Halloween Wishes 2011

31 Oct

(Editor’s Note: Read this in a Steve Martin pompous voice)

As another Halloween comes upon us, and all the children of all the countries that choose or are allowed to participate descend upon our neighborhoods, malls, and popular watering holes, I would just like to wish you and yours and very happy and safe Halloween.

I, myself, and I, look forward to greeting all the little princesses and princes (future gay dancers…I live in Orlando after all) that come knocking on my door this year by passing out copies of 1985’s The Breakfast Club. A movie that defined my generation and religiously changed a lot of people who were looking for something to defined and change them religiously  anyway. Hopefully they will get as much enjoyment, trivia, and movie quoting possibles as I have had to endure over the last twenty years.

I also look forward to seeing my favorite costume, one that appears year after year, Teenager With A Pillow Case. To those brave teenagers daring enough to go out in whatever they had worn to school that day, grabbing the nearest pillow case to hold their bountiful loot, I will be giving out TGI Friday’s applications and Two-For-One coupons for Hungry Man Entree Frozen Dinners.

Hurry, they expire November 10th.

To the drunk parents walking with their children, I will bestow upon you another beer. Bravo for participating, or condolences for drawing the short straw.

To the parents driving the mini van and just dropping your brood off in my neighborhood, then picking them up an hour later after they have raped and pillaged my candy bowl, I will be calling the police…and saying you ran over my begonias with your van…and I think you were snatching children off the street.

Don’t be so lazy!

Remember Halloween is a time to enjoy the creativity of being someone else and then begging for free candy from strangers, trading the nasty pieces to your younger sibling, and eating them until you slip into a sugar coma.

Also remember, ladies, Halloween is that one time of year you can dress like a slut and get away with it.

Happy Halloween!

Christopher De Voss

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3 Responses to “Halloween Wishes 2011”

  1. Stephanie Bennis October 31, 2011 at 10:03 AM #

    I like how you called out the lazy parents dropping their kids off in a mini van. I’ve seen this happen many, many times in the past years! Also, pillow cases for candy are the way to go. So much more space than those little plastic pumpkins.

    • chrisdevoss October 31, 2011 at 6:54 PM #

      Pillow Case is fine.It’s the I’m-too-old-to-Trick-or-Treat-yet-still-going-out-and-not-even-bothering-to-dress-up thing that kills me.

  2. chrisdevoss November 1, 2011 at 8:53 AM #

    Update: Pillow cases have been replaced by backpacks.

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