Johnathon “Jasper” Johns Guest Writes

6 Dec

Today my biggest critic and neighbor, Jasper Johns is going to be guest writing. You can read an interview I did with Jasper here. If you recall Jasper tends to be very critical of my zombie stories. I decided to see if Jasper can do better. I told him he could write whatever he wanted, long or short, and that he had complete creative control. However, since this is my blog, I had a few criticisms of my own, but I did try to stay fair.

Here is Jasper’s story:

Chomp Chomp By Jasper Johns.

Jasper was taking a dump. A long dump. A good dump. An epic dump. Then a zombie ate him.

The end.

—————————————————————-

Me: Is that it? Really?

Jasper: Yup, pretty good, huh?

Me: Can you try a little harder?

Jasper (Gives me an evil look): Why? It’s a great zombie story. Straight, to the point, and no funny business like you like to throw in!

Me: It just needs a little more something….

—————————————————————-

Chomp Chomp By Jasper Johns.

Jasper was taking a dump. A long dump.

  • A good dump.

An epic dump. Then a zombie ate him.

The end.

—————————————————————-

Me: You really didn’t change anything. You just played with the font tools.

Jasper: Fine! What do you want blood? This is probably the greatest zombie tale ever told. Hollywood will be calling me any minute.

Me: It needs a little more…pizzazz.

Jasper: Pizzazz? Isn’t that that new pizza sandwich from Pizza Hut?

Me: No. Just give it a little more punch. A little more story. Just a little.

Jasper: (mumbling) I got something I’d like to punch….

—————————————————————-

Chomp Chomp By Jasper Johns.

Jasper was taking a dump. A long dump. A good dump. An epic dump. Then a zombie burst into his stall and bit him on the head. He finished his dump and turned into a zombie.

The end.

—————————————————————-

Me: Not so easy is it?

Jasper: No!

Me: Maybe you’ll ease up on me a little?

Jasper: Oh, hell no! You suck.

Me: What don’t you give your story one more try. Make me really feel for the characters, or give them some history, maybe be a little more descriptive, or something…

Jasper: I don’t like you.

—————————————————————-

Chomp Chomp 

By Jasper Johns.

Jasper George Washington was taking a dump. A long dump. A good dump. An epic dump. Then a zombie burst into his stall outhouse and bit him on the head. The blood gushed everywhere. His eye fell out. George Washington had kids. He finished his dump and turned into a zombie.  kissed his kids and said, “Daddy’s a zombie now. I love you Jasper Jr. I love you Betty Ann Lou Sue. Then George Washington zombie ate his kids.

The end.  Fins.

—————————————————————-

Me: That’s just great….really I don’t know what to say…

Jasper: Story makes you want to cry. See. It’s easy. You suck. How much do I get paid?

Me: The same amount I get paid. Zero.

Jasper: You really suck.

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