To Market, To Market To Buy A…

21 Nov

Who’s in charge of those little extra hangy items that get purchased at the grocery store? You know the ones that hang off that Home Depot looking metal bar with the holes. I picture some guy going through a purchase catalog of random crap that companies decided to make with the concept of, “It seemed like a good thing at the time.”

I recently ran to the local…uh…don’t want to get in trouble here…so let’s say I ran to the local Small-Mart Neighborhood Market to pick up dinner when I got side tracked by these enticing buys:

It’s November, you’re growing your mustache, checking out the frozen turkeys amongst the 90% off Halloween decorations and the 100% markup Christmas decorations when you happen upon a display of American Flags. You never know when you are going to need to display your patriotism in miniature form, so thank you Small-Mart for making that available at any time of year…and for such a good price.

In this thing you put your wiener. Then you lift it’s body up by the tail and push it back down on your hot dog. It  slices it into bite size pieces for you. The dog dish in front of the slicer can be used to house ketchup for dipping. I guess it’s for little kids that don’t like buns, and like to be made fun of for their Rain Man/ADD ways.

If you are a man, and posing for a magazine…You are not allowed to smile. Ever. Side Note: Only in Florida can you find a magazine dedicated to Chickens. (It’s to the left of Joe Perry playing the guitar. At least the chicken was smiling.)

I know, I know. Black skin is sensitive to shaving…I get it. But “Bump Fighter”? Come on marketing! How about the Smoothinator or Black Ice! (I do feel lucky I can use any old razor without a problem.)

This Small-Mart has an all things ball section, which you can purchase both cotton and ping pong.

Jesus loves Jesus candles. Lots and lots of Jesus candles. (And it looks like someone snuck some KY Gel in the middle of them. Irony. It wasn’t me. I noticed that after I took the picture.)

This is some sort of Spanish Cod Oil vitamin. And in case you were wondering what cod is, there is a friendly Spanish boy to show you what died to make you feel healthier. It’s nice that it comes in Strawberry- Banana flavor and not Cod flavor. Hola!

This little innovation is an ice cream scoop where after you scoop, you can shake sprinkles (or jimmies depend on what side of the universe you are on) from the handle onto your frozen dessert treat. Now all they need is a chocolate syrup attachment.

Once again…marketing. I don’t need to see my colon to know that it is backed up. Really, really gross. That’s like putting a picture of a diseased liver on a vodka bottle. And what’s that on top of the sphincter? A horn? I like the variety of colors the pills come in though.

If you get bored today, come check out an article I wrote for TMRZoo.com HERE.

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34 Responses to “To Market, To Market To Buy A…”

  1. pelicanfreak November 21, 2012 at 3:21 PM #

    Thanks for the picture of Joe Perry. Yum. It’s hotter when he’s not smiling. Plus he’s kinda of a tool, he doesn’t smile much these days. I know that seeing that picture of a colon that looks like a freaky Caterpillar really has helped me out. I like colorful pills too 🙂

  2. pelicanfreak November 21, 2012 at 3:22 PM #

    Mmmmmmmm , strawberry banana flavored cod….

  3. La La November 21, 2012 at 3:24 PM #

    My favorite was the hot dog slicer because hot dogs are my favorite drunk food. However…I think that thing is for the laziest people on the planet because it’s not like kids are preparing their own dinners.

    • Christopher De Voss November 21, 2012 at 4:16 PM #

      Good point! Hot Dogs rock, just not in weiner traps.

  4. becca3416 November 21, 2012 at 3:31 PM #

    Imagine if you walked up to the register with the Chicken Magazine, KY AND Cod Oil, and the Jesus candle. Shit would get so real.

  5. Sandee November 21, 2012 at 3:59 PM #

    For the hurricane I finally got one of those Jesus candles — I had been eyeing them for ages. I’m afraid to use it.

  6. peachyteachy November 21, 2012 at 4:48 PM #

    Wow! This store is all about the presentation! Is the mag above “Chickens” “Assassin?” Or is it “Bassin’?” Either way, so awesome.

    • Christopher De Voss November 21, 2012 at 10:56 PM #

      I don’t know what that magazine is…probably a Spanish publication.

  7. aliceatwonderland November 21, 2012 at 6:38 PM #

    I never realized Small-Mart could be so hilarious. I need some soft, fluffy jumbo balls right now. And an American flag. My neighbor has a full size one on a flag pole in his yard, in case we forget what country we’re in. Thoughtful of him.

    • Christopher De Voss November 21, 2012 at 10:58 PM #

      Very thoughtful! At least it’s not the Old Dixie like some of my redneck neighbors fly.

      • aliceatwonderland November 22, 2012 at 6:47 AM #

        I’ve seen one or two plastered to a window. Like a racist window shade!

  8. The Bumble Files November 21, 2012 at 7:07 PM #

    Chris, I want to go shopping with you and I hate shopping. Hilarious!

    • Christopher De Voss November 21, 2012 at 10:59 PM #

      I hate shopping too, but I get easily distracted.

  9. David Stewart November 21, 2012 at 7:12 PM #

    Somewhere, there is a guy whose job title is “Executive Director of Extra Hangy Things”. Plus, yeah that colon stuff is gross. A good rule of thumb is don’t buy anything with a picture of an internal organ on it.

    • Christopher De Voss November 21, 2012 at 11:00 PM #

      Great rule of thumb! Also no pictures of the thing you’re eating.

  10. GiggsMcGill Jill November 22, 2012 at 3:13 AM #

    Instead of the “people of … smallmart” website, you should make an, “Items and Weird marketing of… Smallmart” website. 🙂

  11. MissFourEyes November 22, 2012 at 11:38 AM #

    For some reason to me the scoop n sprinkle looks like a cat’s pooper scooper.

    • Christopher De Voss November 22, 2012 at 11:59 AM #

      What would be in the handle then? Catnip?

      • MissFourEyes November 22, 2012 at 12:00 PM #

        A treat for being a very good kitty?

  12. Jen and Tonic November 22, 2012 at 5:28 PM #

    My mind is kind of blown at the realization that men don’t smile on magazine covers. How did I never notice this before?

    • Christopher De Voss November 22, 2012 at 5:58 PM #

      You were too busy looking at their bare chests.

  13. Andrew November 22, 2012 at 5:37 PM #

    If only Jesus candles gave off Jesus powers when you burned them.

    • Christopher De Voss November 22, 2012 at 5:59 PM #

      That would be cool, however Jesus candles do cover fart smells very well.

  14. Cordelia November 23, 2012 at 10:56 AM #

    I needs that hot dog slicer…

    • Christopher De Voss November 23, 2012 at 11:00 AM #

      I’m not sure if you and weiners are getting along here lately…

  15. peachyteachy November 23, 2012 at 2:51 PM #

    I have nominated you for a Liebster Award. It’s prestigious. Should you care to play along, check out my latest post.

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