All Is Lost

14 Dec

I lost my sense of humor today.

I was going to look for it, but I lost my motivation as well.

What’s the point anyway? I lost my sense of direction years ago.

So I’m just going to lay here in bed, probably needing to desperately take a shower. I don’t know if I stink or not…since I lost my sense of smell in the war.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was fighting the war, when I stopped to tie my shoelace. I put down my rifle , my bowing knife, my canteen of water, a package of bubble gum, my collection Nat King Cole 45s, my goldfish, and my sense of smell. Suddenly the bombs started going off over my head! I quickly grabbed everything, or so I thought, and ran. Later, back at camp, I would realize I left my sense of smell behind, lost forever on the battlefield. Hopefully, someone picked it up and is making good use of it. I would hate for it to go to waste, forever lost.

Sigh.

Back to present day though. I really need to start keeping better track of these things.

The other day I almost…ALMOST…lost myself. Wow! Talk about stupid. How dumb do you have to be in order to lose your whole self? I won’t bored you with details, but it involved the state of Wyoming, some bad directions to the library, and a penguin named Albert who loves a movie called Fried Green Tomatoes. I almost lost my will to live that day too, but I don’t want you to think I’m a total idiot.

I know. Too late.

Sigh again.

Crap!

I guess I should look for my sense of humor. I don’t want it out there, wandering the earth, bugging people for Peanut M&M’s and pocket change for the strip clubs.

The only problem is, as I swing these tired legs out of bed…I’ve come to realize, I’ve lost my socks.

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33 Responses to “All Is Lost”

  1. Daan van den Bergh December 14, 2012 at 7:57 AM #

    Life socks..

  2. Pigeon Heart December 14, 2012 at 10:17 AM #

    You could find it easily at your nearest public school. They always can use a few extra hands and hilarity abounds. Feel betta.

  3. Maddie Cochere December 14, 2012 at 10:27 AM #

    If your sense of humor shows up here for my M&M stash, I’ll call you so you know where to find it.

  4. Carrie Rubin December 14, 2012 at 10:51 AM #

    I wish I had the power to turn on and off my sense of smell. That ability would come in handy when I visit my teenage son’s room…

  5. The Bumble Files December 14, 2012 at 1:36 PM #

    You’re still funnier than me when you think you lost you sense of humor. Peanut M&M’s are a priority. I’m with you on that!

  6. calahan December 14, 2012 at 3:08 PM #

    I have your sense of smell, Christopher. I tried selling it on ebay, but it got sent back because the buyer, NoNose82, said it didn’t work. My dog buried it in the back yard, but I can track it down if you really want it back. It is pretty scratched up, though.

    • Christopher De Voss December 14, 2012 at 3:19 PM #

      That would be awesome…however if it’s already been picked clean, I don’t want it. Give it to a charity.

      • calahan December 14, 2012 at 3:25 PM #

        Oh, good idea! I can write it off on my taxes. The monetary equivalent for a used sense of smell is around $30-35, I think.

        Thanks, man!

  7. gingerfightback December 15, 2012 at 2:17 AM #

    Sorry to hear that have you looked down the back of the sofa?

  8. Storkhunter December 15, 2012 at 1:37 PM #

    At least you still have your dignity. I’ve lost mine ages ago

    • Christopher De Voss December 16, 2012 at 12:47 AM #

      Sorry. You can get a new one at Goodwill for dirt cheap.

      • Storkhunter December 16, 2012 at 4:31 AM #

        Dirt cheap dignity. Sounds about right

  9. davidhardingblogs December 15, 2012 at 3:46 PM #

    This is so typical of old geezers – going on and on and ON about what happened to them in the war like they are so special. Shut up already. Boo hoo you can’t smell or laugh or keep your feet warm anymore, go tell someone who cares like your nurse or grankids.

    • davidhardingblogs December 15, 2012 at 7:52 PM #

      You’re going to a ball? Do you even have a gown yet?

    • Christopher De Voss December 16, 2012 at 12:48 AM #

      War? Do you say war? Someone fetch me my gun, and my bag of Twizzlers, and my bubble gum!

      • davidhardingblogs December 16, 2012 at 5:49 AM #

        What? Your bubble gun? What kind of a dang fool war is this?

    • Christopher De Voss December 16, 2012 at 12:49 AM #

      On Tuesdays it’s corn night.

  10. Jen and Tonic December 15, 2012 at 10:29 PM #

    I was going to sell your humor on the black market, but decided it was better to just give it back to you. ‘Tis the season, or some shit like that.

    • Christopher De Voss December 16, 2012 at 12:50 AM #

      Ho, ho, ho! Whatever!

      • davidhardingblogs December 16, 2012 at 5:51 AM #

        Do you know what Santa drinks hen he’s thirsty? H2o! H2o! H2o!
        It’s that kind of smart humour that makes me loved and adored.

      • Christopher De Voss December 16, 2012 at 9:39 AM #

        Don’t forget to tip the wait staff, folks!

  11. gswaterman December 16, 2012 at 9:07 AM #

    I think I found one of them in my damn dryer – mauve argyle, right? Send me an address and I’ll mail it to you. Please remit one of mine to the return address. Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Christopher De Voss December 17, 2012 at 12:50 PM #

    High praise, my lady!

  13. GiggsMcGill Jill December 18, 2012 at 2:28 AM #

    As long as you don’t lose your hair. That stuff is impossible to get back – just ask the Rogaine guys!

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