Dairy Of A Wimpy Zombie

17 Oct

Dairy Of A Wimpy Zombie

8:00 am – Walked in a circle with some other Zombies. It was fun. I guess.

8:15 am – Three of us tried to chase and eat a squirrel. Squirrel was way too fast.

9:00 am – Walked in a circle some more. Don’t know why. Just feel the need.

9:19 am – Growled at a tree. Had to practice in case I see a living human.

9:23 am – Arm fell off. It had been hanging by a thread for awhile now. I will miss it. Oh well.

10:06 am – Saw three humans. Two big, one small. Shambled after them, but they were too fast. Almost got the little one though, grabbed it by the foot.

10:34 am – So hungry.

11:06 am – Saw a dead zombie by the side of the road. Don’t know how I feel about that…except I can’t eat it, which makes me sad.

12:00 pm – Two old people trapped in a car. Tasty! Got the small intestine all to myself! Score!

12:37 pm – Why do we walk in circles again?

1:15 pm – Saw a Coke machine. I miss Diet Coke. Can’t drink it anymore. It literally goes through me. Stupid gaping hole in my stomach.

1:23 pm – Starting to snow. Guess that’s one advantage to being a zombie. Don’t need a scarf or mittens…well, don’t need one mitten at least, seeing as I am down to one arm.

1:40 pm – Still. So. Very. Hungry.

2:15 pm – Got my leg caught in a fence. Now I’m stuck.

2:34 pm – Thinking about ripping off my leg, but I don’t want to have too many missing limbs. Those zombies are always last to the feast…when there is one.

3:00 pm – Still stuck…and hungry. Always hungry.

3:15 pm – I see some people coming this way. Good, because I’m stuck and hungry. I think it’s those three humans that got away earlier. Yay! Dinner!

3:35 – They are standing just arms length away from me. Wish I had my other arm back! It will help me look more threatening to be waving two arms instead of just one.

3:36 – One of them is pointing a large stick looking thing with holes on the end of it at my head. What’s that thing called again? My brain is so cloudy!

3:37 – So hungry! Why don’t you come closer?!

3:38 – ………………………………………

~Fin~

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40 Responses to “Dairy Of A Wimpy Zombie”

  1. Sword-chinned bitch October 17, 2012 at 3:21 PM #

    This made me have some serious zombie sympathy.

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:39 PM #

      Don’t. Zombies will eat you whether you sympathize with them or not.

  2. The Waiting October 17, 2012 at 4:06 PM #

    I would totally follow a zombie twitter feed if it were anything like this.

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:54 PM #

      Good idea…don’t know if I could take on another project though…not enough hours in the day…

    • Sword-chinned bitch October 18, 2012 at 8:14 AM #

      Hahaha!

  3. kizzylee October 17, 2012 at 4:09 PM #

    love it ^_^

  4. becca3416 October 17, 2012 at 4:25 PM #

    You should sell those drawings. The detail is immaculate.

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:50 PM #

      They are actually works by Deborah Leigh. I thought they were cool, and sort of fit the look of Diary Of A Wimpy Kid.

      • becca3416 October 18, 2012 at 12:07 AM #

        They’re cool Chris, I am just being facetious as usual.

      • Christopher De Voss October 18, 2012 at 12:08 AM #

        I know. 😉

      • becca3416 October 18, 2012 at 12:10 AM #

        I hope you know I know you know.

  5. The Bumble Files October 17, 2012 at 4:35 PM #

    Poor little zombie. There there. Very funny, Chris.

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:41 PM #

      Don’t feel sorry for the zombie. He tried to eat a child!

      • The Bumble Files October 17, 2012 at 11:52 PM #

        Oh, what’s gotten into me?! I still think he’s a compassionate zombie. It’s not his fault he’s a zombie…

      • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:57 PM #

        True.

  6. Doggy's Style October 17, 2012 at 5:59 PM #

    This somehow reminded me of that book The Zen of Zombie, don’t know why, it just did.

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:42 PM #

      Never read it. I was shooting for more of Diary of A Wimpy Kid. Weird.

  7. David Stewart October 17, 2012 at 8:34 PM #

    That’s awesome. I like the idea of a zombie chasing after a squirrel. Seems like way too much work for their little brains. So then, would the squirrel become a zombie?

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:43 PM #

      Some believe yes, others believe it’s only a human virus thing. Zombie squirrels are cool.

      • David Stewart October 18, 2012 at 1:59 AM #

        I keep having this mental image of them wandering around, paws out in front, squeaking, “Nuts…nuts…”

  8. Love and Lunchmeat October 17, 2012 at 8:54 PM #

    Dammit! Now I’m hungry too. Or was I already hungry?

  9. Fish Out of Water October 17, 2012 at 9:17 PM #

    If I was a zombie, this would be the kind of I would be.

    • Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:46 PM #

      Me too. I get stuck in fences all the time now!

  10. Christopher De Voss October 17, 2012 at 11:38 PM #

    Unfortunately. Aaaargh!

  11. davidhardingblogs October 18, 2012 at 4:24 AM #

    Um… There’s a definite book here. 200 more pages please.

    • Christopher De Voss October 18, 2012 at 10:48 PM #

      Ugh! This piece took me 5 years to write! I’m no Stephen King!

      • davidhardingblogs October 18, 2012 at 11:52 PM #

        I’m not asking for Stephen King, just Stephen Duke.

      • Christopher De Voss October 19, 2012 at 8:29 AM #

        I had to look up Steven Duke ’cause I don’t know who he is, but are you referring to the Transylvanian Prince, the guy who invented Google mobile, or the saxophone player?

  12. Pigeon Heart October 18, 2012 at 10:07 AM #

    ha! Your little shit neighbor sounds like he needs a noogie.

    • Christopher De Voss October 18, 2012 at 10:49 PM #

      Is this on the wrong post?

      • Pigeon Heart October 18, 2012 at 11:36 PM #

        ha! yes. how did that happen? *blushes* (cavewoman runs away…)

      • Christopher De Voss October 19, 2012 at 8:26 AM #

        ha ha 🙂

      • Pigeon Heart October 19, 2012 at 10:22 AM #

        it was in response to your interview w/ the HS kid. clarifying tings der.

  13. Maddie Cochere October 18, 2012 at 3:38 PM #

    I like this zombie. But (sigh) once again, just as I am drawn in and loving one of your characters …

  14. Jillian October 22, 2012 at 5:57 PM #

    Well no wonder he’s hungry all the time – if the soda would run out through a hole in his stomach, obviously the nourishing small intestines from the old couple did too! Shoulda used duct tape…

    • Christopher De Voss October 22, 2012 at 6:02 PM #

      Damn! Wish I thought of that!

      • Jillian October 22, 2012 at 6:04 PM #

        It’s the little details ^.^

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