If you are unfamiliar with Jonathon “Jasper” Johns, he is a neighbor of mine, a zombie fanatic, and hates my blog. He lets me know that he hates my blog quite frequently.
You can catch some of his comments here:
Jonathon “Jasper” Johns Simplistic Review Of Zombie Swag
Johnathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Writes
Interview With Jonathon “Jasper” Johns
Well Jonathon hasn’t made an appearance in a while…until this Saturday. He knocked on my door and is accompanied by his lovely wife, and former 1959-1963 Playboy Bunny at the Playboy Club in Chicago, Baylee-Ann.
Me: Jasper, Baylee-Ann, what can I do for you?
Jasper: Chris, this is my wife, Baylee-Ann.
(Note: Jasper introduces me to his wife every time I have ever come in contact with both of them together.)
Me: Yes, Jasper. I know Baylee-Ann. We have met numerous times.
Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.
Jasper: Right, right.
(Silence)
Me: So, Jasper, which story did you not like this time?
Jasper: How did you know?
Me: Call it intuition. Let me guess…all of them.
Jasper: How did you know?
Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.
Me: Hi, Baylee-Ann.
Jasper: There is one in particular though, that really…really…I just can’t seem to wrap my noggin’ around it.
(Silence)
Me: Which one is it Jasper?
Jasper: Well…the one about the zombie and the Ferris Wheel…what’s it called? Zombie Goes Round And Round The Ferris Wheel?
Me: Something like that. (He is referring to this story: Zombie On The Ferris Wheel.) What’s wrong?
Jasper: Well, I got some questions.
Me: Go ahead.
Jasper: Ok….how did the zombie and the guy get on the Ferris Wheel?
Me: I don’t know.
Jasper: What do you mean you don’t know?
Me: I don’t know. That’s kind of the point. It gives it some mystery to the story. Your not suppose to know.
Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.
Jasper: But why would anyone put someone on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie and chain them together? It doesn’t make any sense!
Me: I don’t know. Maybe the guy owed money to someone. Maybe he borrowed money from the mob, and this is the new way the mob deals with people who don’t pay them back…instead of a horse’s head in the bed, they put you on a Ferris Wheel with a Zombie!
Jasper: Horse’s head in the bed?
Me: Never mind that. Any other questions?
Jasper: Yes! Why doesn’t the man on the Ferris Wheel have a name?
Me: I don’t know. Doesn’t seem like he really needs a name. It’s just a short story.
Jasper: He needs a name. I’ve been thinking of names. I want you to name him: Ricky Dale.
Me: OK. His name is Ricky Dale.
Jasper: And I want you to go back and rewrite the story with the name, Ricky Dale in it. And I want you to give me a co-author title.
Baylee-Ann: Hi, Chris.
Me: Hi Baylee! How many times are you going to say Hi to me?
(Baylee-Ann shrugs.)
Me: Jasper, I’m not rewriting the story. And I’m not giving you a co-author credit.
Jasper: What? Didn’t we just agree the man’s name was Ricky Dale?
Me: Yes, I guess. More so just to please you, so I can get back to my life.
Jasper: So, the guy didn’t even have a name! Now he has a name! The story wasn’t complete until I just helped you name the guy! It’s so much better now. The story sucked until I named the guy.
Me: Did you really just say that to me?
Jasper: Chris, you can’t write Zombie stories. I’ve told you this…I have Facebooked you this….I have tweeted you this…I even wrote it on the back of your car in soap. Next time you write a Zombie story, call me first..please…so it doesn’t suck so bad.
Me: Are you done?
Jasper: Am I getting my byline?
Me: No, and your wife is too old to be out in public without a bra.
Baylee-Ann: Oh, thank you, Chris.
Me: Your welcome, Baylee-Ann. Bye Jasper.
Jasper: (Angry) Come on Baylee-Ann. Let’s go home and delete our WordPress bookmark!
Christopher De Voss 
Dear Chris,
Do you think Jasper will ever get his own blog? I’d read it. 🙂
Love Dotty xxx
I don’t think he would, but I’ll suggest it to him next time I see him. I know he is a fan of your blog. 🙂