Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes

23 Nov

Some updated nursery and/or sing-songy rhymes for the kiddies instead of the old Hey Diddle Diddle and the Hickory Dickory Dock of yesteryear…

Peanut Butter Peanut Butter
Pie Pie Pie
Peanut Butter Peanut Butter
Pie Pie Pie
Strawberry Shortcake
Kick Them In The Eye
Eye Eye Eye
Pat Them Down, Pat Them Down
Like The Airport Security Guy
Guy Guy Guy
Don’t Tip The Waiter
And You’ll Make Him Cry
Cry Cry Cry
Peanut Butter Peanut Butter
Pie Pie Pie
If I Had A Nickel
For Every Nickel I Had
Then I Would Have Double The Nickels
And You Would Be Sad
(This one would be one of those clapping/slapping hand games that little girls do.)
Four And Twenty Lawyers
Went To A Market
 In Their BMWs
For The Firm They Mark It
Then In Order To Get Ahead
They Piled Out And Said;
“One To Chase An Ambulance;
Two To Prey On The Elderly; 
Three To Sue The Land Owner;
And Four To Count The Money;
Of All They Cheated And Bled!”
A Mouse And A Piece Of Cheese
Went On Killing Sprees
While Playing Call Of Duty
Which Made Them Both Moody
Said The Mouse To The Cheese,
“I Do What I Please!”
And Gobbled Him Up
With The Greatest Of Ease.
Then The Mouse Leveled Up
Earning New Weapons And Stuff
While The Cheese
Was Farted Out
In The Breeze
 Death Metal Baby
Sitting In A Tree
Pierced All Over
From Head To Knee
He Fell From Branch To Branch
And Now His Nose Piercing 
Looks Like Three
Some praise for Humorist Christopher De Voss’ Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes:
“I don’t get it!” – A Random Child
“Weird and unnecessary. Children all over the world are sure to hate these, except those that live in Utah.” – The Modern Rhymer Magazine
“I laughed. I cried. I really loved this movie. Then I logged onto this web site and threw up my popcorn.” – Roger Ebert
“Nothing needed improving here…Mr. De Voss is obviously delusional. A fat head if you will! I would give my left nut to see him in jail!” – A Random Homeless Man Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Read.
“I thought it was funny, different, and a tad bit clever!” – An Imaginary Dragon That Lives In My Downstairs Coat Closet And Has A Pet Chicken As A Best Friend
“C’mon! Who doesn’t like Cheesecake?!” – The Cheesecake Factory
“Why is every letter capitalized?!” – Protesters For An All Lowercase Nation

39 Responses to “Some Modern Day Child’s Sing-Songy Nursery Rhymes”

  1. Christopher De Voss November 23, 2012 at 3:14 PM #

    Guys suck at those hand games… Well straight guys do…

  2. jayne ayres November 23, 2012 at 4:26 PM #

    Father Goose?! Nice to meet you. I guess, I can now understand why I never saw you in those illustrations with Mother Goose.

  3. Madame Weebles November 23, 2012 at 5:27 PM #

    The Peanut Butter one and the Death Metal Baby one really resonate with me. I think you’ve found your true calling.

  4. Sandee November 23, 2012 at 5:49 PM #

    I love the nickel one and the reviews cracked me up!

  5. saradraws November 23, 2012 at 6:29 PM #

    I thought it was funny, different, and a tad bit clever.

    • Christopher De Voss November 23, 2012 at 9:59 PM #

      Are you friends with my dragon?

      • saradraws November 25, 2012 at 8:48 AM #

        That sounds like a pedophile’s pick up line.

      • Christopher De Voss November 25, 2012 at 9:31 AM #

        Ouch…you’re right!

      • saradraws November 25, 2012 at 9:46 AM #

        Like you didn’t know.

  6. Bumba November 23, 2012 at 11:30 PM #

    “De Voss has sunk to new heights. His rhymes unfit even for children. Will failure spoil Christoher De Voss?”…….

  7. Daan van den Bergh November 24, 2012 at 2:05 AM #

    At least the Cheesecake factory agrees with me…

    • Christopher De Voss November 24, 2012 at 8:07 AM #

      The world’s largest menu…it’s like a blogger wrote it!

  8. gingerfightback November 24, 2012 at 2:16 AM #

    Death Metal Baby touched me in ways beyond words. Can we have some more please.

    • Christopher De Voss November 24, 2012 at 8:09 AM #

      Working on a whole book. The gimmick though is it’s written on paper towels.

      • gingerfightback November 25, 2012 at 4:43 AM #

        Great idea – another written on toilet roll, another on tissues……this is the new 50 Shades I’m yellin’ ya!

      • Christopher De Voss November 25, 2012 at 9:31 AM #

        You sir are a genius!

      • gingerfightback November 25, 2012 at 12:28 PM #

        Cheers – but you will have to be very careful not to smudge the ink. This’ll really test all those claims of super absorption as well as providing literary merit.

        As we say in the UK – Ernest Hemingway? – my arse

  9. Jen and Tonic November 24, 2012 at 3:28 PM #

    That first one just made me hungry. Now I need to go bake something. Oh, and the review section was freaking hilarious.

    • Christopher De Voss November 24, 2012 at 4:00 PM #

      Always hate to read my reviews, but they help me grow.

  10. The Bumble Files November 24, 2012 at 4:55 PM #

    I don’t get it! Random child…Ha ha. This will certainly screw up a bunch of children for years to come. Well done!

    • Christopher De Voss November 25, 2012 at 7:44 PM #

      It’s my job to spread my bad parenting skills everywhere.

  11. davidhardingblogs November 24, 2012 at 7:45 PM #

    I want some peanut butter pie! It sounds yummy! In my tummy! I will sit on my bummy! Then you can put it in my mouth, teeth and gummy!

    • Christopher De Voss November 24, 2012 at 11:13 PM #

      Add the whip cream
      And sing a song about ice dream
      While walking on a moon beam

      • davidhardingblogs November 25, 2012 at 2:12 AM #

        So sweet. You bring tears to my eyes and bile to my mouth…

  12. Maddie Cochere November 25, 2012 at 1:02 AM #

    “While The Cheese
    Was Farted Out
    In The Breeze”

    I have nothing witty to say. This line just strikes me as very funny.

  13. The Hook November 26, 2012 at 10:06 AM #

    Great work, buddy!

  14. Carr Party of Five November 26, 2012 at 1:34 PM #

    Dear Chris,
    O good Lord. You with children, and influencing them is a scary thought indeed. Although, I bet your kids have awesome sense of humors. My own husband, when the wee ones, were, well, Wee-ER….used to do…Read them this book we had…Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye….4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie…and on and on until it got to…The king was in his counting house, counting out his money, the Queen was in the garden (supposed to say, eating bread and honey)…but my husband would say, DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And at that point would stop the book and look pointedly at me. Who was doing absolutely nothing. heehee.
    Good times.
    Lis lis bo bis bananafana fo fis.

  15. becca3416 November 26, 2012 at 1:50 PM #

    The first one takes the cake…. or the pie?

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