The Le Clown Blogroll Hunger Games

2 Sep

Le Clown steps up the microphone. Half of his face is done in full clown makeup, half of his face is not. He surveys the crowd before him.

The room is filled with bloggers, a hush falls over them as the figure of Le Clown looms over them from the raised stage at the end of the room.

He clears his throat and taps the microphone.

“Welcome to the Le Clown Blogroll Hunger Games! And now a short film to remind everyone the history of how we got to this point.”

The room darkens and a screen descends from the ceiling. A projector whirls from the back of the room.

Morgan Freeman’s voice is heard over a picture of Le Clown standing with his hands on his hips, as fighter planes fly overhead.

“This is the Le Clown Blogroll Hunger Games. In the beginning all was good. MySpace ruled the internet in peace and harmony. Then the Uprising happened. Fractions like Facebook, LinkIn, and Twitter tried to take over the interwebs. They won. MySpace was no more. Out of the ashes of this new world arose WordPress. WordPress brought peace to the web by keeping the duck-faced-bathroom teenagers to Facebook, and the one-line douche bags to Twitter. WordPress needed a leader to keep everyone in check, and birthed Le Clown out of a rather small VW with 20 of his brothern. Now that peace rules the land, the Uprising needs to be remembered so it never happens again. Thus, Le Clown created the Blogroll Hunger Games. Two tributes, a male and a female will be chosen from the districts of WordPress…two from the family bloggers, two from the ranters, two from the comedy bloggers, two from the sex bloggers…no three from the sex bloggers because that will be sexier…two from the poets, the fiction writers…and two from the photographers. Here they will fight to the death for the honor to represent their district on Le Clown’s Blogroll. The highest of honors for any blogger, and untold riches and fame will be theirs.”

The lights suddenly come back on and the screen raises into the ceiling. Le Clown stands there in the same pose as he was in the movie.

Two of the Le Clown guards roll a big drum up to the forefront of the stage. The drum is filled with folded pieces of paper. My name was in there 17 times. I had traded blog ideas for entries to Le Clown over the course of the last year. Still I was in there pretty low. Some bloggers were in there over a thousand times. My chances of being called were slim to none. I smiled to myself.

Le Clown speaks again, “Let me introduce your Mentors!”

The Mentors were already on Le Clown’s blogroll. Winners of previous years, harden bloggers who survived and did anything they could to get to the place they are now.

Calahan and Promethean!” announced Le Clown.

The crowd clapped. These were the people who could teach you what you need to know to survive the grueling contests, but even more importantly they could get you advertisers. Advertisers sent you gifts, medicine, and flashing banners to sit in the corner of blog, blinking ‘Click me for more information.’ Which really meant to a blogger, ‘Click me and I get paid.’

A rather short, nerdy looking guy taps me on the shoulder.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” I respond and nod.

“How many times is your name in there?” he asks.

“Only 17. You?”

He shakes his head. “I’m in there 32,456 times.”

“Wow!” I gasp.

“Yeah, I had to go to Le Clown a lot this year. I’m SexyFeetPhotos.wordpress.com by the way.”

“Ewww!” I say a little too loud.

“Don’t judge. Who are you partner?”

“I’m Christopher De Voss.”

SexyFeet pauses, “I’ve heard of you!”

“Really?” I say. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, you make dumb pictures talk to each other. What you do is not really blogging you know. Your readership numbers…did you make those up?”

“Um, no.”

SexyFeet laughs, “It doesn’t count as readership numbers if half your audience reads your crap to the other half…because they can’t read! Bwahahahaha!”

“Keep it down!” I hiss. “See Le Clown’s guards? They have those red clown buckets pointed right at us because you are making such a scene! You don’t know what’s in those buckets…could be water, could be confetti…could be something worse!”

“Sorry.” SexyFeet scratches his head. “You really suck at this blog thing. Can you sign my Star Wars notebook while I got you. You like Star Wars right?”

“Sure,” I grab the notebook and scrawl my name across Princess Leia’s boobs.

SexyFeet looks at the notebook. “What’s with the breast fetish anyway?”

“Go away!” I whisper.

“Geesh!”

SexyFeet wanders off, just as Calahan reaches into the drum. He grabs a piece of paper. The room is so quiet you could hear a laptop close. He hands the paper to Le Clown, who unfolds it.

“Our first participate is from the Humor category,” Le Clown says pronouncing every word with great dramatics. “All though I don’t find this blog very funny, it’s my understanding it’s a huge hit among special needs adults.”

I see SexyFeet high fiving  another photographer blogger.He points to me and shrugs. This is my category. I’m only in there 17 times though. I happen to know fartjokes.wordpress.com is in there over a million.

Le Clown smiles, that evil bastard.

“Chrisdevoss.wordpress.com!”

My knees buckle. The crowd quickly moves away from me as I throw up the corn chowder I had for breakfast. Someone hands me a towel and I wipe the kernels that got stuck in my nose out.

Le Clown points at me,

“Come on up here! Everyone give your Humor blogger a hand as he represents you in this year’s Blogroll Hunger Games!”

The Le Clown guards push me forward. I don’t think I could move otherwise. I reach the first step leading up to the stage when I hear,

“Stop!”

