Help Me Choose A Bio

29 Aug

Just recently got word that one of my zombie stories is going to make it into the up and coming 2nd  Zombie Survival Crew’s collection of short zombie stories, poems, and art.

(No title or release date yet announced.)

Yay! I’m really excited. A lot of movie/TV celebrities from the zombie/horror genre are members of/the ZSC. (Did you find that hard to read in your mind’s/voice?)

I’m very honored and it only took a bribe of $108, 6 Subway coupons, and a vintage Pearl Jam concert T-Shirt from 1995 to finally convince them to include me.

They have asked me for a short bio.

I’m not good at short bios. Or long bios. Or even staying awake while watching Bio-Dome.

I am playing around with a couple of ideas and need some opinions:

Option One:

Christopher De Voss, who resides in Orlando would do anything for money, including eating peanut butter out of a rhino’s butt…if the price was right, and the rhino was a hottie. Chris lives in his parent’s garage and sells lanyards made out of Alpaca fur to supplement his income as head fry boy at the local Fry Fry’s Waffle And Bait Shack (now open until 2 a.m.!). In his spare time he likes to write about Zombies and/or Zombies having sex.

Option Two:

Christopher De Voss currently lives in Orlando, Florida with his 3 wives and 16 children. He is the leader of the Zombie Free Society Commune. The Commune supports itself by selling Zombie Snow Globes to tourists. Mr. De Voss is currently under investigation for three counts of polygamy, 16 counts of neglect, and 4 counts of manufacturing and selling  poorly made snow globes.

Option Three:

Christopher De Voss is the pen name for the acclaimed Zombieologist Chris De Voss. Chris could not be found to actually write  a bio on, and is believed to have been dead for the last 15 years. These current writings are being released by his estate. Rumors do abound that Chris De Voss and Tupac Shakur are hold up somewhere  in an abandon Dunkin’ Donuts  in lower Philadelphia.

Option Four:

Christopher De Voss is the youngest of a set of triplets that never survived. He enjoys long walks on the beach, sunsets, pina coladas, and getting lost in the rain, he is not much into health food, he is more into champagne.

Option Five:

(Just a picture of me standing naked in a dandelion field.)

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28 Responses to “Help Me Choose A Bio”

  1. Christopher De Voss August 29, 2012 at 3:39 PM #

    I trust your judgement. I’ll get to working on that. I need to find a field with rather tall grass, I think.

  2. RFL August 29, 2012 at 4:08 PM #

    1 or 5 or a combination of 1 and 5 have my vote. Could you find a rhino to pose with?

  3. Maddie Cochere August 29, 2012 at 5:01 PM #

    What a treat! Village People *and* the Pina Colada song. Good times. I vote a combo of 5 and 3 for the donut reference and 5 and 5 and 5.

  4. Madame Weebles August 29, 2012 at 5:19 PM #

    It’s hard to choose. They’re all compelling, in different ways. Of course, we’d have to see that picture of you standing naked in the dandelion field to be able to appropriately assess.

    Also, you’re in Orlando? My parents are just north of you, in Maitland. Are you as tired of talking about the weather as they are?

    • Christopher De Voss August 30, 2012 at 12:13 AM #

      Yes I’m in beautiful Orlando. Your parents talk about the weather in Florida? What do they say? It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Raining, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, It’s Sunny, ????

      • Madame Weebles August 30, 2012 at 1:11 AM #

        Well, they’re originally from New York, so it’s more like, It’s hot, it’s hot, it’s humid, it’s hot, it’s humid, it’s even hotter, it rained, it’s still hot, it’s hot and humid, but it’s still not as bad as NYC in the summer.

      • Christopher De Voss August 30, 2012 at 8:37 AM #

        Your parents nailed it.

  5. Brother Jon August 29, 2012 at 5:23 PM #

    Option #1 – Crunchy or Creamy?
    Option #2 – I resemble that remark!!
    Option #3 – I didn’t know Dunkin” Donuts was still around. Take that back. I guess it’s not if that’s where you’re hiding. Could you say hi to the hologram for me?
    Option #4 – I always thought Jimmy Buffet was a Zombie anyway.
    Option #5 – Is “dandelion field” just a fancy way of saying “My front yard”?

    Good luck, and congrats!

    • Christopher De Voss August 30, 2012 at 12:11 AM #

      Thank you!

      1 – Creamy. Don’t want to irritate the rhino
      2 – Sorry. Didn’t mean to be insensitive.
      3 – Dunkin’ Donuts is still here in Florida at least.
      4 – It was actually Rupert Holmes that sang the song and Jimmy Buffet is a zombie
      5 – No sir. My front yard is neat and trimmed.

      • Brother Jon August 30, 2012 at 12:14 AM #

        Alright. Just want to make sure we got everything covered. Not sure if that helped or not, but at least I’m ready!!

      • Christopher De Voss August 30, 2012 at 12:21 AM #

        Ha Ha!

  6. paulaacton August 29, 2012 at 7:53 PM #

    Congrats I also have a bio to do i was think of I was born and now reside in cyber space while machines control my mind

  7. Dotty Headbanger August 30, 2012 at 11:53 AM #

    Dear Chris,

    You should use your bio to get those film and telly celebs to WANT TO KNOW YOU. Scrub all the shite, just tell them you’re a recovering zombie writing about zombies because of the first hand experience you’ve had because you ARE a zombie (recovering).

    Love Dotty xxx

    • Christopher De Voss August 31, 2012 at 12:27 AM #

      Today, I feel like a zombie through and through.

  8. The Bumble Files August 30, 2012 at 1:14 PM #

    First, congratulations on your story! That’s awesome, Chris. Possibilities, possibilities….they are all very creative. I love that song. It’s always stick in head all day. Oh, no! You should mention the song, I love the dandelion field….released by your estate, the zombie snow globes, parents’ garage. Ha ha. I’m not any help.

  9. gingerfightback August 31, 2012 at 12:30 PM #

    5

  10. workspousestory September 2, 2012 at 2:08 PM #

    Option 5, for God’s sake!
    Although I suggest pasting here for review.

    • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:12 PM #

      Currently looking for a field with tall enough weeds, although it may tickle.

      • workspousestory September 2, 2012 at 2:13 PM #

        Ditch the field. I’m too curious.

      • Christopher De Voss September 2, 2012 at 2:23 PM #

        Haha! Way to turn the tables! Be careful what you wish for!

      • workspousestory September 2, 2012 at 4:41 PM #

        Well, you know. Whenever you’re ready.

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