Interview With Jonathon “Jasper” Johns

21 Nov

Jonathon, or Jasper as he likes to be called, is my biggest critic. He lives down the street from me, and always has some sort of comment to say about my posts. He will never leave them on the WordPress site though, always directly to me. So I finally convinced him to sit down and have a conversation about it.

Jasper: You suck.

Me: Ok, this is going well so far.

Jasper: I like when you write about zombies. I don”t like when you write about that other stuff, and I hate your poetry.

Me: The poetry is suppose to bad, that’s what makes it funny.

Jasper: Stick to writing about zombies, dummy.

Me: Oh yeah, you like zombies?

Jasper: Except I don’t like when you write about zombies, because you always try to add some sort of funny thing to it. Zombies aren’t funny. Zombies will take over the world if you let them. They ain’t funny.

Me: Well, if you ever watch a zombie movie, or any horror movie in general, there is always some element of humor in it somewhere. You know it’s Ying-Yang, good/evil, you need opposites to balance things out.

Jasper: I don’t know what your talking about. I like when you write about zombies. You should only write about zombies.

Me: I think I would lose some audience if I did that…

Jasper: Then why do you call it The Zombie Journals if your going to write about other stuff?

Me: Well you see, it’s a metaphor. Zombie not only refers to…zombies, but it’s also referring to people who live there lives like zombies…you know not paying attention to life or the people in it, being rude, being stupid…

Jasper: My dog is stupid. I think by your definition, my dog’s a zombie. (laughs)

Me: My dog is stupid too.

Jasper: That’s no way to talk about dogs!

Me: Oh OK. So the latest zombie post…you hated it. Why? (Zombies On The Cul-De-Sac)

Jasper: It was stupid. Zombies don’t need glasses. They are zombies. They are dead. Why would they need glasses.

Me: Well, it was suppose to be a little funny. The zombies lost there glasses. The premise is, if they wore them before they turned zombie, then they would need them as a zombie. They couldn’t see like an old man that lost his glasses looking for his pills, only in this case the zombies were looking for brains, but they were blind. If someone picked up their glasses and put it on their faces for them, they would have eaten the crowd gathered around them.

Jasper: I see. Well, put it that way it’s a little humorous. But I still don’t like it.

Me: You have told me you don’t like any of the posts. Then why do you read it Jasper?

Jasper: I like pictures on Friday. I like stuff about zombies. I’m just hoping you get better at writing about them one day.

Me: Maybe I will one day.

Jasper: So when’s your next zombie story?

Me: I don’t know. It comes out when an idea hits me, usually at the last minute. I don’t think I actually have any zombie stuff this week, except this interview.

Jasper: Am I going to be famous after you post this?

Me: No, no,  I don’t have enough readers, but you had fun…did you not?

Jasper: Yeah a little bit…you still suck though.

Me: Thanks.

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