Who’s in charge of those little extra hangy items that get purchased at the grocery store? You know the ones that hang off that Home Depot looking metal bar with the holes. I picture some guy going through a purchase catalog of random crap that companies decided to make with the concept of, “It seemed like a good thing at the time.”
I recently ran to the local…uh…don’t want to get in trouble here…so let’s say I ran to the local Small-Mart Neighborhood Market to pick up dinner when I got side tracked by these enticing buys:
It’s November, you’re growing your mustache, checking out the frozen turkeys amongst the 90% off Halloween decorations and the 100% markup Christmas decorations when you happen upon a display of American Flags. You never know when you are going to need to display your patriotism in miniature form, so thank you Small-Mart for making that available at any time of year…and for such a good price.
In this thing you put your wiener. Then you lift it’s body up by the tail and push it back down on your hot dog. It slices it into bite size pieces for you. The dog dish in front of the slicer can be used to house ketchup for dipping. I guess it’s for little kids that don’t like buns, and like to be made fun of for their Rain Man/ADD ways.
If you are a man, and posing for a magazine…You are not allowed to smile. Ever. Side Note: Only in Florida can you find a magazine dedicated to Chickens. (It’s to the left of Joe Perry playing the guitar. At least the chicken was smiling.)
I know, I know. Black skin is sensitive to shaving…I get it. But “Bump Fighter”? Come on marketing! How about the Smoothinator or Black Ice! (I do feel lucky I can use any old razor without a problem.)
This Small-Mart has an all things ball section, which you can purchase both cotton and ping pong.
Jesus loves Jesus candles. Lots and lots of Jesus candles. (And it looks like someone snuck some KY Gel in the middle of them. Irony. It wasn’t me. I noticed that after I took the picture.)
This is some sort of Spanish Cod Oil vitamin. And in case you were wondering what cod is, there is a friendly Spanish boy to show you what died to make you feel healthier. It’s nice that it comes in Strawberry- Banana flavor and not Cod flavor. Hola!
This little innovation is an ice cream scoop where after you scoop, you can shake sprinkles (or jimmies depend on what side of the universe you are on) from the handle onto your frozen dessert treat. Now all they need is a chocolate syrup attachment.
Once again…marketing. I don’t need to see my colon to know that it is backed up. Really, really gross. That’s like putting a picture of a diseased liver on a vodka bottle. And what’s that on top of the sphincter? A horn? I like the variety of colors the pills come in though.
If you get bored today, come check out an article I wrote for TMRZoo.com HERE.
Christopher De Voss 
Thanks for the picture of Joe Perry. Yum. It’s hotter when he’s not smiling. Plus he’s kinda of a tool, he doesn’t smile much these days. I know that seeing that picture of a colon that looks like a freaky Caterpillar really has helped me out. I like colorful pills too 🙂
I’ve met Joe Perry. He smiles in real life!
Mmmmmmmm , strawberry banana flavored cod….
Yum!
My favorite was the hot dog slicer because hot dogs are my favorite drunk food. However…I think that thing is for the laziest people on the planet because it’s not like kids are preparing their own dinners.
Good point! Hot Dogs rock, just not in weiner traps.
Imagine if you walked up to the register with the Chicken Magazine, KY AND Cod Oil, and the Jesus candle. Shit would get so real.
That’s exactly what I did.
For the hurricane I finally got one of those Jesus candles — I had been eyeing them for ages. I’m afraid to use it.
Only use it on Dec 21st, 2012
Wow! This store is all about the presentation! Is the mag above “Chickens” “Assassin?” Or is it “Bassin’?” Either way, so awesome.
I don’t know what that magazine is…probably a Spanish publication.
I never realized Small-Mart could be so hilarious. I need some soft, fluffy jumbo balls right now. And an American flag. My neighbor has a full size one on a flag pole in his yard, in case we forget what country we’re in. Thoughtful of him.
Very thoughtful! At least it’s not the Old Dixie like some of my redneck neighbors fly.
I’ve seen one or two plastered to a window. Like a racist window shade!
Chris, I want to go shopping with you and I hate shopping. Hilarious!
I hate shopping too, but I get easily distracted.
Somewhere, there is a guy whose job title is “Executive Director of Extra Hangy Things”. Plus, yeah that colon stuff is gross. A good rule of thumb is don’t buy anything with a picture of an internal organ on it.
Great rule of thumb! Also no pictures of the thing you’re eating.
Instead of the “people of … smallmart” website, you should make an, “Items and Weird marketing of… Smallmart” website. 🙂
Great idea!
For some reason to me the scoop n sprinkle looks like a cat’s pooper scooper.
What would be in the handle then? Catnip?
A treat for being a very good kitty?
My mind is kind of blown at the realization that men don’t smile on magazine covers. How did I never notice this before?
You were too busy looking at their bare chests.
If only Jesus candles gave off Jesus powers when you burned them.
That would be cool, however Jesus candles do cover fart smells very well.
Jesus is always helping people.
Always.
I needs that hot dog slicer…
I’m not sure if you and weiners are getting along here lately…
I have nominated you for a Liebster Award. It’s prestigious. Should you care to play along, check out my latest post.
Thank you. I will check that out.