Bad Novel Beginnings

14 Sep

These are some of  my failed attempts at writing a novel. I would basically start the story, but somehow write myself  into a corner where I was unable to proceed any further.

It’s too bad five sentences can not be considered a novel.

Bad Story Start One:

The streets were empty, because everyone moved away. Literally, everyone. Not a single person or creature lived in this town anymore. So….yeah. Nothing really happens any more….at all.

Because the town is deserted you see…

Empty.

To be continued?

Probably not.

My novel about a small town that went bust after the major factory that everyone worked at closed. It was supposed to be about the struggles of the common man and family and doggies.

—–

Bad Story Start Two:

Julie had been studying ballet for 16 years, and now a small trip and fall from the stage had put her in the emergency room. Her ankle was currently in a temporary cast as she waited for the doctor to come in.

He did after just a couple of minutes, although it felt like hours.

“Hi, Julie,” he said. He was rather cute, thought Julie. She had high hopes.

“Well,” said the doctor. “Got some bad news. You will never dance again.”

“Oh,” said Julie and started to cry.

“There’s more,” said the doctor. “We actually have to remove every limb from your body and put you in medically induced coma.”

“What? Why?!” screamed Julie.

“Shhhhh!” said the doctor from the movie, The Human Centipede.

And that’s what they did.

So….well. Julie never danced again…or even woke up.

This novel was supposed to be about the struggles of a ballerina, who hurts herself in chapter one, then works hard through chapters 2-10 to come back to dancing. Then finally in chapter 15, she becomes the star again. I guess I don’t know how the world of ballerinas, doctors, and/or comas work.

—–

Bad Story Start Three:

The End.

This was supposed to be a clever novel written backwards, a la Memento…but as you can see…not a good idea.

—–

Bad Story Start Four:

The Zombies ate everyone. Then they ate each other.

Ooops. My zombie apocalyptic novel should have been drawn out a little more. I just felt like cutting to the chase.

—–

Bad Story Start Five:

Don’t read this story. I only wrote it to get paid.

This is why I shouldn’t drink and try to write novels at the strip clubs.

Or maybe write period. Or maybe I should learn to use periods in my writings. Do stripper’s get periods?

I don’t know.

Where does one buy boob glitter anyway?

I’ve looked at Target for a boob glitter aisle and I just can’t find it. I think it would be hilarious if I went to Target in a V-neck t-shirt while wearing boob glitter on my sexy man pectorals. I would need a murse with a puppy in it to complete the look, but every time I do that, La La steals my puppy. I don’t want to gay out on this, not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m just thinking it would funny.

Does boob glitter and chest hair look sexy together even?

Anyway, new videos every Wednesday, subscribe to my channel by clicking the Subscribe button above.

Oops. Sorry. Been watching a lot of Video Blogs lately. They always say that at the end of the video. I know I’m sort of late to the dance on this video blog thing, but if I didn’t look like if Frankenstein and Cruella De Vil (the Glen Close version) had a baby together, I might consider doing it.

I sort of went off topic as well.

Sorry for that too. This whole post kind of sucked anyway.

Anyway, new postings every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Click the Follow Me button on the upper right to receive this crap in your email…check your spam folder if you don’t see it. 

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45 Responses to “Bad Novel Beginnings”

  1. becca3416 September 14, 2012 at 4:07 PM #

    You think THOSE are shitty book ideas? You should see mine… or you shouldn’t.

    • Christopher De Voss September 14, 2012 at 11:40 PM #

      If you’re willing to share, I’m willing to look.

  2. Maggie O'C September 14, 2012 at 4:36 PM #

    I can go find my journals from jr. high with my novel starts. I just might do that just for you so you know that you don’t suck worse at writing than a 13 year old girl in the 70s.

    • Christopher De Voss September 14, 2012 at 11:39 PM #

      I don’t know. It’s hard to compete with a 13 year old from the 70s. Think of the made for TV movie possibilities your journals might produce.

    • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 9:42 AM #

      I’m pretty sure E.L. James is a 13 year old from the 70s because she writes like a goober and also knows nothing of recent technology. You should just publish your journals, only add in a sex scene or something.

      • Maggie O'C September 17, 2012 at 1:41 PM #

        well there’s tomorrow’s post!

  3. Karen September 14, 2012 at 4:51 PM #

    I dunno. Individually, sure, they seem kinda bad. But maybe if you combined them all into a giant ball of suck? Say it’s actually a ballet company in the town that shuts down in Bad Novel #1, and it’s the ballerina in Bad Novel #2 that’s thrown out of work, and then the zombies from Bad Novel #4 come to town, and finally, of course, Bad Novel #3 (The End).

    And I’m thinking that strippers probably take some of those never ever never get your period again birth control pills, but you’ve got me wondering what the did before those became available.

    • Christopher De Voss September 14, 2012 at 11:31 PM #

      Good idea. Maybe the SciFy Channel will make it into a movie.

      Strippers are funny.

      • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 9:44 AM #

        You know the sci-fi channel would do that. They showed that Corman movie Sharktopus.

      • Christopher De Voss September 17, 2012 at 10:00 AM #

        Half Shark/Half Octopus?! Sign me up!

      • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 10:03 AM #

        It’s like one of those awful horror movies from the 50s and 60s only with some modern bad actors and computer special effects that are horribly done. You can’t go wrong with Roger Corman flicks.

