The Gumshoe

4 Jul

That’s right, I’m what you call a dick, a gumshoe, a hawkshaw. You can also call me a private eye, or a private investigator. Maybe you prefer the terms; shamus, sherlock, operative, or PI. Whatever you call me, it doesn’t matter…I’m here to do a job.

A dirty, gritty, thankless job.

Some days, I’m called to the crime.

Some days, the crime finds me.

This was one of those days.

I entered my bedroom…I forget why…maybe to fold laundry…maybe to watch TV…

I can’t recall.

I walked around to the other side of my bed, a nice queen size thing. Wife wants a king size…I forget why…maybe for more room…maybe to add another person…

I can’t recall.

And then I saw it.

It was the most horrific crime scene I had ever witness in my 14 plus years on the force.

I do not know who committed this atrocity in what was suppose to be my sanctuary, my fortress of solitude, my humble abode with the vintage collection of Playboys and one Big Jugs magazine tucked between the mattresses…

If you have a weak stomach, you may not want to proceed. These crime scene photos can be rough to civilians.

The scene of the crime

That’s right, someone had viciously killed Doodle Bop Teddy Bear and his long time girl friend Topless Mermaid.

But why? That was the question. That was a statement. This is a noun: Bear.

Stop it! Focus!

Sorry, my brilliant detective mind sometimes wonders.

I had to break this crime scene down.

Look at the clues.

Luckily I have seen murder before, but that didn’t stop my stomach from doing flip flops. I had never seen murder like this…this…brutal before. Could it be because this was actually done in my house…or the fact that I had seen these toys many times before…

First step, to examine the scene in great detail. The answer to the crime is in the details.

The first thing I notice is that Topless Mermaid is…well…topless.

No, you don’t need glasses. This photo is slightly blurry for your protection.

Actually, it was no big deal to see Topless Mermaid topless. She often was…ok…always was. I remember when I first met her she had some sort of flimsy bikini top on, but it wasn’t long until she earned her nickname. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, most of the dolls in this town go topless. I guess you get use to it after awhile.

This is a close up of Doodle Bop Teddy Bear.

Doodle Bop Teddy Bear I hadn’t seen in awhile. He once ruled the streets, but people got tried of his crime boss ways and that stupid blue banner he always carried. This could have been done by anyone. I did notice a very important clue underneath Doodle Bop Teddy Bear:

A Hello Kitty Skin magazine.

That’s right. Hello Kitty, a once family friendly little girl’s icon with no mouth, now turned porn starlet…just to put food on the table for her family. Just goes to show you how fickle the general public really is…one day you’re a star…the next your displaying your nipple-less boobs for all the world to see. Not that I have ever looked at her publications, I’m just guessing she has no nipples based on the whole no mouth thing.

It really didn’t add up though. Why would Doodle Bop Teddy Bear even need with a cheap rag like Hello Kitty puts out when he has Topless Mermaid as a girlfriend…think about it…she is always topless!

I don’t get it. Back to the clues.

A pair of pink plastic sunglasses. Not much to go on here, unless you have a plastic prescription for death. (That sounded a lot more noir in my head.)

A designer plastic Tinkerbell flashlight. Only the richest gangsters used Tinkerbell flashlights. It showed the power Doodle Bop Teddy Bear wielded in the underground world. Why didn’t the murder take this?

A plastic cupcake!

The plastic cupcake, the root of all of Doodle Bop Teddy Bear’s power. Doodle bought, sold, and bartered these religiously, and was the head of the whole plastic cupcake empire. You could not buy or sell a plastic cupcake without going through Doodle Bop Teddy Bear’s goons first. Now we were getting somewhere.

Now we have motive.

All of the sudden, I heard laughing behind me. I realized the murder was still in the room. I was so busy looking at the clues, that I forgot to sweep the room first, make sure it was clear of evil doers.

A rookie’s mistake.

I also realized I didn’t have my gun.

I did have a gun app on my phone that simulated gun noises. I slowly pulled out my phone, and quickly…well slowly…typed in the unlock code, then I opened the menu, scrolled down to the app, waited for it to load, scrolled through the gun choices, and settled on a P38 Walter.

“What are you doing?” came a matter-of-factly inquisitive voice behind me.

The mastermind’s behind the crime!

It was The Toddler and her trusty side kick Kansas The-Dog-Whom-My-Wife-Says-Doesn’t-Pee-On-Carpet-But-It-Does-Pee-On-The-Carpet.

It-Does!

I should have know! The new head of the plastic cupcake syndicate was standing…well sitting and cuddling that damn dog…right before me!

“Daddy, what are you doing?” she asked again. “I want a Popsicle.”

“Um, sure. Just don’t take me out like you did Doodle Bop Teddy Bear, and I will give you anything you want!” I replied.

Toddler laughs and squeals, “Daddy, your silly! Popsicle! Yellow one!”

And I got her a Popsicle for fear of my life.

The case?

I buried to protect everyone in the house and to keep myself from sleeping with the fishes. (The filter is broken on the fish tank and is really loud, but on another note the couch is pretty comfortable.)

The End?

*Epilogue*

Kansas peed on the carpet.

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19 Responses to “The Gumshoe”

  1. La La July 4, 2012 at 3:40 PM #

    Phew, thank god you weren’t out of the yellow ones!

  2. Dotty Headbanger July 5, 2012 at 3:28 AM #

    Dear Chris,

    Thank you for blurring the photo. I couldn’t have stomached it at this time in the morning.

    Be safe, watch your back – you never know when she’ll strike again!

    Love Dotty xxx

  3. Maggie O'C July 5, 2012 at 12:53 PM #

    She looks so cute and innocent, a baby faced killer.

  4. Kyle July 8, 2012 at 6:26 PM #

    never trust a sweet face mate, i learned that ages ago – oh hang on… i never learned that – what’s that behind me? aaaaarrrrggghhh!
    avenge meeeeee

    • Christopher De Voss July 8, 2012 at 6:34 PM #

      Damn! Another one bites the dust. We won’t forget you!

  5. Rhonda July 8, 2012 at 6:28 PM #

    I agree with the blur….absolutely needed. One thought occurs tho..dare I suggest pixelating the bear’s (you know, nether region?)….those two very erect white appendages right in my face almost made the read of this very incredibly dramatic story un’bearable’ 😉 just a thought, like i said.

    • Christopher De Voss July 8, 2012 at 6:36 PM #

      Ha ha! That’s the tag on the bear. I actually didn’t notice that.

      • Rhonda July 8, 2012 at 6:39 PM #

        lol…I KNOW it’s a tag silly. But, am a tad surprised you didn’t pick up on it! rofl

      • Christopher De Voss July 8, 2012 at 6:49 PM #

        Nope, completely missed it. It looks like the bear has butterfly wings on it’s taint. So it’s a good thing I missed it, because that would have brought the story into some bizarre directions.

      • Rhonda July 8, 2012 at 6:58 PM #

        bizarre can be good…but maybe not so much when there are yellow popsicles involved. on second thought…you were probably wise to have ‘missed’ it.

  6. Kyle July 8, 2012 at 6:31 PM #

    bearilliant!

  7. lettersformike July 10, 2012 at 1:17 PM #

    Indeed a very nice post.
    =) I like it.
    Please follow me back at
    http://www.lettersformike.wordpress.com
    -Coco

  8. David Stewart July 11, 2012 at 1:55 AM #

    Sounds like a dangerous neighborhood. I loved the epilogue. 🙂

    • Christopher De Voss July 11, 2012 at 8:44 AM #

      Me too. I actually started with the epilogue and wrote backwards.

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