My Tips on Creative Writing

Here are my person tips on successfully creating content to fill a book, a blog, an essay, term paper, letter to Grandma, spam email, hate letter to Grandma, comic book, or any other writing medium you may need or come across.

Tip Number One:

Come up with a good idea. One that no one else has ever come up with, one that will blow the doors off of everyone who reads it. One that will change the world. One that will bring nations to their knees.

No pressure.

(By the way: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure has already been done, so think of something different.)

Tip Number Two:

Write that idea down. Preferably on something non-flammable, or not easily lost, or not easily stolen. Not like a post-it note, toilet paper (unused), or a cocktail napkin, or the side of a hobo. I prefer an app called Evernote. Not everyone has a smart phone…so if you don’t, make sure to write it down with something that does not easily smudge, like chiseling it on a rock, or like a fine tip Sharpie…

….not like a piece of chalk, charcoal briquette, or cheap yellow highlighter.

Oh yes, that reminds me…make sure you can read it. Make sure you write it down in your native language and not some encrypted tongue you made up while on a drunken marathon of Lord of The Rings, Storage Wars, and/or the NASA channel.

Tip Number Three:

Set yourself a schedule to work on your thoughts and ideas…and stick to it. Find a nice quiet place to work, free of clutter, free of distractions…like children, spouses, strippers, construction workers, TV, radio, ham radio, turkey radio, bar flys, YouTube, the ice cream man, and/or strippers.

(Strippers are very distracting to the writing process. That’s why I listed it twice.)

Tip Number Four:

Set yourself goals and deadlines. Make them realistic enough to keep, but tough enough to keep you motivated. When you don’t meet these goals, cut off a chunk of your hair with some dull scissors. When you no longer have hair, you have failed yourself. If this happens, become a Buddhist monk instead. All you will need is the Orange Robes.

Tip Number Five:

Panic.

Panic when you don’t have any ideas. Panic when you miss your deadline. Panic at the disco. Panic like no one is watching. Panic like your life depended on it.

Panic.

And cry.

Tip Number Six:

After you panic…drink. Drink vodka and cranberry. Drink rum and coke. Drink Colt 45. Don’t drink and drive.  Drink at that nice work space you made for yourself, free of distractions and clutter. March around your writing space, in your underwear, drink in hand, and tell every inanimate object that you hate them:

“I hate you pencil. I hate you laptop. I hate you desk lamp. I hate you voodoo doll. I hate you 99 cent half eaten burrito from 711 that I probably shouldn’t have gotten because it makes me gassy but kind of looked good sitting in that little roller thing that keeps food hot all day but doesn’t keep them fresh so it takes like George Lopez’s butt hair. I hate you vodka and cranberry.*”

*Side note: Avoid run-on sentences. (Apparently people who smoke a lot of pot hate run-on sentences.)

Tip Number Seven:

Find some strippers.

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I hope that helps. Good luck to all you beginning budding writers out there. I’m sure Marc Schuster will be asking me to substitute for his writing class if he ever gets sick, so I will let you know the dates on that…in case you want to attend.

I will leave you with a simplified version of someone’s list on being and staying creative. I have taken out all the irrelevant parts:

Optional steps: 3) Cry 4) Strippers