Zombie Horoscopes Pt One

30 Jan

Zombie Horoscopes

Aries

You are motivated to eat everyone you run across today, but your greed could backfire on you unless you remember to stick to the horde. Nothing will be gained if you scare people away by making your presence known too early. Fortunately, your day improves if you can tone down your groaning. Although your impatience makes it tough to take it easy, slowing down even more than you already are helps you to sustain your survival for a few more days.

Taurus

Even if you’re working against a deadline today, don’t worry if every one seems to be aiming to shoot you in the head. Thankfully, much-needed relief is on the way now that the Moon is back in your sign. However, the solution might come from giving yourself more time to wander aimlessly and without purpose. Although your hunger may be your main focus, expressing your feelings with positive groaning and moaning can motivate your horde and increase your killings.

Gemini

Messenger Mercury, your key planet, might make mischief today unless you stop trying to out eat everyone. You may be undead now, even if that was not your goal. If you’re not enthused about your new un-life, don’t make others pay for your frustration. Instead of aimlessly bumping into everyone, take a moment or two to stand next to a wall. It’s okay to keep your arm even though it’s probably not even attached to your body anymore.

Cancer

It’s difficult to understand someone’s message today because the words don’t quite make sense in your dead brain. You’re tempted to hiss at anyone who seems to have a living organ to eat, but it’s smarter to just kill them right away. Practice being comfortable with blood stains on your clothes.

Leo

You could become so tangled up in the entrails of some fresh kill today that you can’t tell the brain from the skull. There may be so much happening at the mall now that you attempt to take a very methodical approach to breaking down the doors, in hopes there will be survivors inside. Although setting priorities helps you deal with the complexity, your fellow zombies might not be as supportive as you expect. Nevertheless, managing one task at a time ultimately enables you to reach the finish line first and at least kill a baby deer.

Virgo

You’re managing a mixed bag of circumstances today as Mars continues to retrograde in your sign. It doesn’t matter how hungry you are now, more common sense may be necessary so you don’t get sidetracked by humans in cars. Even if someone tempts you with a trying to catch them, be smart and consider your current circumstances, your slow and dead. Graciously saying no allows you to finish your meal of large intestine and wander into the woods by yourself.

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