My Tips on Creative Writing

24 Aug

Here are my person tips on successfully creating content to fill a book, a blog, an essay, term paper, letter to Grandma, spam email, hate letter to Grandma, comic book, or any other writing medium you may need or come across.

Tip Number One:

Come up with a good idea. One that no one else has ever come up with, one that will blow the doors off of everyone who reads it. One that will change the world. One that will bring nations to their knees.

No pressure.

(By the way: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure has already been done, so think of something different.)

Tip Number Two:

Write that idea down. Preferably on something non-flammable, or not easily lost, or not easily stolen. Not like a post-it note, toilet paper (unused), or a cocktail napkin, or the side of a hobo. I prefer an app called Evernote. Not everyone has a smart phone…so if you don’t, make sure to write it down with something that does not easily smudge, like chiseling it on a rock, or like a fine tip Sharpie…

….not like a piece of chalk, charcoal briquette, or cheap yellow highlighter.

Oh yes, that reminds me…make sure you can read it. Make sure you write it down in your native language and not some encrypted tongue you made up while on a drunken marathon of Lord of The Rings, Storage Wars, and/or the NASA channel.

Tip Number Three:

Set yourself a schedule to work on your thoughts and ideas…and stick to it. Find a nice quiet place to work, free of clutter, free of distractions…like children, spouses, strippers, construction workers, TV, radio, ham radio, turkey radio, bar flys, YouTube, the ice cream man, and/or strippers.

(Strippers are very distracting to the writing process. That’s why I listed it twice.)

Tip Number Four:

Set yourself goals and deadlines. Make them realistic enough to keep, but tough enough to keep you motivated. When you don’t meet these goals, cut off a chunk of your hair with some dull scissors. When you no longer have hair, you have failed yourself. If this happens, become a Buddhist monk instead. All you will need is the Orange Robes.

Tip Number Five:

Panic.

Panic when you don’t have any ideas. Panic when you miss your deadline. Panic at the disco. Panic like no one is watching. Panic like your life depended on it.

Panic.

And cry.

Tip Number Six:

After you panic…drink. Drink vodka and cranberry. Drink rum and coke. Drink Colt 45. Don’t drink and drive.  Drink at that nice work space you made for yourself, free of distractions and clutter. March around your writing space, in your underwear, drink in hand, and tell every inanimate object that you hate them:

“I hate you pencil. I hate you laptop. I hate you desk lamp. I hate you voodoo doll. I hate you 99 cent half eaten burrito from 711 that I probably shouldn’t have gotten because it makes me gassy but kind of looked good sitting in that little roller thing that keeps food hot all day but doesn’t keep them fresh so it takes like George Lopez’s butt hair. I hate you vodka and cranberry.*”

*Side note: Avoid run-on sentences. (Apparently people who smoke a lot of pot hate run-on sentences.)

Tip Number Seven:

Find some strippers.

—–

I hope that helps. Good luck to all you beginning budding writers out there. I’m sure Marc Schuster will be asking me to substitute for his writing class if he ever gets sick, so I will let you know the dates on that…in case you want to attend.

I will leave you with a simplified version of someone’s list on being and staying creative. I have taken out all the irrelevant parts:

Optional steps: 3) Cry 4) Strippers

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43 Responses to “My Tips on Creative Writing”

  1. Carr Party of Five August 24, 2012 at 3:14 PM #

    Dear Chris,
    I have an encrypted tongue from watching a lot …..A LOT of Lord of the Rings. It’s a problem, because I slip into elvish often.
    I appreciate that tip.
    🙂
    Love, Lis
    xoxoxo

  2. Christopher De Voss August 24, 2012 at 4:23 PM #

    Thank you. I think I’ll write a book.

  3. dockfam August 24, 2012 at 5:58 PM #

    Can we move drink up to #1 and strippers to #2? By then we should have some great ideas!

  4. graysonjack August 24, 2012 at 8:01 PM #

    I can’t tell you just how true that is and how close to the mark you got…and yet im still blocked.

    • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 12:30 AM #

      You just need something to piss you off and you’ll be fine…go to Walmart…that should do the trick.

      • AJ August 25, 2012 at 8:53 PM #

        Noooo, call your car insurance company. Guaranteed to piss anyone off instantly!

  5. Madame Weebles August 24, 2012 at 11:53 PM #

    When I read Tip #3, I saw the part that said “ham radio” but I read them as separate items: “ham, radio.” And I thought, “That’s true, I do get distracted by ham sometimes.”

    The problem with me, though is that male strippers really aren’t that interesting to me. Now if you paraded a bunch of naked rugby players in front of me, well, now we’re talking DISTRACTION.

    Sorry, I lost track of what I was saying.

    • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 12:32 AM #

      We all get distracted by ham.

    • Rhonda August 28, 2012 at 5:28 PM #

      for some reason (squirrel !) comes to mind. wait, what?

  6. Bumba August 25, 2012 at 12:59 AM #

    Check out
    Once Upon a Bumble: What’s Your Writing Habit? The Bumble Files- today’s blog, for a somewhat more serious consideration of the same topic. She doesn’t mention the suggestion about the strippers, which I myself take seriously of course.

  7. The Bumble Files August 25, 2012 at 1:40 AM #

    Hi, Christopher. I got your blog post link from Stephen up above. Thanks for a great list. What can I substitute for strippers? Well, I guess I can think of a couple of things. Great tips. I did hint in my post that people possibly wrote while naked. That’s all. It could be added to your list. What do you think?

    • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 1:50 AM #

      Anything goes I think. I picture all the sex bloggers naked when they are writing. I picture the cooking bloggers in their kitchen when writing. And I picture the ranters throwing random objects while they are writing.

      I don’t think I can write while naked, the bottom of my laptop gets too hot.

      • The Bumble Files August 25, 2012 at 1:58 AM #

        Ha ha.That’s a good point 🙂 What are the poets doing? And, the writers of stories? Oh, I know. They’re drinking and enjoying the strippers, of course. Am I right? What about the political blogs? Hmm….waving flags? This is all very interesting to me.

      • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 2:44 AM #

        This should be researched and documented. Nobel Peace Prize material or even Fresh Pressed worthy.

      • The Bumble Files August 25, 2012 at 3:37 AM #

        Absolutely brilliant! Just how would you research this one, huh? Any suggestions?

      • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 9:31 AM #

        Oh boy. Put me on the spot! HaHa! Sounds like a project you want to take on….I don’t know…email them?

      • The Bumble Files August 25, 2012 at 1:01 PM #

        I think this project has your name on it….In any case, it is a great idea. 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 1:11 PM #

        I’ll see if I can bumble through it. (See what I did there.)

      • The Bumble Files August 25, 2012 at 1:22 PM #

        That would be my approach 😉

  8. David Stewart August 25, 2012 at 9:17 AM #

    Number 6 made me laugh. It sounds like a more interesting version of the 2 Minute Hate from 1984. But whatever stirs the pots of creativity.

    • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 9:27 AM #

      Wow. You’re right. Been a long time since I read that…as a matter of fact the year was 1984.

  9. H.E. ELLIS August 25, 2012 at 12:23 PM #

    I hate run-on sentences.

    And Pee Wee Herman.

    • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 1:10 PM #

      Do you smoke weed?

      • H.E. ELLIS August 25, 2012 at 1:14 PM #

        No, but I attend lots of concerts. So I suppose what I REALLY don’t like are run-on lyrics.

      • Christopher De Voss August 25, 2012 at 1:19 PM #

        Haha! I hear ya.

        My friend who is an avid smoker told me she hates it when I use run-on sentences.

        I said, “I only use them if I think it’s going to be funny.”

        She replies, “Maybe it’s the weed that makes them so hard to read.”

      • H.E. ELLIS August 25, 2012 at 1:25 PM #

        I can just see it now:

        “In my younger and more venerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever–”

        “Dude…you got any Cheetos?”

  10. workspousestory August 25, 2012 at 6:58 PM #

    I see my apprenticeship can continue with this new lesson. Is it bad that I am mostly excited by strippers and drinking?

  11. becca3416 August 28, 2012 at 11:33 AM #

    I have decided to shower you with over the top compliments from here on out, because I now suspect you actively practice voodoo: You are the funniest most attractive person I don’t personally know on the internet, and you should be living in a mansion.

    • Christopher De Voss August 28, 2012 at 11:42 AM #

      Sorry, I stopped reading your comment after, “I have decided to shower you…”

      Just remember I like the shampoo massaged into my scalp deeply. Really get in there!

      Thank you for the kind words. My picture is photoshopped, I really look like Golum from Lord of The Rings…but I love the mansion wish!

      • becca3416 August 28, 2012 at 11:53 AM #

        Damn. Unfortunately, I only condition, and your hair’s obvious feathery perfection doesn’t call for that sort of service.

      • Christopher De Voss August 28, 2012 at 11:57 AM #

        Oh, okay. Next time. I get sleepy when someone massages my scalp anyway.

  12. boomiebol August 30, 2012 at 4:51 PM #

    My muse likes to drink…

  13. littlemissobsessivesanatomy September 1, 2012 at 11:48 AM #

    awesome post…super awesome… 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss September 1, 2012 at 11:56 AM #

      Thank you…than you very much. Good luck in the contest.

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