      • Christopher De Voss September 17, 2012 at 10:09 AM #

        No you can’t. It will be missing the random boob flash on sci-fi which will make it fall short of great B movie status.

      • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 10:11 AM #

        Yes, the random boob flashes. And the stupid dance numbers to pad the film. I’ve seen several of his movies on MST3K.

      • Christopher De Voss September 17, 2012 at 10:13 AM #

        Love MST3K!

      • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 10:15 AM #

        They are the best. I wish they had more of their stuff on DVD, but at least you can get some on youtube. My favorites are the Swedish ones – so freaking goofy (Jack Frost and The Day the Earth Froze). And for naked skin, you can’t beat Outlaw that even stars an embarrassed Jack Palance.

      • Christopher De Voss September 17, 2012 at 10:25 AM #

        I’ll check it out…although I’m not sure if I want to see Jack Palance naked.

      • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 10:26 AM #

        Haha, he’s not naked, but he does wear a very stupid hat – he’s supposed to be some sort of wizard priest or something. It’s hilarious.

  4. Madame Weebles September 14, 2012 at 5:14 PM #

    I dunno. I kind of like them. Who says stories need to be lengthy? In these ADHD times of ours, maybe this is just the ticket.

  5. Maddie Cochere September 14, 2012 at 5:52 PM #

    You’ve been writing flash fiction. Now that you’ve published it on your blog, accolades will come.

  6. Bumba September 14, 2012 at 8:09 PM #

    Some very fine non-starters. Camus has a character in The Plague who is continually stuck on his opening sentence.

    • Christopher De Voss September 14, 2012 at 11:23 PM #

      Like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day?

      • Bumba September 15, 2012 at 12:52 AM #

        No. Just a writer with writer’s block in Algiers during a deathly plague. I never liked that book much. I love some of Camus’ other works. I was trying to imitate Camus when I started my novel. Something to strive for.

      • Christopher De Voss September 15, 2012 at 8:42 AM #

        I’ll check it out. Thanks.

      • Bumba September 15, 2012 at 11:59 AM #

        Check out the Stranger, A Happy Death, Exile and Kingdom, the First Man.

  7. Christopher De Voss September 14, 2012 at 11:28 PM #

    How can he not look up? He is missing out. I look forward to my glitter package.

  8. The Bumble Files September 15, 2012 at 2:59 AM #

    You are on a roll here, Chris. Go for the glitter. The strippers can help out the ballerina. What do you think. Of course, you can add zombies at any time.

  9. David Stewart September 15, 2012 at 5:15 AM #

    I had an idea to write a story from the end, as in number 3. “The End” was as far as I got too.

    • Christopher De Voss September 15, 2012 at 8:37 AM #

      Yes. Seems like a good idea in your head…but on paper…meh.

      • David Stewart September 15, 2012 at 10:02 AM #

        I’ve got a whole file full of story ideas that fit that description. Of course with some of them, it’s hard to know if they’re good or not until you try to write them down.

  10. Cakes and Shakes... September 16, 2012 at 10:11 AM #

    #2 is particularly awesome because I just tried (and failed) to watch Human Centipede the whole way through but I gave up when the dude crapped in Part 2’s mouth for the first time. Guess I’m delicate like that. Coulda beena contender though, plot wise! Perhaps you need some first hand experience of ballet 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss September 16, 2012 at 10:19 AM #

      You didn’t miss much after that. (Human Centipede) My oldest daughter is well on her way to becoming a professional ballerina…or some dance career. I live in Orlando, so there is plenty of job possibilities…shows, theme parks…

      • Cakes and Shakes... September 16, 2012 at 10:39 AM #

        Hehe… the key word is ‘career’, right? Dancing is a great occupation of kids’ time though, that or hawking for dough on the streets for the family food kitty. It only works if the kid is cute though…

      • Christopher De Voss September 16, 2012 at 11:31 AM #

        I got a cutie.

  11. aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 9:47 AM #

    I have a huge colletion of unfinished stories that I put in a file labeled – unfinished stories. It’s rather large now. There’s even some vampire stories. No stories with zombies yet, though. Maybe that is what I’m missing. That and body glitter.

    • Christopher De Voss September 17, 2012 at 9:59 AM #

      Zombies make all stories better. Pride and Prejudice sucked until they added zombies.

      • aliceatwonderland September 17, 2012 at 10:01 AM #

        I think Twilight would have been ten times better if they had made Edward a rotting zombie instead of a glittery vampire.

      • Christopher De Voss September 17, 2012 at 10:13 AM #

        Good call!

  12. Love & Lunchmeat September 18, 2012 at 7:52 PM #

    Zombies do make all stories better. Add zombies to story #2 and you’re golden. Bonus points if you can get a character with an IQ over 20 to have sex with a zombie. Everyone is ALWAYS having sex with vampires, but sadly no one ever has sex with zombies. That’s probably why they’re always so violent. That and they’re zombies.

    • Christopher De Voss September 18, 2012 at 9:47 PM #

      And their body parts may fall off if you have sex with them…

  13. Dotty Headbanger September 19, 2012 at 12:16 PM #

    Dear Chris,

    You’re rushing your novels. I’m still working on mine – I haven’t got bored yet because I’m taking my time over it. Focus. That’s what you need.

    Love Dotty xxx

    • Christopher De Voss September 19, 2012 at 1:21 PM #

      But Dotty, you have only written like what…two words?

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