The crowd turns to the sound of the voice.

“I will go in his place!”

Le Clown has a funny smile on his face. But then again, he always has a funny smile on his face. He taps the microphone again and says,

“We have a volunteer! How unprecedented! The first one ever! Well, come on up! Who are you?”

She makes her way to me and says, “I’m A Canvas of The Mind.”

She stops right before me and grabs my shoulder, although it seems like she is really 8 people.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask.

Canvas replies, “Because you have no shot of winning.”

“Oh,” I say and look down.

“Go back to the refreshment table and get yourself a snickerdoodle.”

“Ok,” I say grateful. “Wait!”

I grab the broach I had on my shirt and pin it right above Canvas’ right breast. It is in the shape of a nice pair of C-cups with raised diamond nipples.

“For good luck,” I say. “It’s been in my family for generations. Come back to us alive.”

She just looks at me and nods, then continues up the steps.

I’m not sure what happened the rest of the Reaping. It’s kind of a hazy fog. I remember going back to the refreshment table to find all of the snickerdoodle cookies eaten.

I watched the Le Clown Blogroll Hunger Games unfold on the internet as did millions of people that week. I watched the romance between A Canvas of The Mind and A Rich Full Life play out before us, like some bitter sweet 80’s lesbian porno. It kind of brought us together as a WordPress nation…something Le Clown wasn’t expecting…

…or was he?

My Le Clown impersonation.

With all due apologies to:

Suzanne Collins

and

Le Clown

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26 Responses to “The Le Clown Blogroll Hunger Games”

  1. Doggy's Style September 2, 2012 at 1:42 PM #

    I feel like I was there, like I lived actually died in those games, it all sounds too familiar, there was no room for petbloggers, we perished quickly.

    • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 1:58 PM #

      There is, I’m just not a pet person, so I don’t read any. I’m sure there are many styles I forgot.

      • Doggy's Style September 2, 2012 at 2:05 PM #

        I wouldn’t put mine under pets, since I use it as an excuse to analyze the world around me (yeah right)

      • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:09 PM #

        Haha! (I want to pet your avatar.)

  2. RFL September 2, 2012 at 1:43 PM #

    I think you should get some points for this! I’m not sure how I feel about being compared to vintage lesbian porn, but given your affection for porny things, I’ll take it as a compliment. Funny post 🙂
    Thanks for your help this week!

    • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:01 PM #

      First and second place got to play Katniss and Peeta. Don’t be miffed about the porn. It’s a good thing and you’re welcome. It was fun helping.

      • RFL September 2, 2012 at 2:28 PM #

        Sweet! I wasn’t miffed. Don’t worry, I won’t eat the berries. (from the Hunger Games, perv)

      • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:35 PM #

        Cool!

  3. Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:06 PM #

    Are you sure? I thought this was an original idea…

    • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:11 PM #

      Which is a french word, which Le Clown is french, which means that I don’t know where I was going with that.

      • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:34 PM #

        je vous remercie. vous êtes aussi bien. Dieu merci, pour le traducteur google

  4. The Bumble Files September 2, 2012 at 2:15 PM #

    Christopher, this was brilliant! I’m Le Clown will be most proud of you.

    • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:20 PM #

      I’m actually proud of Le Clown. I think this did more for WordPress promotion for everyone involved then any award. (Not that awards are bad.)

      Kudos Le Clown. May your ego inflate to blimp size.

      • The Bumble Files September 2, 2012 at 2:43 PM #

        Yes, hats off to Le Clown. He is quite the mastermind. I enjoyed your piece very much, too.

  5. jayne ayres September 2, 2012 at 5:19 PM #

    You are incredibly clever – awesome interpolation of so many facets – you are talented Christopher De Voss!!!

    • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 5:46 PM #

      I got lucky this time. That’s all. Thank you!

  6. boomiebol September 3, 2012 at 11:41 AM #

    If Le Clown can get wordpress to put a love button up, this post will so be getting that. Love it!

    • Christopher De Voss September 3, 2012 at 11:43 AM #

      I’m a little afraid of Le Clown’s love button. Hahahaha. Thank you!

  7. aliceatwonderland September 3, 2012 at 11:16 PM #

    This was hilarious! I hope I get featured in vintage lesbian porn soon! Could you imagine if it had really been like the Hunger Games and we all got to hunt each other down across the blogosphere? That would have been so awesome. I mean horrible. That would be horrible.

    • aliceatwonderland September 3, 2012 at 11:17 PM #

      Can somebody please show me how to put my pic in that pox beside my posts? I hate sparkles. Not after Twilight. Yeach.

      • Christopher De Voss September 4, 2012 at 6:21 AM #

        Try under account at the gravatar.com page or the settings page here at wordpress->public profile

      • aliceatwonderland September 4, 2012 at 8:53 AM #

        I think I tried that, but I’ll check it out again. It’s weird because sometimes it will work, and then it goes back to sparkle – sparkle.

    • Christopher De Voss September 4, 2012 at 6:17 AM #

      That would be awesome….I mean horrible!

  8. becca3416 September 4, 2012 at 4:33 PM #

    Now all I want is a snicker doodle. Thanks.

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