The P.E.T.Z Comes Knocking At My Door Pt 2

18 Jul

Pt One: Click Here Or Don’t

The doorbell rings. I answer the door and a liitle man and woman with clipboards are standing on my doorstep.

“Mr. De Voss?” the little man asks.

“Yes,” I say hesitantly.

The woman says (rather meanly I might add),

“We are from P.E.T.Z, do you know what that is?”

“Little candy toys with pop open necks?” I reply.

The Woman looks me up and down.

PETZ Woman: “Mr. De Voss, do you know why we are here?”

Me: “Well, I don’t see any girl scout cookies…so no.”

PETZ Man: “We are from the People for Ethical Treatment of Zombies and we are here because there was a call put into our office that you sir, (dramatic breath) killed a Zombie.”

Me: “Who me?”

PETZ Woman: (shakes a paper in my face) “Don’t try to play dumb with us, Mr. De Voss. Anyone not authorized by the state that kills a Zombie is recorded with the State Zombie Affairs Office and that act is public record. This piece of paper states that yesterday around 3 pm, a Zombie wondered into your backyard, and you sir, viciously tortured it with a machete! Do you still want to play dumb?”

Me: “Yes…but you’ve got me. I killed an evil, undead Zombie that was going to eat my dog…and possibly my family. What do you people want from me? Make a public apology? Sign some sort of form? Read some sort of pamphlet? Do a little dance…make a little love…”

PETZ Man: “No, we want you to bring that Zombie back from the dead.”

Me: “Bring…the Zombie…back from the dead? Are you serious? Wasn’t it brought back from the dead already once?”

PETZ Woman: “As you know we are against all cruelty to Zombies. Wither that is as simple as poking it with a stick, or burying a machete in it’s head. That once was a person, you know…”

Me: “Once! Not now!”

PETZ Woman: “…like I said, once. Doesn’t mean it can’t be a person again…with the proper funding in research and technology…”

Me: “Hold on a second there lady. Let’s say you were able to de-zombie this guy with the proper funding and research. What about his lower missing jaw? Does he turn back to human missing that?”

PETZ Man: “You’re confusing the issue!”

Me: “I’m not confusing anything. I’m simply asking a question. This Zombie was extremely disfigured. Does he live as a ‘regular’ human disfigured?”

PETZ Woman: “Well, I guess we would only turn back those that had a chance at a normal life.”

Me: “Soooo, if I killed one that did not have a chance of being turned back, because he was so disfigured…then maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.”

The PETZ Man and PETZ Woman look at each other.

PETZ Man: “Stop confusing the issue!”

PETZ Woman: “Listen, Mr. De Voss, kill one more Zombie and we will be forced to set up a protest outside your house. It will come complete with a candle vigilance, banners, people sitting and waving their hands over heads, and singing. Lots of singing. You don’t want that. Your neighbor’s will stare.”

Me: “You’re right, but I’m not worried about the neighbors. They will stare regardless. I don’t want you people here mostly because my lawn is half-dead already. I don’t need a Zombie wack-job-hippie-group messing it up any further. Plus I don’t think I have enough Pizza Rolls in the freezer to feed everyone.”

PETZ Man: “Pizza rolls? I like pizza rolls!”

PETZ Woman: “Mr. De Voss, I can tell by your posture and sarcastic nature that you are not taking us seriously…but I want you to know that you are on our list, and with your attitude…you’re moving up it fast.”

Me: “What’s the list? Top ten snappiest dressed Zombie killers?”

PETZ Man: “Ha Ha! Top ten snappiest dressed Zombie killers!”

PETZ Woman: “Howard! Your not helping!”

Me: “Yeah, Howard…your not helping…because I’m cooking pizza rolls, and your my guest.”

PETZ Man: “Really?! You got beer?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got Cider!”

PETZ Man: “Oh, I don’t think I have ever had Cider! That sounds interesting!”

PETZ Woman: “Howard? What do you think you’re doing?”

Me: (ushering in Howard through the front door) “Howie and I are having pizza rolls and Cider, and Howie will tell me all about your agenda for saving Zombies. Won’t you Howie?”

PETZ Man: (from inside the house) “Yup.”

Me: (shutting the door) “Come back for Howie around 8 or 9. Bye.”



8 Responses to “The P.E.T.Z Comes Knocking At My Door Pt 2”

  1. La La July 18, 2012 at 3:43 PM #

    You beat Regis? That’s hot. You’re so hot right now.

    • Christopher De Voss July 18, 2012 at 3:57 PM #

      I’m on fire! But you know the public, very fickle.

  2. RFL July 18, 2012 at 3:56 PM #

    Everyone who knocks on the door should bring Girl Scout cookies. New rule.

    • Christopher De Voss July 18, 2012 at 3:59 PM #

      Then only Girl Scouts would knock on your door.

      • RFL July 18, 2012 at 4:11 PM #

        Haha! Not if all solicitors brought them. I might talk to a Jehovah’s Witness if they knocked and waved some thin mints up by the peep hole 🙂

      • Christopher De Voss July 18, 2012 at 4:14 PM #

        Thanks, now all Jehovah Witness’ will be armed with a Bible and Thin Mints.

  3. gingerfightback July 19, 2012 at 1:27 PM #

    We need this organisation. Brilliant stuff!

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