An Experiment In Blogging

6 Aug

Even though this a humor blog…or at least I think it is…I’ve been wanting to try to write something…

profound…

inspirational…

life changing for you…

life changing for me…

fresh press worthy…

Nobel peace prize contender…

…but I have been having a hard time picking a topic, or being very serious about it.

So:

***Don’t Try This At Home***

*** Disclaimer***

***Christopher De Voss thinks he is a professional blogger. He is actually a professional idiot who lives and dies by the spell checker on his computer. Thank God for technology or he would spend more time looking in a dictionary on how to spell simple words like dictionary, then writing anything down. Which reminds me, do they still make White-Out? Accordingly the publishers of this blog insist that you do not attempt to recreate or re-enact what you are about to read below.****

The great writers of the past would draw inspiration from various mind altering means. Examples include Philip Dick, Steven King,William S. Burroughs, Jack Kerouac, Robert Louis Stevenson, and of course, Hunter S. Thompson.

Now, I’m not a recreational user of any substance. I’m pretty liberal in my thinking, if you want to do it, and know the dangers, and are not hurting anyone but yourself, then go ahead. It’s your funeral. But for me, an occasional beer at a party, some wine with dinner, and that’s about as crazy as I’m going to get.

Today, though will be different. I have a medical team here consisting of 2 doctors and 1 nurse…at great expense to me…to help me if anything should go horribly and terribly wrong.

Here is the experiment:

I’m going to take a series of things that are known mind altering enhancements. TThen I am going to wait one hour for the effects to kick in. After that I will come back to this blog post and write the most amazing, most earth shattering, most mind numbing piece of literature you have ever read. I fully expect you to walk away from this post a different person, your life changed for the better, your mind expanded, your environment enriched.

I will say this one more time, do not try this at home. I reiterate that this is under the subversion of trained medical personal. If anything goes wrong they having the knowlege and equipment to bring me back.

Here is the cocktail:

 hash pipe
 opium pills
 peyote brownies
 bud light
 morphine pill
 shots of absinthe
 licking of a toad
 
I have left out the actual percentages of how much to take of what to protect people from trying this, however I will tell you only need to lick the toad once. 
 
I promise to maintain the validity of this experiment by publishing whatever I write. Just remember these are my works, copyrighted under the creative commons licence and are not to be duplicated without my written permission. 
 
Does anyone know if they contact you when you win the Nobel Peace Prize for literature? Do they need my email address? Do they text?
 
I guess I’ll find out in a couple of hours.
 
I’m being the list of substances now and then wait an hour and write my masterpiece after the “—–“.
 
—–
 
(@)@)0909090909999(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((parenthesis(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))()()()()()()()()()()()()())()(((((
 
I like crushed ice.
 
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
 
Do giraffes fart?
 

Here is a picture of a giraffe farting to illustrate my point. Be bop dum dee diddly do wop wop wop wop be boo yes I dooooooooo

 
!@#$%^&*z“~()_-+[][]:’;’,./.,; so many unused keys come on the keyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyybbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbboooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddddddddddddddd
 
Who is patty wack?
 
I think socks should talk. Call of Duty….Doody….Do Bee…Caulk of Do Bee!!!!!!!!!!
 
I think I’m going to be sick now, so the lamp on my desk will now take over and finish this for me.

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42 Responses to “An Experiment In Blogging”

  1. jayne ayres August 6, 2012 at 3:14 PM #

    I’m surprised you knew where the keyboard was after all that mind altering cocktail.

  2. Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 4:09 PM #

    I was good until I licked the toad.

  3. Carr Party of Five August 6, 2012 at 4:34 PM #

    Dear Chris,
    Laughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhter,
    and…I’m more worried about that poor girl than I am your mind enhancement practices.
    Seriously. Those do NOT look safe.
    🙂
    Lis

    • Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 4:43 PM #

      What girl? Oh, the picture of the giraffe. Can you guess what my weakness is? Except, I don’t discriminate…I like small ones too. I just wonder how far away from the dining room table does she have to eat?

      • Carr Party of Five August 6, 2012 at 5:53 PM #

        Dear Chris,
        THAT is one strange question my friend.
        I like the way your mind works.
        😉
        Lisa

      • Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 6:30 PM #

        Oh, you know how I like your winky faces.

  4. Madame Weebles August 6, 2012 at 6:13 PM #

    Hee. Boobs.

    What did the toad taste like?

    • Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 6:29 PM #

      Ass…mixed with toad. Toad ass!

      • Kathy V. August 7, 2012 at 10:05 AM #

        Wait, so you have to lick the toad’s ass? Not its head, or its back? Good to know.

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 10:22 AM #

        I actually did a little research on this…the toad secrets something on it’s back between it’s eyes. I’m just guessing it tastes like toad ass.

