The Way Too Literal Joke Writer

26 Sep
The Challenge:  Write the classic Two Somethings walk into a bar, and have those two somethings be fish.
The Contender: The Way To Literal Joke Writer
 
This was the submission:

Two fish walk into a bar…

No wait…

Fish can’t walk…

Two fish in fishbowls walk into the bar…

Well, the bowls can’t quite walk themselves…

They are going to need pulled by something…small…so the water doesn’t slosh out…like a hamster…or a gerbil…

Not a penguin…

They wobble too much. I don’t know where you would put a harness on a penguin anyway. Now that I think about it, a hamster is too small to pull two fish bowls…So let’s make it a pig. A teacup pig named Hamlet.

So…

Two fish in their fishbowls pulled by a teacup pig named Hamlet walk into the bar. And the bartender says…

Time out for a second here.

Just a personal observation on the ‘Walk Into A Bar’ joke flow.

Every time I walk into a bar, the bartender is never so quick to greet me. As a matter of fact, sometimes I have to send up a dozen flares in order to get the bartender’s attention at all!

“Hello! Bartender! Here to spend money! So thirsty! Hello?”

Anyway…

Two fish in their fishbowls pulled by a teacup pig named Hamlet walk into the bar, and wait for the bartender to notice them. When the bartender finally does, he says,

“Hey, we have never had two fish in a fishbowl pulled by a teacup pig named Hamlet come into the bar before. What would you guys like to drink?”

The teacup pig put his little hooves on the bar, looked at the bartender and said,

“Squeal! Squeal! Oink! Oink! Squuuuueeeaaal!”

The bartender looks at the pig and then says to the barfly sitting across from him,

“Did I just ask a pig what it wants to drink? I’m losing it!”

You know now that I think about it…fish don’t drink, they are already in water…and pigs will drink anything, but they don’t carry wallets…

Because sometimes wallets are made out of pigs…

You know what, this is stupid. Animals are not even allowed in bars.

Yeah….

Never mind.

28 Responses to “The Way Too Literal Joke Writer”

  1. Maddie Cochere September 26, 2012 at 3:52 PM #

    How did the bartender know the pig’s name was Hamlet?

    • becca3416 September 26, 2012 at 4:17 PM #

      Annnd the plot thickens.

      • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:48 PM #

        Annnnnnnd I think you’re drunk…not sure what you mean here.

      • becca3416 September 27, 2012 at 10:42 PM #

        Don’t say I am drunk just because you are. Yes, I am intox emq 09328 kd icated.

      • Christopher De Voss September 28, 2012 at 12:20 AM #

        Cheers!

    • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:46 PM #

      The joke writer said it was Hamlet…hey, it doesn’t have to make sense!

      • Maddie Cochere September 27, 2012 at 8:24 AM #

        It was a good joke. Maybe the pig had a collar with his name tag on it. 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss September 27, 2012 at 8:11 PM #

        You need closure on this, so yes! 🙂

  2. The Bumble Files September 26, 2012 at 4:16 PM #

    Loved it! This is why I have no business writing jokes…Anyway, this is way better than any joke I’ve heard.

    • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:47 PM #

      It’s not though, it’s really long and drawn out and goes nowhere…but thank you.

  3. La La September 26, 2012 at 4:41 PM #

    Gimmie that little pig!

    • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:48 PM #

      The pig is all yours!

      • La La September 26, 2012 at 11:53 PM #

        He better be a black pig.

  4. boomiebol September 26, 2012 at 5:27 PM #

    Poor pigs! They can never catch a break! Too muddy to be let into a NewYork bar lol

  5. H.E. ELLIS September 26, 2012 at 6:33 PM #

    Two fish walk into a bar…

    …because it’s Friday.

    Damn. Unless you’re Catholic you aren’t going to get this joke. Man I’m not funny.

    • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:50 PM #

      I get it. They come back out battered and fried.

  6. The Bumble Files September 26, 2012 at 7:54 PM #

    Chris, hey thanks for including my post in your Community Press. That’s really nice of you. Thank you!

    • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:52 PM #

      You’re welcome. I have to admit it’s automatic from the last things I liked on WordPress.

  7. Pigeon Heart September 26, 2012 at 8:07 PM #

    all in the delivery

    • Christopher De Voss September 26, 2012 at 11:53 PM #

      Too bad the delivery doesn’t include a box of donuts.

  8. Rhonda September 27, 2012 at 9:20 AM #

    didn’t know flies could drink either. (barfly) ha! stick to zombies christopher…hey, you should’a had zombies bringin’ in the fish! silly man

    • Christopher De Voss September 27, 2012 at 8:10 PM #

      Two zombies walk into a bar, neither one gets a head…

      • Rhonda September 27, 2012 at 11:11 PM #

        ha! now THAT is a joke i can stand behind (ha!)

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