a song that allows me to use my special skills! Hey Ma! Those years of lessons are finally paying off!!!

  14. vyvacious December 25, 2012 at 6:41 PM #

    Please post a video of you singing this. Christmas present to me? THERE’S STILL TIME!!

    • Christopher De Voss December 25, 2012 at 6:44 PM #

      You don’t want to lose your Christmas dinner do you? It would not be pretty.

      • vyvacious December 25, 2012 at 6:46 PM #

        Luckily it’s only 4pm here and our family celebrates on Christmas Eve so I only got a sandwich in my belly – DO IT!

      • Christopher De Voss December 25, 2012 at 7:29 PM #

        Ok, prepare for the pain!

      • vyvacious December 25, 2012 at 7:31 PM #

        OH I WAS BORN READY.

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