The Not-So Magic Genie

10 Sep

Would you believe I found a magic lamp?

I did.

It looked like a stereotypical magic lamp…short and squat, long curly handle, and that snaky s-curve spout in the front.

So…….I rubbed it.

And rubbed it.

And spit-shined it.

And rubbed it between my legs…

Which was a bad idea, it looked like I was humping a snake that had just digested a rat…

So instead I rubbed it using my feet…

Then under the armpit…

Which seemed to do the trick because  suddenly a small puff of smoke coughed out of the spout, followed by another small puff, followed by a long billowy stream. This was followed by some small sparkler type explosions, and a disco ball type circling blinding light, and ending with an apparition of The Commodores singing, “Brick House”.

When the smoke, lights, and music cleared, a floating image appeared. It looked like a cross between the genie from Disney’s Aladdin and Elijah Wood as Frodo.

“I am the Genie of the Lamp,” he boomed just like all the Genie’s boom when they emerge from lamps. Wouldn’t it be funny if Genies lived in teapots. Then they would say, “I am the Genie of the Teapot!” Or better yet, what if we updated the whole Genie thing and they lived in USB Drives, “I am the Genie of this 40 gig USB Drive!”

Anyway, the Genie continued,

“I will grant you one wish…”

“Hey!” I interrupted. “I thought it was three! What happened to three??!”

The Genie smirked. “It’s been cut back to one. There is a lot that has changed in the Genie world. We are unionized, less wishes, less hours, better health insurance. The government came in and gave us a whole new set of rules and regulations. In some respects it sucks to you the Genie consumer, but it has been most beneficial to us, the Genie laborers.”

“Oh,” I say.

The Genie crosses his arms in typical genie style. “You should know all the yada yada, but I’m required to say it anyway…except now there is a whole slew of new rules…so I’ll just go over the basics. If something comes up foul, I’ll let you know. Sooooo….no wishing for more wishes, no bringing anyone back from the dead, and no making anyone fall in love. Got it?”

“Got it! I wish for a billion dollars!”

The Genie frowns, “Ok, I should have known that was coming. That’s…um…one of the new rules. No money. Throws countries into financial depression. All of this sudden money flooding the market with no gold to back it up kind of thing. I can’t grant you anything over 100 dollars without an IRS agent present…with an IRS agent present…no more than 2000 dollars.”

“Gee,” I scratch my head. “That’s not really going to do much. How about a new Ferrari?”

The Genie smiles. “No problem. I do need proof of insurance, import tags, and registration.”

“I wouldn’t get all that included?” I ask.

“No, you would need to wish for that.”

“I wish for that, then,” I say.

The Genie laughs and says, “You only have one wish, remember?”

“Damn you!” I say and shake my fist. “Ok, then….I wish for an elephant!”

Genie shakes his head. “Anything that requires a permit is out, such as elephants, fishing boats, buildings, entire Broadway show productions, strippers, farmer’s markets, etc.”

“People wish for farmer’s markets?” I ask.

“People wish for all sorts of things. Most of which I can’t grant anymore.”

“How about toys?” I ask.

“Copyright laws.”

“Food?”

“Health code laws.”

“Naked women?”

“City code laws.”

“What kind of wish can you grant?!” I scream.

The Genie pauses. “I can grant you one origami wish.”

“An origami wish?” I sputter. “You mean the ancient art of Japanese paper folding?”

“Yes!” The Genie says triumphantly.

“Do I need to supply the paper?” ask I.

“Yes!” The Genie says triumphantly.

I find a piece of paper and the next thing I know, after a huge cloud of smoke and quite possibly some grape Kool-Aid powder thrown in, the Genie disappears and I am left with this:

Gee, thanks!

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25 Responses to “The Not-So Magic Genie”

  1. becca3416 September 10, 2012 at 3:48 PM #

    Looks like frogami. I don’t like frogs.

    • Christopher De Voss September 10, 2012 at 5:38 PM #

      It is a frog. A paper frog. If you press on his butt, he hops. If you press on my butt, I don’t hop…but I’m not made of paper…I’m made of plastic.

      • becca3416 September 10, 2012 at 5:44 PM #

        I wouldn’t even press a paper frog butt. The hatred runs deep. A plastic non frog? Eh, maybe.

      • Christopher De Voss September 10, 2012 at 9:52 PM #

        Right on my tramp stamp.

      • becca3416 September 11, 2012 at 9:07 AM #

        I hope it says “press here”. Simple instructions go a long way.

      • Christopher De Voss September 11, 2012 at 10:00 AM #

        It actually says, “For a good time, turn over.’

        Seemed like a good idea at the time….

      • becca3416 September 11, 2012 at 10:07 AM #

        Well, isn’t someone just too clever.

  2. Doggy's Style September 10, 2012 at 3:48 PM #

    It could have been the Kool-Aid man breaking your wall and no granting you a single wish.
    Now you just need to kiss the frog, just in case.

    • Christopher De Voss September 10, 2012 at 5:39 PM #

      I’ll try that. I will even make-out with it if I think it would help.

  3. Christopher De Voss September 10, 2012 at 5:36 PM #

    I know! Creepy Elijah. We are going to have to have an intervention.

  4. David Stewart September 10, 2012 at 6:21 PM #

    Dang modern genies, with their unions and regulations! That’s not how the founding fathers envisioned genies.

    • Christopher De Voss September 10, 2012 at 9:51 PM #

      Founding fathers were lax on their Genie policies. Now look at us!

  5. Bumba September 10, 2012 at 10:49 PM #

    Terrific.

  6. dekater September 12, 2012 at 7:39 AM #

    Christopher De Voss—I love the way you think. 😉

    • Christopher De Voss September 12, 2012 at 7:57 AM #

      Why thank you, but I try not to think to much. Gives me headaches.

      • dekater September 12, 2012 at 8:21 AM #

        I know what you mean… 🙂

  7. Love & Lunchmeat September 12, 2012 at 9:05 AM #

    Even the genies are being regulated now? I seriously think we might need to start out own country.

    This story rocks, BTW. And I’ve always suspected that genies look more Frodo-ish than Barbara Eden-ish. Is there a way to send you zombie bling? Will I go to Spam for sending you picture links?

    • Christopher De Voss September 12, 2012 at 9:16 AM #

      Thank you. I would love some zombie bling. It should not go to my spam.

      • Love & Lunchmeat September 12, 2012 at 9:28 AM #

        Okay, but check your spam just in case…

      • Love & Lunchmeat September 12, 2012 at 9:40 AM #

        They are image URL locations, and seem to work best as widgets.

      • Christopher De Voss September 13, 2012 at 9:17 AM #

        Thank you again. I put it up on the lower right hand side with link. I will display it proudly.

  8. Love & Lunchmeat September 12, 2012 at 9:29 AM #

    These are links to your (personalized) zombie bling.

    You can grab any of the other zombie bling off my blog too. You don’t have to link it back to me. I’m not that much of an egomaniac, and no one is going to sue you because they’re my original images. LA Toy Museum, apparently there’s nothing they won’t make a museum for…

    • Christopher De Voss September 12, 2012 at 11:26 PM #

      Thank you. Had to wait until after work to view them. I think I know where I will display them, and you deserve credit, so I will surely add a link.

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