      • Kathy V. August 7, 2012 at 10:27 AM #

        I’ll just lick it all over, to be safe.

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 10:32 AM #

        Are we still talking about a toad?

      • Kathy V. August 7, 2012 at 10:50 AM #

        Yes. Aren’t you?

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 11:43 AM #

        Yes! Of course! *looks around the room nervously *pulls on collar

      • Kathy V. August 7, 2012 at 11:48 AM #

        *inarticulate sound of disgust *eyeroll *obnoxiously superior smirk

  5. RFL August 6, 2012 at 8:01 PM #

    I can’t say the word caulk without laughing. Caulktail.

    • Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 8:38 PM #

      I hear you’re good at handling caulk. They say you can handle two caulks at once.

      Yes folks, nothing but high brow humor here.

  6. Roxie August 6, 2012 at 9:22 PM #

    omg you’re hugely entertaining! so wild and irreverent, a perfect blog piece 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 10:02 PM #

      Thank you, although I have to admit this piece may have been a tad bit embellished almost completely. (Don’t tell anyone…our little secret.)

      • Roxie August 6, 2012 at 10:07 PM #

        secret is totally safe, hehehe…see what I mean? fably entertaining 🙂

  7. Bumba August 6, 2012 at 10:41 PM #

    An excellent argument for sober living.

    • Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 11:10 PM #

      That’s why I did it. Now I can travel the country talking to grade school children.

      “Don’t be a load…Don’t lick a toad! Stay in school!”

      Yeah…I don’t know what that means either.

  8. David Stewart August 6, 2012 at 11:22 PM #

    That’s a good question: who is patty whack? Is she related to Nick Knack? So many questions 🙂

  9. Rhonda August 7, 2012 at 12:12 AM #

    I’m just surprised she can walk without falling over. Of course, that’s an assumption on my part. Shouldn’t do that I guess. Wow. Sure it’s not Patty Rack?

    • Rhonda August 7, 2012 at 12:13 AM #

      Oh sorry, did I miss the point of this post? Didn’t mean to get hung up on the rack. Post was wicked good and wicked funny and damn sure you’ll get an award out of it. There.

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 12:34 AM #

        Thank you. I suffer for my art.

      • Rhonda August 7, 2012 at 12:38 AM #

        oh, you do too? thought it was just us.

    • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 12:31 AM #

      That’s a giraffe, if I remember correctly. Too painful to re-read this post.

      • Rhonda August 7, 2012 at 12:35 AM #

        oh my mistake. must have been looking at the wrong end. i shall have to be more careful where i look when visiting the great and powerful Voz-blog. (was that you behind the curtain?)

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 12:44 AM #

        Voz-blog….hmmmm…sounds like a bad alien from a Men In Black movie….

      • Rhonda August 7, 2012 at 12:49 AM #

        well it could be worse. could have been Voz-Hogg. you don’t wear a big white cowboy hat and smoke a stogie do ya? Now THAT would be a horror!

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 12:54 AM #

        My favorite guilty pleasure show as a kid! Where’s my General Lee lunchbox?

      • Rhonda August 7, 2012 at 12:56 AM #

        awww…pegged you for a denizen of the dukes. bet that would be worth a penny or two today. hope you find it. 😉

  10. Missus Tribble August 7, 2012 at 4:33 AM #

    Well I laughed.

    Absinthe is great stuff for writer’s block. It makes you write utter shite but it tastes good and makes you feel “fluffy” 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 7:48 AM #

      Well, of course this whole blog is utter shite. It’s my understanding that absinthe in the States is less strong then Absinthe elsewhere. So maybe I need the real stuff.

      • Missus Tribble August 7, 2012 at 8:50 AM #

        The Absinthe I currently have is 75% and the black stuff is even stronger at 82%!

        I’ll have a look online for you to see if you can find the decent stuff on your side of the pond, but I suggest looking on Amazon for Hapsburg Absinthe 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 10:24 AM #

        Thank you and I will…fascinating stuff since at one time it was banned.

      • Missus Tribble August 7, 2012 at 10:45 AM #

        It was banned for decades, because it contains Wormwood. Versions without Wormwood were still allowed, and then it was finally realised that Wormwood is not as bad as everybody thought it was!

        I have a fascination with the history of Absinthe too. Being epileptic I have to be really careful with it, but it’s lovely stuff if you know how to make it up properly (straight shots will make you extremely ill).

      • Christopher De Voss August 7, 2012 at 11:44 AM #

        Hmm. I think a little research is order for me today. The history of Absinthe.

      • Missus Tribble August 8, 2012 at 8:14 AM #

        Have fun with the research – I certainly did 😀

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