Some Strange Animal Kingdom Sex

11 Apr

Animal Kingdom Sex (Warning: Not for sensitive readers especially those who can’t handle the words, penis and vagina)

1) The Honey Bee – After the male Honey Bee mates with the Queen Bee it’s penis snaps off and it dies. College Bee life is probably very dull because of this…

2) Hyena – In the Hyena world the female has balls, and we are not talking figuratively. A female Hyena has something that people who study Hyena genitalia call a pseudopenis. This is basically an enlarged clitoris, that they can erect. To mate, a dude Hyena has to insert his penis into her pseudopenis. If she gets knocked up, she gives birth through her pseudo…wait for it….penis. Yes, you read right, she gives birth through her penis.

Wife: Um…what are you writing about?
Me: Animal Sex.
Wife: Why? Do you think people really want to read about Hyena balls?
Me: Maybe…
Wife: I think you just want to see how many times you can write the words penis or vagina.. 
Me: Nooooo…
Wife: Then why do you snicker every time you write it?
 

3) Porcupine – If a Porcupine is ready for some action, it will spray urine on the female. If the female is not in the mood, she screams and shakes it off. I tried this with my wife and she screamed and call a lawyer.

Wife: You have never sprayed me with pee! Don’t tell people that! 
Me: At least that you know about…
Wife: What?!
 

4) Bedbug -When a male Bedbug is horny, it doesn’t bother with wine and candles and a movie…or even vaginas. It just stabs the female anywhere on it’s body with it’s penis.

Wife: I can tell when your having a wet dream because you do that same thing to me in the middle of the night.
Me: Don’t you have something to do?
Wife: Speaking of wine and candles…
 

5) Banana Slug – A Banana Slug has a penis the size of it’s body which is about 6 or so inches. When mating if said Banana-Slug-Ron-Jeremy penis get’s stuck, the Banana Slug will chew it off. If my penis ever got stuck, I wouldn’t chew it off, I would just watch marathons of either Dr. Oz or Rachael Ray’s show until eventually I would be bored free.

Wife: What does that mean exactly…my parents love those shows!
Me: I know.
Wife: Are you almost done?
Me: Penis, vagina, hyena balls. OK, now I’m done.
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9 Responses to “Some Strange Animal Kingdom Sex”

  1. KC April 11, 2012 at 11:07 PM #

    Excuse me while I pull myself up off the floor…but I’m not gonna stop laughing. That was some funny shit! I loved it!

    Have you ever heard of the (extinct 😦 ) Tasmanian Wolf? It’s a pretty weird animal as well. Not sure about it’s sex habits, but…it wasn’t actually a wolf, or even canine…it was a carnivorous marsupial..Yep, marsupial…like kangaroos and koalas. My favorite part is that -both- sexes had pouches, so dad could take over the babysitting occasionally. *grins*

    KC/KS

    • chrisdevoss April 11, 2012 at 11:12 PM #

      Thank you and sounds cool if it was still around.

  2. devilsaardvark April 12, 2012 at 10:51 AM #

    I’m just glad I’m not a praying mantis… he has his head bitten off by the missus to stimulate orgasm.
    I wonder if there are a lot of gay mantes?

    • chrisdevoss April 12, 2012 at 11:00 AM #

      They say once you go gay mantis…

  3. BrainRants April 12, 2012 at 11:57 AM #

    I lost my shit reading this. Damn… off to relocate my shit…

    • chrisdevoss April 12, 2012 at 12:12 PM #

      Do I owe you an apology then?

      • BrainRants April 14, 2012 at 11:56 AM #

        Not at all. I found it.

  4. RFL April 12, 2012 at 2:22 PM #

    Very funny, and my husband asked me last night, “what are you laughing at now?” Just now had a chance to comment.

    • chrisdevoss April 12, 2012 at 2:45 PM #

      Thank you. I appreciate it.

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