Thanksgiving Thanks, From A Crazy Person Who Lives Alone

24 Nov

Thanksgiving Thanks, From A Crazy Person Who Lives Alone


Thanksgiving 2011 is here, and I’m glad you could all make it to my dinner even though none of you exist. Before I carve the traditional paper turkey center piece with the crepe paper middle, I would like to take a moment to reflect, and give thanks for all the things that have happen in our lives this year.

I am thankful that my dead mother, whom I stuffed under the floor boards of this very Thanksgiving table is no longer yelling at me about my wrinkled shirts. What was that mother? You like my shirt today? See, she has turned over a new leaf.

I am thankful that the neighbors dog whispered to me every night to kill my dear Mom, best advice ever. I’m sorry he couldn’t make it to dinner.

I am thankful that the hobgoblin and the wood sprite that live in the pot cupboard, you know the ones that bang the pots and pans together all night, have gotten a divorce, and moved out. Our nights should be a little quieter now.

I am thankful the walls only bleed on Thursday now, instead of Tuesdays and Thursdays. It’s less of a mess to clean up.

I am thankful for the two nice cops that showed up on my door last week. I wasn’t able to help them find that missing boy, but I was able to feed our pit bull, Stanley for a solid week. Sorry Stanley for forgetting to take out that cop’s badge from your food bowl. I hope the pin gets dislodged from your throat soon.

I am thankful Mr BoBo Bob Baggins BoBo Bob, our cat, has made 27 new kitty friends this year, and has brought them all home. Occasionally we do have to sacrifice one to the tree god, Unus, but now we don’t have to hunt at night for kitty cats.

I am thankful I learned that I can buy aluminum foil in industrial size. Now it’s much easier to make aluminum foil hats to block the air waves of extra terrestrial aliens from seizing my brain.

Now let’s eat. Who likes cardboard and who likes crepe paper? Oh, and someone pass me the cop casserole….


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