Why The Mayans Are Right About The End Of The World

9 Feb

There is a street here in Orlando, Florida called Orange Blossom Trail (or OBT for short.) OBT must run somewhat like 563* miles long.

(*Author’s estimate, not actual fact, but it is a long road.)

Along OBT you have…everything:

Stores, restaurants, hotels, bars, strip clubs, gas stations, car dealerships, food trucks, empty fields, hobos, prostitutes, gay prostitutes, midget prostitutes, gay midget prostitutes, gyms, and many, many more wonderful things.

But lately these have been popping up in increasing numbers:

They are everywhere. The other day when I was taking the PreTeen to dance class, down OBT…down only about 3 miles of OBT mind you, and I swear I passed 6* people holding signs with arrows, for We Buy Gold shops.

(*Once again Author’s estimate, it was probably only about 4.)

That got me thinking…

Why are there so many We Buy Gold shops that have sprung up all of the sudden? It’s like suddenly overnight these places are taking over all of Orlando.*

(*Or at least 3 miles of OBT.)

Who wants all this gold and why? What are they using it for? Where are all the gay midget prostitutes tonight?

I told the PreTeen that we had to go home, no dance tonight. Something was very wrong here. I needed to do some research. I had a theory. I big theory. I big bold theory. I needed help. I needed Goggle.

She just huffed and rolled her eyes, which is the typical response she gives me for everything that comes out of my mouth.

First I Googled:

What is gold made of?

And Google came back with:

Hey dumb ass, gold is made out of…wait for it…GOLD!

Oh yeah…duh. So next I Googled:

How hard is Gold?

Google said:

Well, you can melt it down. Ever seen someone wear a gold necklace before? Or a gold ring? You don’t think they may have to take that rock they just dug out of the ground and shape it into something? Ever seen anyone wear a gold rock chunk ring before? No! It wouldn’t be very pretty. But you can’t tear it apart with your bare hands if that’s what your asking. Are you thinking this through at all? Maybe if you didn’t use me to just image search boobs all day, I might have some more thoughtful insight for you.

See if this random fact helps: Gold ranges from 2.5-3.0 on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness.

That random fact didn’t help, and I wasn’t going to Google what a Mohs scale was, so instead I Googled,

Who owns all the We Buy Gold Stores?

Google responded:

I don’t want to say.

Really Google? I typed back,

Come on Google. I asked you a question. You have to answer it.

Google whimpered out:

Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson

Now we are on to something! Richard Branson is that crazy gazillionaire* who owns Virgin and crashes hot air balloons* a lot or something like that.

(* Both guesses as to wealth and recreational activities.)

Next Google query:

Why is Richard Branson buying everyone’s gold?

Google didn’t respond.

Come on Google. It’s your job to find the answers I need. What is Richard Branson doing with all of the world’s gold? Answer me now!

Google sent me this picture:

Don’t you try to distract me Google! Not going to work this time! Now tell me what I want to know! What does Branson want with all that gold?!

Google paused and bit it’s lip. Google sighed, and finally said,

When Richard Branson collects enough gold, he is planning on building his own version of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude complete with a pool table and mini bar, and holding up there until the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan calendar.

I knew it! That Branson is a sneaky one! Why should he be the only survivor?

So don’t sell your gold!

Resist those guys and the way they twirl their signs around, no matter how fancy or fast, or how many dance steps they perform, or if they wave at your kid, or if they are wearing a crazy hat…don’t sell your gold to Richard Branson!

Unless, of course, he is inviting all of us to his Fortress as well. Then by all means, sell every ounce of gold you have!


8 Responses to “Why The Mayans Are Right About The End Of The World”

  1. RFL February 9, 2012 at 11:42 AM #

    I have similar conversations with Google every day. Minus the boob distractions but it’s tempting to compare and envy. Great post! There is a billboard near my house that says, “Jorts are Never Ok.” Probably a post I’ll do soon.

    • chrisdevoss February 9, 2012 at 11:46 AM #

      I would say so, especially since I don’t know what jorts are…

  2. Rob Rubin February 9, 2012 at 11:49 AM #

    Sorry, you lost me after the breasts. What happened after that?

    • chrisdevoss February 9, 2012 at 11:57 AM #

      Normally that’s my kryptonite, but I was on a mission. I had to preserve.

  3. BrainRants February 9, 2012 at 2:10 PM #

    Hooray for boobies!

  4. Jennozen February 9, 2012 at 11:55 PM #

    The government is buying up all the gold so they can control the….uh….wait…what were we talking about? You forgot pregnant prostitutes on OBT. Sad, but true.

    • chrisdevoss February 10, 2012 at 12:18 AM #

      Richard Branson is buying all the gold to build a fortress of solitude. Geeez!

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